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October 30, 2008

This Is My Legacy

As regular readers to my blog know, I have been paying a lot of attention to the presidential election. As such, I have found myself watching a lot of news channels that I don’t normally pay attention to unless a celebrity is running from the law. One of the shows I have enjoyed a lot is “Anderson Cooper 360.” Each night, AC has in-depth coverage of the day’s political events featuring some of my favorite political commentators.

Every time I watch, though, I find myself changing the name “Anderson Cooper” to “Anderson Pooper.” There will no doubt be those among you who do not think that the name Anderson Pooper is funny. Moreover, there will probably be those among who think that I myself don’t find it funny, either, except ironically. But the truth is, I think it’s VERY funny.

Now, I’m sure that Anderson has heard this joke before. After all, it’s incredibly obvious. But I want to make the following point: while I’m confident that I’m not the first person to think of this, I have never heard it before. Therefore, it’s entirely possible that I WAS the first, and if I was, I deserve a medal. Because the name Anderson Pooper is among the top parody news names ever.

I’ll give you some of the others:

• Walter Cranktight

• Tom Blowcraw

• Peter Smellings

And of course:

• Dan Blather

As you can see, “Anderson Pooper” is as good, OR BETTER, than these names. Now, maybe I should display some false modesty here, but the truth is, you deserve better than the parody news names of the past. For too long you’ve put up with the mediocre, the humdrum, the downright blah. Walter Cranktight had his time, but that time is over. From now on, when people want a hilarious fake news name, you’ve got a choice. And when it’s time to make that choice, I hope you’ll choose Anderson Pooper.

The greatest parody news name in history.

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Dayna

He's Anderson Pooper in our house too!

Mark Garcia

First comment? Me! The Wicker Man!

Mark Garcia

I take that back. I didnt see the first comment.

awa64

You've forgotten Wolf Blitzer--the only parody news name improved by being 100% accurate.

Reptar

Similarly, Poo Dobbs will work, though I feel 'Pooper' is a more concrete (depending on the diet) term than 'Poo', so Anderson Pooper is probably the more *powerful* name. There's a local news anchor here named Ray Cortopassi and the possibilities for that name are endless. I've gone with Ray Cortopassigassi since I was 10 years old. I stopped and thought about whether, at age 20, that was still funny or just immature and stupid. Then I saw his face and realized he looked like a big douche, and didn't care either way.

Also, the new "tree falls in the forest": if Michael Black is on the run from the law, would he watch himself on television at the same time?

Clayton

I know this doesn't really relate to the famous Anderson Pooper...but is there any possibility that Chick Healy is into FEMINIST POETRY? And if so, I'd really love to read some of it.

Lauren

actually a google search of "anderson pooper" led me a video of a spinning cat!! and you'll never guess what song it's too! YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KpLDS2WInM

so you are equally as clever as the guy who made that video (very).

Jenny

i'll be glad when all this politic stuff is over. i mean, AP will still be there. but i've never watched him anyway so i won't affect me.

i found a half bag of taco doritos at safeway today and thought of you. aww.

yankeebird

I've had a crush on Anderson Cooper since he did World News Now back in the late 90s. I watched that godawful show, The Mole, just because he was hosting. I've watched lots of Planet in Peril. Despite all that, I've never thought of calling him Anderson Pooper. What kind of Anderfan am I?!?

Matt S

"You've forgotten Wolf Blitzer--the only parody news name improved by being 100% accurate."

Comedy tip: if you're going to make up a silly name like that, generally it should have some realistic aspect.

Camille

I think my favorite is Dan Blather.You rock!

I also think that this give-a-newscaster-a-fake-name is going to replace Tripoly as our family bonding game.

Reen

Tee hee hee. You're silly!

Do you think Anderson might be gay? I do. He seems too sweet not to be. Those kind blue eyes...

He's also one of the most even tempered men out there reporting. I like him, and want to turn on some jazz music, don matching aprons, and cook with him. We would saute' mushrooms and garlic together like nobody's business, Anderson Pooper and I.

Jaime

My husband used to watch Cooper on Houston's "Channel One," the news channel for schools, every morning in his high school right after the pledge. That's a funny thought. Like Dan Rather on the Mickey Mouse Club (i.e. MMC), or Cronkite on Howdy Doody (because he's old). Guess you gotta start somewhere, Pooper.

Hey, by the by, the Daily Show just had a segment with Wyatt Cenac proclaiming how sick of the election he is -- has somebody been reading Michael's bloooooog? Or is this just how in tune with America you are, hmmmm?

http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=189750

Holly

You are right, Anderson Pooper is the best parody news name. For some reason, it is just fun to say Pooper. Pooper, Pooper, Pooper. Very fun.

Also, someone mentioned Ray Cortopassi being a newscaster in their area. There is a Ray Cortopassi in my area too so I'm pretty sure this person is from Indiana like myself. Obviously Indiana loves you and you need to come do a show for us!

Camille

"Cortopassi" makes me think of port-o-potty.

SeanF

Sorry, but you weren't the first to claim this. This name was coined by Bill O'Smiley on FUXNews.

Jaime

SeanF. I believe _Michael_ was indeed the first to claim this moniker. Yeah yeah, if you Google it, you may see other references. But, this is Michael Ian Black now, very famous, very funny.

I submit O'Smiley and his hooligan henchmen, upon hearing the greatest parody news name in history, stole Michael's Time Machine, went back in time, and sullied its newness by spreading it all around. Just dirty. Michael's the greatest, Michael gets the medal! Yaaay!

Severed

I hope that Nancy Grace and Bill O'reilly get a really nasty disease of some sort.

Bailey

So clever. Me loves!

Michael D'Avria

Shame on you Michael Ian Black. Making fun of someone's name by rhyming it with a bodily function just brings back bad memories. I too am named Michael, and it would be hard for me to believe that you never heard this comment made about you when you were eight.

"Michael, Michael, Motorcycle. Turn the key and watch him pee."

Maybe it was harder for me though, since I very much look like a motorcycle and when people turn my "key" I do in fact pee.

AmbroseKalifornia

Keith Bendolbermann? No? Fine. My heart wasn't into it anyway.

Tee

The word 'pooper' can never not be funny. And now I must stop procrastinating around here and get on with writing that novel.

Ben

hey mike i got another one of those parody news names for ya!

sam donaldsonisabastard

Felicia

Ambrose, I think you're onto something with the Keith O one...

But I want to find out what Rachel Maddow becomes in MIB-speak

Reen

How about Rachel Minnow?

No. I can't make fun of Rachel on any level. (read: girl crush)

She has the best concerned listener expression in the business:

http://media.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/photo/2008/08/26/PH2008082603572.jpg

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