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October 17, 2008

Ten Years

I'm off today to celebrate my ten year anniversary with my wife, whose name escapes me at the moment. I am not saying where we are going because it is so exclusive and luxe that it doesn't even have a name, unless you happen to be one of the elite few who have heard of a little outpost called "Boston." Yes, we're off to Boston for a little R&R. It was a toss-up between Boston and Paris. Paris is lovely and romantic, but in this election season we decided to vote American! So we chose Boston, which is not nearly as lovely nor romantic. But, and this was decisive in our decision-making process, we can afford it. Goodbye to the days when we used to rack up thirty or forty thousand dollars a night in room service bills and spa treatments. So long to the private plane, the yacht, the hovercraft, and jet pack. See you later, flying car - we used to love you but now it's time to part ways. No, for our tenth, we're taking the Greyhound to Beantown. Our hotel: two better than a Motel 6. We're staying at a Super 8. We're brown bagging breakfast and lunch, but dinner will be a splurge: if you happen to see us at Denny's, come say hello.

Yes, times are tough with the Blacks, and not just because Comedy Central is dithering on whether or not to pick up our pilot, "Michael and Michael Have Issues," but also because I very foolishly decided to plow all of our savings into AIG stock about six months ago. Stupid, stupid, stupid. On the plus side, when we do get divorced (I give it six months), there will be very few assets to split up, aside from the children (and we all know I don't want them), so the divorce should be relatively easy. Regarding our marriage, my only goal is to last longer than David Duchovny and Tea Leoni. They made it to eleven. If I can beat them, I'll be satisfied. People ask me all the time what the secret is to a successful marriage. I compare a marriage to running a marathon. There are many times during the course of a marathon when you feel like you can't possibly go another step, when you feel as though you would rather die than continue running. When those moments come, just tell your body "one more step." Just one more step, and then when that step comes, no matter how excrutiating, no matter how much that tiny step makes you want to vomit, tell yourself, "Just one more step." And then you keep doing that until one of you dies. That's the secret.

So yes, we're off to "celebrate." In the end, what that probably means is that I will drop her off at the motel and then head over to Foxwoods for a few days. They've got excellent bus service from the casino, and she can find the bus station on her own just fine. Ten years is a long time to be married to somebody, but on the bright side, at this point I'm pretty sure we're both pretty much HIV negative. That's something, anyway.

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jessie

haha, your poor wife!!

sean

hahaha i like that you don't want your kids

Glen

Congratulations Michael.
Boston should have plenty of diversions to keep you too from having to talk too much. I've never stayed at a Super 8, but if it is anything like Best Western, then may I suggest taking a couple of condoms. Unless your wife has one of them Norvo rings or whatever they use nowadays.

Andy

Hey Michael, I never knew you had a blog. Its really funny I think, but I wish you would talk about your fishing. I thought you were a good writer, I read the first half of your book and I was so inspired I went out to the lake right then, but I havent finished it though. I know bass season is over and you probably want to hang out with your wife -congrats on the anniversary- but man I think Bassmaster Angler of the Year for 2009 is yours! Me and my girlfriend (shes from New Jersey too) just got the Michael Iaconelli signed Toyota hats, I feel like everyone is so jealous. Anyways I'll have to bookmark your blog, its great. (I just read your wikipedia article but I think someone messed with it cause it doesnt make any sense) Well, see you on the water!

-your fan Andy

Sarah

Congrats on the anniversary my friend. A decade's happiness and to many more decades of bliss in the future! Have a good time and remember, don't split tens. Oh wait, you play poker, even still, don't split tens!!

:)

Sarah

ss

your lady is the luckiest woman alive.

Bella

Holy shit you're romantic.

The traditional gift for a ten year anniversary is tin (aluminum), so maybe you could buy your wife a nice roll of aluminum foil... always useful and it usually lasts for many months so she'll think of you every time she wraps up leftovers.

Severed

Awesome! You're coming to MA. I live there. :3 I don't live in Boston but I've visited it a lot and you just need to be sure that you pick the nice places to go because there are a few selected neighborhoods in Boston that suck.

molly

oh michael,
congrats.

Bailey

First Madonna and Guy and then David and Tea. I'm crying! Thank goodness you 2 are staying together. Stay together forever, I demand it. Congrats!

Mirka

I heard that everything fun is illegal in Boston, so be careful! It would be a shame to get arrested on your anniversary.

vegetablelasagna

The comments on this blog aren't nearly as funny as the comments on the AVClub. Apparently people who like Michael Ian Black aren't as funny as the people who like Audio/Visual Clubs.

Good Job to you though Michael, you're still funny. It's no wonder that you're the one posting the blogs on which the commenters comment and not the other way around.

Keep up the good work with the wife too.

Ken

Maybe mentioning the Stella gig next month in Philly would earn you a few more bucks?

Zane

If you can make it through the weekend without a major fight cataloguing each other's faults, you can call it a successful 10th anniversary. If you remembered to spew some of the romantic mush chicks love to hear, that much the better (for you). Ten years is a great haul, good for you.

Nickel Jean

Vegetablelasagna, do you normally read blogs for the readers' comments? Must you sully Michael's lovely tribute to 10 years of matrimony with your negativity? We are a mostly harmonious group, even though a discerning Seinfeld fan such as yourself may not find us humorous.

Happy anniversary, Mr. & Mrs. Black!

Satur9

Congrats & hope you folks have a wonderful anniversary!

Susanna

I hear they've done some remodeling at select Super 8's. Now with a 40% less chance of contracting HPV from the bed linens and carpets, you and your wife can go hog wild with your 10th anniversary rumpshaking! Some words of advice: pack plenty of lube, wear socks and bring your own blanket. Congrats...and you're welcome.

Jesse

*Queues in the If-Michael-Ever-Gets-Divorced-He-Should-Pick-Me-Because-I'm-15-Years-Younger-Than-Him line*

For reals though, congrats! Denny's may even give you a discount for your anniversary if you haggle. Or perhaps a free stack of pancakes? Eh? Nudge nudge wink wink.

shiny

Hey! Congratulations on reaching that ten year mark. You know what's funny? My wife and I are celebrating our ten-year wedding anniversary today -- we got married just one day after you guys did! (On second thought, that's probably not really all that funny.)

Which begs the question: did you two, by chance, happen to get married at the Boca Raton Raddison Hotel? Because there was a wedding there which preceded ours by a day which had a lot of the hotel staff hung over the next morning while we were trying to get ready for ours. Whoever's wedding that was -- it was likely a better bar than the one at ours.

Anyhow -- Happy Tenth. Enjoy the Super 8 Motel. And when it's your anniversary and they say that they'll leave the light on for you -- well, that's just creepy.

Camille

You could have saved a bundle by just staying close to home and getting tickets to Beverly Hills Chihuahua at the IMAX. Secretly splurge on some extra butter for the popcorn and you've rocked her world,my friend.

Laura

Happy anniversary.

Anything you want us to do to try to force Comedy Central's hand in the matter of the new show? Letters, phone calls, YouTube videos of us getting the show's name tattooed on our backsides, bomb threats, anything in that line?

Jaime

ok, I have to ask. What does this emoticon mean --> :3

Because it looks like balls. I don't get it!

Felicia

Congrats on 10...we're at 14 and counting and that anniversary celebration sounds somewhat familiar. Except for the leaving town part. And sometimes he forgets, which is crazy, since our anniversary is exactly one week after my birthday, which is often on Mother's Day. If he can't remember, he should just get me a gift every day of May--that's my feeling.

erin

oh my god i was walking with my sister infront of the harvard yard, we followed the marching band to see where they were going and i saw you! i walked right by you but i didnt want to piss you off by saying oh hey arent you that guy from vh1 blah blah blah cause you were with your wife

bejewell

I'll hit 12 years with my husband in November and I pretty much feel like jabbing a sharp object into my own head every day. It would be better if I could stab him instead, but he's really quick.

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