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October 02, 2008

Some New Joke American Indian Names

I’ve noticed that whenever people want to make funny American Indian names they tend to just put together an active verb with a noun taken from nature: “Sleeps with Rabbit,” for example. Or “Walks In Cow Shit.” Things like that. Well frankly, I feel like that formula is demeaning and totally played out. Therefore I believe it’s time to give serious consideration to creating a new paradigm for funny Native American names.

The obvious way to go would be to use casino gaming as a foundation. “Chief Many Slots,” comes to mind,  but this seems too easy and, frankly, cheap.  Instead, I propose taking a more subtle approach. Here’s an example: “Bill Richards.” Admittedly, on its surface Bill Richards doesn’t seem like a particularly funny name. After all, there are probably millions of Bill Richards out there, some of them probably of Native American descent. But when you add the visual component of a pair of over-sized moccasins and (here’s where it gets really funny) a headdress made out of rubber chickens, I think you begin to see the comedic possibilities.

Another example: Susan Worth. Not funny? Now picture Susan wearing a papoose. Inside the papoose? A DODO BIRD!!!

Try this one on for size: a young Native American prince. His name? Robert O’Malley. ‘Nuff said.

Or what about a family of Native Americans named the Redwings? What’s hilarious about this is that there’s also a hockey team called the Red Wings! Now picture that American Indian family all ice skating. The joke obviously being that there’s no tradition of ice skating in Native American culture. Good stuff.

I could go on and on, but the point of this blog wasn’t to list ALL of the funny new Native American names I could think of, merely to point the way so that you, my readers, American Indian and not, can think of some of your own. I can do it – canoe? Get it? Canoe, can you?

You’re welcome.

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Reen

Chief Sarah Palin Sucks

C'mon, you, how about a post on the debates as only you can spin it? There's SO much material, all right there, ripe for the picking. Or let me rephrase. It's JUST UNDER ripe...the way you like your nanas! (And I like my debates).

Camille

You're silly! I always thought the India from the Village People was smokin'.
Do they still make Canoe?

ss

bob whitely

peepee

Gretchen Weiners

ss

how about Wendell Beavers?

Brendan

How about "Jason Campbell"?

or maybe "Chief Kills Old Joke"

Jenny

Darren Smallwood.

dzon

Native Americans should switch from earthy meaningful appelations to pretentious three name sobriquets like.

Michael Ian Blackfoot

Erica

TACO DORITOS.
Not a great Indian name. But a topic I've thought about ever since you mentioned they were gone in a post a few months ago. I know, I know, some people say they never went away. But I sure hadn't seen them in a long time. But today, in my lovely neighborhood Safeway (in Seattle), I found a bag of TACO DORITOS with the subhead "they're back by popular demand." Was it YOUR popular demand, Mr. Black that brought about this miracle? This resurrection? If so, I just want to say God Bless you.

Reptar

That's bullshit. Taco Doritos never went away. My world would have come to a screeching halt if they did. I've been getting like three bags every trip to the grocery store for the past two years. The only thing that even comes close to rivaling Taco Doritos, in terms of drunk snacking, is Chili Cheese Fritos.

Not that there isn't a precedent for Doritos to get pulled from shelves, though. Anyone remember Doritos 3Ds? Yeah.

Drake

Hap Hazy Buck.. friend's name. only god knows where he's from

Blah

George Armstrong Custer. Get it? He killed Native Americans.
......
Hahahahaha.

Zane

Dave Tunklerot.

I just went with the unfortunate real name of someone I once knew. I think of him whenever someone tries to proclaim that theirs is the worst situation, they win at being the biggest loser, etc...

"Oh really? At least your name isn't Dave Tunklerot."

Jaime

I like Tunklerot. Especially because it indicates that something called "tunkle" is rotting. I don't know what tunkle is, but I like to say it.

I once knew a girl named Ashley Sacrider. She tried to pronounce it like: Suh-_cry_-der. But no. Sack-Rider. You can't escape that.

Also, Zack Belcher. But I liked that one too. I imagined great things could come of being named Belcher.

Carla

I knew a girl with the last name of Wiger. Teachers would call her name and pronounce it Why-ger, and she would correct them and say it's Wiger. Yet she always would complain about how everyone would look at her on the 1st day of school, but she'd always have to correct them for reasons I don't know. Maybe cuz she reall was a wiger.

A Native American with the family name Wiger would be interesting. It would confuse the masses, because they're not white.

Grenadine

Michael Hussein Black
Barack Ian Biden
Joe Palin
Sarah Six-Pack

(This is totally fun!)

belvedere

Ramon Sessions.

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