I'm Sick of the Election
This election has got me plumb tuckered out. My fatigue undoubtedly stems from the fact that I check the polls more than once a day, that I now know how many electoral votes New Mexico has, and that I have developed carpal tunnel syndrome from registering fake voters for Acorn.
Now look, I have said from the very beginning that I’m rooting for the black guy in this thing. Why? Because I find it funny to say, “I’m rooting for the black guy.” It makes me sound both progressive and ignorant in the same breath, a combination I find irresistible. I also happen to find him the better candidate, as well as the only remaining candidate who, to my knowledge, has never called his wife a cunt. Which, in my mind, is a plus.
And the election has been good for my own marriage because it’s given my wife and I something to talk about for the first time in… ever. I tend to goad her on whenever she starts talking about the election because when she’s talking about her dislike for the Republicans, she’s ignoring her own dislike for me. Which is great.
But enough’s enough. I feel like the kid who’s been given free run of the candy shop and ate himself sick. This election has gotten me nauseous. It’s just not fun anymore. The fact that I now even know enough about Acorn to make a joke about them proves it. The fact that any of us is now familiar with the term “first dude” further proves it. I will be so happy on November 5th when I can finally turn my attention away from electing the leader of the free world and return it to the financial apocalypse currently underway. Whoever wins, Barack or Methuselah, is going to find himself in a biblical-sized shit storm upon taking the oath.
Just to put all of this in perspective, not only has our economic meltdown taken a backseat to formerly obscure domestic terrorist/Chicago “citizen of the year” Bill Ayers, but I feel like NOBODY is talking about the fact that Lindsay Lohan totally came out of the closet! What’s the matter with this country??? When did our national priorities get so completely and totally fucked?
At the beginning of this election season, during the primaries, I told people that I was supporting Obama because he had the potential to become a “transformative” political figure, the kind of person who could heal the country after the last sixteen fractious years. But watching the latest McCain-Palin rallies has certainly disproved me of that notion. No, this country is going to remain as divided as ever. Maybe even more so. It seems that we just don’t like each other very much. Which is weird because when I think about all the Republicans I know or have known, I like them just fine. I like everybody. I even like Mitt Romney. (I’m obviously exaggerating to make a point.) But what’s so upsetting about Obama in particular, about his call for unity, is that the right used it against him by calling him “The One,” or in McCain’s case “That One.” They tried to paint him as a pseudo-messianic figure, while simultaneously doing everything in their power to put their own Messiah to shame with their deeds. It’s hard not to demonize the right when you see them all whipped into a rabid froth at the Palin rallies, calling Obama a terrorist, and then boo McCain when he tells them that Obama is a decent man.
I know politics is a high stakes game: the last eight years have proven how high the stakes are, but I wish there was just more human decency in the game. Certainly I’m not helping matters when I write posts like “Hopefully This Doesn’t Across as Sexist, But Sarah Palin Can Suck My Dick.” But none of us is perfect. (Except Rush Limbaugh.)
Yes, I am sick of this election. Sick of the ugliness, the vindictiveness, the pettiness, the spin, the debates, the mud-slinging, the lawn signs, the state of Ohio, the word “moose,” the phrase “game changer,” Keith Olbermann’s eyebrows, the colors red and blue, Tina Fey, the term “Rovian tactics” or “Rovian” anything (I expect NASA to soon put a Rovian Lander on Mars). I’m sick of the media talking about the media, and then them talking about that. I’m sick of talking in general. Sick of any and all mavericks. Of the town of Wasilla, the city of Scranton and it’s mythical bitter, gun-and-religion-clinging inhabitants, people named Joe who drink six beers at a time, gay marriage, the confusion between a “bail-out” and a “rescue plan,” swing voters, dead babies, anything that any celebrity has to say about anything, YouTube, the distinctly un-American game called “hockey,” people from Kenya, the idea that just because you have a position at one place and time means you have to have the same position at a later place and time even if the information that first formed your original position has changed, speculation of any sort, the fact that my son’s front teeth have been wiggly for months but won’t come out, Tucker Bounds (Is it a coincidence that the only other two people I have ever heard of named Tucker – Tucker Carlson and Tucker Max – are also douchebags?), people with earpieces, Congress, the Supreme Court, and the American flag. All of it is a big, stinking, fetid pile of shit.
And I’m sick of it.