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November 10, 2008

Off To Vancouver Again Tomorrow

Every time I think they’ve finally killed me dead on “Reaper,” they bring me back to life. Which is terrific if you are, as I am, unemployed and practically unemployable. Tomorrow I jet off to Vancouver to film another episode of the series, to be followed by yet another in December.

There is much to like about Vancouver, especially if you like Asian people, as I do. Vancouver is pretty much an Asian outpost at this point, filled with attractive young Easterners with technologically superior cell phones. They have chic haircuts and good shoes and their average age seems to be twenty-one. They are a sexy, sexy group. Canadians on the other hand, all look a little Michael Moore. Not necessarily as heavy or bearded, but they all share a congenial doughiness that gives them a friendly appearance, sort of like cartoon bears. Unlike bears, though, they don’t steal your garbage.

Vancouver is a clean city, stuffed with new condominium towers that have all been erected in the last six weeks. The buildings all look as though they are made from plastic, which is an unlikely building material for condominiums, but I am no architect. Who lives in these buildings is anybody’s guess. Asians, probably.

My favorite tourist destination is the small area where the city’s junkies hang out. This is called the “Downtown Eastside,” and what’s nice is, you can walk there from anyplace in the city to get a close-up view of scabby zombies wandering the streets looking for stuff to inject. A word of warning: most of them will not allow you to take a “souvenir photo” unless you give them a dollar (although savvy tourists can haggle over the price). The whole walking tour of the area shouldn’t take more than twenty minutes. Don’t bring a lot of cash or anything shiny.

500px-Vancouver_ib 

        (Note the cranes building evermore plastic condominium towers)


Of course when I’m in Vancouver, I spend most of my free time at the Edgewater Casino, a modestly sized, dumpy outfit on the water. I go there because they’ve got the town’s best poker room and I have a gambling problem. And also because whenever you show up someplace outside of your hometown to do a TV show they have to give you per diem. Sixty bucks a day. If you’re there for four days, as I will be, that’s over two hundred dollars. What am I going to do with that money? Eat? Hell to the no! I’m going to play games of chance with like-minded individuals, all of whom are as degenerate as myself. The difference between me and the junkies in Downtown Eastside? Track marks. That’s about it.

Shopping is also good in Vancouver, if you go for that sort of thing. Lots of clothing stores, shoe stores, crepe shops, and Canadian souvenir shops. If you’re wondering what Canadian souvenirs look like, I’ll tell you: they’re generally sweatshirts and t-shirts that say “Canada.” That’s pretty much it. I guess it’s hard for souvenir manufacturers to come up with lots of iconic Canadian imagery for the simple reason that there isn’t any. I mean, really, what do you think of when you think of Canada? Bryan Adams? I have never seen even a single Bryan Adams t-shirt at one of these shops. Ditto for fellow Canadian Jason Priestly.

If you’re thinking of going to Vancouver, bring an umbrella. It’s true what they say about the weather – it’s very rainy. It rains every day but nobody seems to mind because most people are usually indoors watching hockey, which is on television everywhere at all times. If you didn’t hate hockey before arriving in Canada, you will definitely hate it by the time you leave. It’s inescapable. Every network shows nothing but hockey. The music network, the comedy network. Every network. That’s why all the Canadian actors have to leave Canada. Because, unless they are good at playing hockey players, there is simply no work. Curiously, though, you don’t really hear people talking about hockey. It just exists – like air. People don’t usually talk about air, either, but you can’t escape it. Same with hockey in Vancouver. So that’s terrible.

So it should be a fun trip. If nothing else, I get to see my friend Ken Marino, whose new movie “Role Models” got off to a smashing start this weekend. I’m not in it, which may help explain its success.

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Carl Spackler

Way to ruin a great show with a HORRID spin off. The X-Tacles is the worst spin-off since the Brady Sisters. The letdown of that seriously unfunny premiere has not worn off no matter how much I scrub.

AmbroseKalifornia

I don't care for Canadians.

AmbroseKalifornia

I DO like Gummi Bears.

And Doozers!

Reen

Um, if you HAD been in Role Models it would be that much better. The Baxter, The Ten, Reno 911/Miami (etc) - you absolutely steal scenes my dear. So don't give us that crap on a stick.

Congratulations on your re-emergence from the dead. That's terrific news. You and Ken are too cute together - there's a great vibe between you. Neither of you overplay the fact that you characters are gay as the day is long, instead you keep it very natural and real, yet still, decidedly gay. ::kissing fingers:: Perfection!

Basically this whole post just makes me smile. Then it makes me want to eat a hemp brownie. And then maybe a barbeque pork chop.

But anyway, have a safe trip and may you have good luck at not only the tables, but with some Asian ass-pinching as well.

Holly

Yay! I'm glad you are going to be on Reaper again. I like the show and think it is a good one, but the only times I actually watch it is if you are on it!

ChloeJ82

Role Models was awesome. You are awesomer.

Camille

yay for the Reaper return!
Would you grab me a bag of maple flavored saltwater taffY?

Joel Yeomans

You comments about Canada are glorious. The Bryan Adams shirts are much more common than you think, they must just be sold out.

Satur9

You're not "practically unemployable", silly. You could always use your looks to whore yourself out. Hey, I'll be your first customer!

Seriously, though, looking forward to seeing you on Reaper, and hope you have a great time in Canada.

Elsa

Reading this a block away from the Downtown Eastside made me giggle.

Jenny

Ooh, this is all wonderful news. I have always wanted to go to Vancouver. Not necessarily for the casinos though. When I think Vancouver, I'm not thinking poker. Good luck though!

Tee

I really can't effing wait for season 2 of Reaper to land in England, and knowing you'll be in it is the cherry on the Satanic cake.

I still haven't met anyone over here who has noted your fabulousness in amongst the rest of the cast, the way I did back in the Stuckeyville days, but that's all the more reason for me to feel smug and superior; and God knows, I have nothing else about which to feel smug and superior.

Ryalye

Asians and hockey coexisting? Vancouver sounds like a strange place.

P.S. If you win any money, I will sell you my soul for your winnings ($8 minimum).

Blue Sunflower

YAY! You'll be on Reaper again! AWESOME.

Susanna

Reaper knows what a hot commodity (you) they have on their hands and they're not going to give up your storyline (a frantic letter writing campaign that I may or may not have participated in that may or may not have had something to do with it, but who's to say?).

In all honesty, I initially tuned into the show to watch you and Ken (be homos), but then I really started to love the show and the rest of the cast and now I am totally on board with it forever! So, in a way, I took a "gamble" on that...and won (unlimited amounts of joy!).

Bailey

Hell yes! I love Reaper and you make it all the better. Gay demons are my favesies!

PS - I don't know why you would, but if you were thinking about buying Rylee's soul you can't. She sold it to her late cat a long time ago.

Rachel

vancouver also has crazy flashing traffic lights. they don't flash to tell you to yield, they don't flash because they are broken...no they just FLASH! what is that? and it is not even all of the lights, just some...it was weird.

also, my car was broken into in vancouver, lame. but i still loved canada!

Rachel

vancouver also has crazy flashing traffic lights. they don't flash to tell you to yield, they don't flash because they are broken...no they just FLASH! what is that? and it is not even all of the lights, just some...it was weird.

also, my car was broken into in vancouver, lame. but i still loved canada!

Ian

Welcome to the Vandot. Any chance of doing a little "standup comedy" between poker hands? Eh?

Margaret Pitrone

I had never heard of this show Reaper of which you speak, so I looked it up on imdb and was most disapointed to see that you - or should I say Steve does not have a character biography. I thought you might want to remedy that situation.

Reen

I just saw Role Models late last night.

Here's the part I would have loved to have seen you in: the effeminate, overly defensive, King Argotron.

He was funny, but you would have been funnier. You take on pissy-sttitude/ egocentrics like no one else.

Plus for the chicks (and gays), you would have only added to the Rudd/Scott eye candy.

(David never calls me for advice and he really should).

camillerlite

ambrosekalifornia is your lamest fan i think

camillerlite

ambrosekalifornia is your lamest fan i think

camillerlite

ambrosekalifornia is your lamest fan i think

camillerlite

ambrosekalifornia is your lamest fan i think

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