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November 23, 2008

My Relaxing Sunday With David Wain & Family

David Wain and his family came home with me last night after our super-secret warm-up Stella show at Brooklyn’s Union Hall. It was great to see them all and their little boy is adorable, despite the fact that he looks exactly like David Wain. Some would undoubtedly say that David is adorable, and there are times when he certainly is, but adorable isn’t the first word I think of when I think of my dear friend David. The first word I think of is crusty.

David_Wain-3

                (David Wain  - Crusty)

Certain people just carry with them a layer of crust, the accumulated grime of take-out food, unwashed laundry, and skin that has been exfoliated at inopportune times. This is not to say such people are dirty. They are not (necessarily). They aren’t (always) like the Peanuts character Pigpen, surrounded by an aura of filth. Instead, this kind of crust is an invisible but tangible derma, a second skin protecting the clean, pink underskin from the world’s brutalities. Perhaps certain people are just too sensitive to interact with the world in such a direct and raw way. Perhaps these people simply need an additional, protective layer of crust to keep them safe, the same way a hermit crab cannot survive without its shell. Nobody says that hermit crabs are gross; so why do we say this about David? Hate, that’s why.                              

Last night when we arrived David helped himself to several slices of leftover pizza that we had been saving for a special occasion. But he didn’t know that, and so while it certainly would have been polite for him to say something like, “Can I eat this pizza” before doing so, there’s no way that he could have known that those humble slices represented the entirety of our Thanksgiving dinner. That’s okay - we still have a few cans of garbanzo beans and tuna and I’m sure we can do something really special with them.

Meanwhile David’s movie, “Role Models” continues to do very well, which he reminded us every fifteen minutes or so. For example, when I asked him if he wanted to go for a hike this afternoon, he answered by saying that “Role Models” was number three last week. After I said that had nothing to do with whether or not he wanted to go for a hike, he responded by saying he knew that but pretty soon it was going to be impossible to go for hikes like this because the success of “Role Models” would make being out in public pretty much impossible. “Now I know how Barack feels,” he said. We didn’t go on the hike. 

I took them to the train this evening, after a fantastic home-cooked meal prepared by my wife. For those of you who think that I’m a sexist for not helping, think again: I did help. I made the rice and the green beans, just enough so that when dinner was over I could claim that I had cooked and therefore did not have to do the dishes and clean the kitchen. I left that to my houseguests. There is a school of thought that says you shouldn’t allow your guests to clean your kitchen and do your dishes and fold your laundry and sweep out your garage. I am not of this school. To me, one of the fun parts about visiting a foreign country, for example, is seeing how the natives live. I like to take this approach to houseguests. When people come to my estate I expect them to “pitch in.” David was up on the roof cleaning out my gutters, his common-law wife was put to work polishing the brass. I even put his little guy to work licking stray dog fur up off the floor. I budgeted just enough time to get them to the train. Which would have been great except that my clocks are apparently two minutes slow because we arrived at the train station just as the train was pulling out of the station. It was really cold outside, so I suggested warming ourselves up in a nearby coffee shop while we waited for the next train to arrive. They said they didn’t want to put me out, which I thought was very considerate. So I dumped their shit out on the street. As I drove away, I noticed the passenger seat of my car, and indeed the entire vehicle was covered in a very fine, very thin layer of crust.

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anthony-p

You and David Wain is like a game of "Who'd you rather" that is impossible to get wrong.

Sebastian

You crusty scamp, you!

Jenny

it's nice to know that true, unselfish friendship exists in the (very famous) world still.

Reptar

I bet Seann William Scott would never kick the Wain family to the curb

Reen

Poor David! Awwwww. Look at him there.
Where is the love?

This was so funny - but you are SOOOO mean! He's not crusty...like a creepy clown...crusty - leaving a dirty crumbly trail. He's just...disheveled, sweaty, and scruffy, right? Like an all american baseball player. Maybe he drinks cheap Fleischmanns Vodka, forgets to comb, and paints by numbers. But dammit, David wipes well. And he probably throws away those used Kleenexes by the bedside weekly.

Crusty. SO MEAN!

Jesse

That picture does scream "I wear my pants for a week without washing them". However, it also screams "Look at my pillowy lips". Honestly though, aren't most people with pillowly lips at least a tad crusty?

Bella

I don't think I'm supposed to tell you what David did to your toothbrush, but... all I'm saying is that it might be time for a new toothbrush.

Susanna

I saw Role Models today and very much enjoyed it with hearty bouts of laughter. So, yeah, you should have been WAYYYYYY nicer to David. You know, since the movie is doing so well (and will most likely continue to do so). He's, like, the "Anti-Crust" now.

Zane

So funny.

Jaime

"That picture does scream . . .'Look at my pillowy lips'" Ack, Jesse! You are looking through some Stella-tinted glasses there my friend. You crazy.

But, I do like the pitching in philosophy of houseguests. I go for that. But I do not go for guests eating my food. My husband has gone to hiding everything sweet in our house when my Mom visits because at some point in the evening, you can count on her digging in the cabinets and eating all the good stuff. Peanut Butter? She's got it. Chocolate chips for cookies? Dipped into. 6 month old mini-marshmallows? Half gone. One time we actually caught her putting her finger in a jar of cocoa mix. The lady's got an issue.

Anyhow, I suggest you handle yours as we handle Moms. Rolled newspaper to the snout. Sure it stings, and you might get a wounded look, but then that pizza/cocoa mix is all YOURS! And really, isn't that all that matters? I think you should use the newspaper thing for the Role Model references too :) Perhaps not effective, but -- thwack -- satisfying.

Tee

Awww, Wavy Gravy IS adorable, crusty or not! And I bet Wavy Jr is just as cute, (and hopefully crust free).

Perhaps it's talent that encrusts him? Actual tangible talent, that oozes through his pores, and congeals on the surface. So he left you a sprinkle of his talent in the car. Not that you need it yourself, hell no; but you could vacuum it up and give it to the Jonas Brothers for Christmas. Because the Sweet Baby Jesus knows just how much they could use it.

Of course, you wouldn't give it to them for nothing, oh no; you'd make them earn it, in oh so many horrible, and humiliating, ways...

SeanF

I wouldn't say Wain looks "crusty." Infectious, perhaps. Not infectious in the "his laughter is infectious" sort of way; more of a "stay away until the chancre subsides" sort of way.

Jesse

"Ack, Jesse! You are looking through some Stella-tinted glasses there my friend. You crazy."

HAHA. I was trying to find the nicest thing possible to say. Plus I think if you say to someone "You're so crusty" the reply "Yeah, but I have pillowy lips" kind of negates the crusty. Maybe?

Bailey

Such a gracious host you are.

Cat

"Have you seen this man?"

[Insert picture of David Wain here]

Jaime

Good point Jesse, haha. I think you have just given me just a great come back line in general. I plan to use it often now:

"Jaime, those reports were due yesterday"
"Yeah, but I have pillowy lips."
"Point taken."

Bravo! Thanks Jesse!

Thomas Bechtold

I'm pretty sure that I own the exact same shirt that David Wain is wearing in that photo. The purple one, not the weird sweater. Could you ask him if it's Brooks Brothers?

Also, Michael, it is important to me to know how you would score on this test of your civic literacy:

http://www.americancivicliteracy.org/resources/quiz.aspx

I scored 87.88%, but that's because I'm an unemployed news junkie.

Jesse Dangerously

Holy shit, I rapped at Union Hall last autumn.

If there was three of me and I dressed more formally, I would claim to be the Stella of rap. If I was funnier.

I do already wear a necktie. So it's a close race.

upliqueidef

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii plz ant one know arbic translate that for me http://www.s7ak.com/banatfun-f22.html - http://www.s7ak.com/banatfun-f22.html thn

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