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November 28, 2008

If You Don't Want To Get Trampled To Death At Wal-Mart This Holiday Season

Pamplona has the Running of the Bulls, in which hordes of frothy Spaniards attempt to avoid getting trampled by pissed-off boy cows. America has our own equivalent – Black Friday, in which hordes of frothy shoppers run through Wal-Mart aisles while attempting to avoid getting trampled by other shoppers. Sadly, tragedy often accompanies both traditions. Today, a Wal-Mart employee was run over like a squirrel by people trying to save fifteen percent off a Tickle Me Elmo doll.

Times are tough, and saving a little money is certainly high on most people’s Christmas wish list. But let’s try to preserve a little sanity. There’s no need to wake up at four thirty in the morning and drive to whatever crap store you live near. Instead, let me offer you a couple suggestions about a few gifts you can buy for loved ones that are inexpensive, lots of fun, and will never go out of style. And best of all, you won’t have to leave your house to purchase any of them!

51PVvF7olDL._SL500_AA240_ • For the “reader” in your family, how about a copy of Michael Ian Black’s hilarious collection of comic essays entitled, “My Custom Van (and 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face).” This award-winning (it didn’t win any awards) book will tickle your funny bone, warm your heart, and make you think (it will neither warm your heart nor make you think). Available from Amazon for $16.29. A bargain!

51s48vza54L._SL500_AA240_ • Maybe you’ve got a music fan on your list. How about Michael Ian Black’s award-winning (it didn’t win any awards) comedy album, “I am a Wonderful Man?” With this terrific listening experience, Black proves that he can do it all: talk, stand, up. It’s worth the cost for the naked centerfold alone!!! Available from Amazon for $12.98. Cheap!

51IMl60gcvL._SL500_AA240_ • Little ones will enjoy Michael Ian Black’s new children’s book, “Chicken Cheeks.” This amusing compendium of animal butts is sure to keep the wild animals in your house howling. Even better, the “old folks” just might like it, too! There’s simply no better stocking stuffer for the young ones than this award-winning (it didn’t win any awards) easy reader. Available from Amazon for $10.87. Yay!

51XVZCXPWHL._SL500_AA240_ • TV fans will want to check out Comedy Central’s much-loved television series “Stella” on DVD. Starring Michael Ian Black, this brilliantly funny and inventive award-winning (it didn’t win any awards) show wowed critics and the public alike when it premiered. Although the series ended after one season because nobody watched it, you can treasure all ten episodes for years to come. The DVD also features commentary by the show’s stars, Michael Ian Black and his friends, and a documentary about the comic trio. Available on Amazon for $15.99. Wow!

61lEdAqKhEL._SL500_AA280_ • Calling all foodies! The Presto FlipSide Belgian Waffle Maker will delight fans of fluffy breakfast goodness. Easy to use, easy to clean, the award-winning (it won the Nobel Peace Prize) FlipSide makes perfect golden waffles every time, and its 180 degree flip design helps evenly coat the batter on upper and lower plates. A great gift for a gourmet. Available on Amazon for $39.98. Yum!

51KCeyZGlyL._SL500_AA240_ • Avid runners and couch potatoes alike will enjoy the heartwarming “Run, Fat Boy, Run.” Written by Michael Ian Black, this laugh out loud comedy tells the redemptive tale of a sad sack security guard attempting to win back the woman he left at the altar. Starring some British guy and directed by somebody else, this award-winning (it didn’t win any awards) crowd pleaser will brighten anybody’s Christmas. Available from Amazon for $11.99. ($23.99 on Blu-Ray) Cheers!

So there you go. I’ve just done all your holiday shopping for you. Why? Because I love you. And because I believe that the holidays are a time to spend with friends and family, not running from store to store, trampling people. And the less time you have to spend shopping, the more time you can sit at home and drink. That’s what my wife does.  


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schwing! I am in college, therefore I am poor. So I will be heading out to wally*world tonight to trample old people and save $.30 (and $4 on gas getting there) on paper towels.

I learned nothing today.


For the first time in their lives, my kids begged to go shopping this morning. Since we didn't wake up until 9am, I cleverly argued that since we didn't get up at 3:45am for the big Kohl's (?) sale that was running tv ads all day yesterday, surely everything for sale anywhere had already been bought by other people. Instead, the kids went car shopping with dad and I puttered around at home.
I hope your Thanksgiving was all that it could be and that everyone buys all the great online items you suggested. I think I saw most of them on Oprah's Favorite Things Show recently, so you've got that going for you, too.


Yeah I just read that article about the guy getting trampled to death. I'd like to say I was shocked, but honestly, I can't. It was bound to happen. :\

why thank you for so unselfishly providing holiday gift ideas! and a nice variety too. very thoughtful. i think i'll be getting at least 2 of those items under the tree this year.

i too hope you had a great Thanksgiving and that it was as painless as possible. :D


I have three of the items on that list.

How about a State dvd?

Or Viva Variety? I want to see Johnny Bluejeans.


Hi, I guess I just saw you in "Reno 911", playing a dying man. Am I right?


Did the waffle maker win any awards?


Your BLOG is award winning (it didn't win any awards...but should!).

Thanks for the laughs. Oh and hey, you forgot Stella Shorts. :P

Surprise! I have all those items, pretty much. (CREEPY, right? I KNOW!!) I'm working on rationalizing the purchase of "Chicken Cheeks" seeing as I have no young children in my immediate household. But, I will buy it (because I'm adorable like that), read it, try not to dog ear any pages (I can never read a whole doggone book at once, can you?) and then give it as a delightful present to my daughters Godmothers kids.

They're just about the perfect age to learn about ass.


Since I already have* everything on this list, I should totally start buying these things for other people. Great idea.

*I have not received Chicken Cheeks yet, but it has been ordered


Sir, you forgot to mention the Stella tour tickets that you're supposed to add on top of the packages. Or as a bookmark. Or I guess if you're cheap you could just give them as the present.

But only the cheap people do that. And friends don't love that.


Ehem. You also forgot "Wedding Daze"! Two words for you old man, Gingko Biloba.


(No relation to Rocky Balboa)

To the fans of all things funny,

If you haven't seen "Wedding Daze" yet, I highly recommend you do. You will laugh and laugh and laugh some more. Buy it or someone (maybe me) will kick you RIGHT in the cooter!

Ok, bye.

I'm heading out to get trampled. Again.


Congratulations on finally seeing the merits of hijacking a Christian festival to pimp your fine body of work!

I salute you, it's about time.

(If you ever decide just to pimp your fine body, please advertise that here as well.)


The Nobel Peace Prize winning waffle maker joke actually made me laugh so loud I scared myself.

Mark Garcia

You don't need to tell us to buy those. It's like suggesting a diabetic to buy insulin.


I swear the Nobel Peace Prize bit wasn't in the waffle maker write-up when I wrote my comment. Are you trying to make me think I'm crazy, Michael? I like it if you are.


My Custom Van is awesome! I just bought it and can report that I made it out of Border's alive (without being trampled that is). Maybe Border's customers aren't as excited about discounted books as the people shopping for the 99 cent plasma TVs at Wal-Mart. In any case, I'm still thankful that my shopping trip did not result in my death. Thanks for the recommendations!


Awwww, you are so full of love these days Michael. I love it! But hey, wait-a-minute . . . is this a trick? Is it possible that you are telling us how much you love us and are thankful for us and how much you can't fit your love for us and your thanks for us into a wheelbarrow for us because you think that this will somehow make us more likely to buy all your clever, cute, and awesome merch? . . .

Well you are RIGHT! Keep it coming! Momma needs a pair of new Stella shorts.

(Plus I am gullible and believe every sweet word of it -- never stop! :)


Someone wrote Stella shorts, and for a moment I thought you guys came out with a clothing line. I know what she meant now though. But a Stella clothing line would be sweet, mmmhmmm.


Hey Bailey! They DO have a clothing line:


I don't know if there are shorts. (I was trying to be cute. I don't always succeed.) But don't let your hopes be all the way dashed -- comfort yourself with a "Who the Fuck is Marcus" jr. ringer tee, or a "Fucked by an angel" classic thong :) It's more adorable Christmas merch! C'mon Michael. Tell us you love us again so me and Baily can go buy some classic thongs . . .

Stella Merch

Bailey, we love you. You too, Jaime!

Now buy some stuff.

Stella Merch

Oops I posted the wrong link.

www.cafepress.com/stellacomedy for purchasing fantastic designs.

www.mypace.com/stellamerch for guaranteed friend approvals.

Stacey E

That's why all Walmart's should be open 24 hours. I read yesterday that someone responded to the call to clear the store that they'd been waiting in line since Thursday. Why in hell would someone waste their holiday waiting outside a store? They can't possibly still be clamoring for Elmo dolls. What the frig were they selling?
Every time I declare that people suck, they keep proving me right. Very nice.

Lois Lane

If I buy Chicken Cheeks, will you deliver it in your chicken suit? :)


How about a bloggy about the tour so far?


^^ I second that about a bloggy for tour!



And hey, look at this:


The author is smitten. And you were just adorable to her, you darling man.

AND just look how cute all 3 of you look in that picture.

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