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October 11, 2008

I'm Sick of the Election

This election has got me plumb tuckered out. My fatigue undoubtedly stems from the fact that I check the polls more than once a day, that I now know how many electoral votes New Mexico has, and that I have developed carpal tunnel syndrome from registering fake voters for Acorn.

Now look, I have said from the very beginning that I’m rooting for the black guy in this thing. Why? Because I find it funny to say, “I’m rooting for the black guy.” It makes me sound both progressive and ignorant in the same breath, a combination I find irresistible. I also happen to find him the better candidate, as well as the only remaining candidate who, to my knowledge, has never called his wife a cunt. Which, in my mind, is a plus.

And the election has been good for my own marriage because it’s given my wife and I something to talk about for the first time in… ever. I tend to goad her on whenever she starts talking about the election because when she’s talking about her dislike for the Republicans, she’s ignoring her own dislike for me. Which is great.

But enough’s enough. I feel like the kid who’s been given free run of the candy shop and ate himself sick. This election has gotten me nauseous. It’s just not fun anymore. The fact that I now even know enough about Acorn to make a joke about them proves it. The fact that any of us is now familiar with the term “first dude” further proves it. I will be so happy on November 5th when I can finally turn my attention away from electing the leader of the free world and return it to the financial apocalypse currently underway. Whoever wins, Barack or Methuselah, is going to find himself in a biblical-sized shit storm upon taking the oath.

Just to put all of this in perspective, not only has our economic meltdown taken a backseat to formerly obscure domestic terrorist/Chicago “citizen of the year” Bill Ayers, but I feel like NOBODY is talking about the fact that Lindsay Lohan totally came out of the closet! What’s the matter with this country??? When did our national priorities get so completely and totally fucked?

At the beginning of this election season, during the primaries, I told people that I was supporting Obama because he had the potential to become a “transformative” political figure, the kind of person who could heal the country after the last sixteen fractious years. But watching the latest McCain-Palin rallies has certainly disproved me of that notion. No, this country is going to remain as divided as ever. Maybe even more so. It seems that we just don’t like each other very much. Which is weird because when I think about all the Republicans I know or have known, I like them just fine. I like everybody. I even like Mitt Romney. (I’m obviously exaggerating to make a point.) But what’s so upsetting about Obama in particular, about his call for unity, is that the right used it against him by calling him “The One,” or in McCain’s case “That One.” They tried to paint him as a pseudo-messianic figure, while simultaneously doing everything in their power to put their own Messiah to shame with their deeds. It’s hard not to demonize the right when you see them all whipped into a rabid froth at the Palin rallies, calling Obama a terrorist, and then boo McCain when he tells them that Obama is a decent man.

I know politics is a high stakes game: the last eight years have proven how high the stakes are, but I wish there was just more human decency in the game. Certainly I’m not helping matters when I write posts like “Hopefully  This Doesn’t Across as Sexist, But Sarah Palin Can Suck My Dick.” But none of us is perfect. (Except Rush Limbaugh.)

Yes, I am sick of this election. Sick of the ugliness, the vindictiveness, the pettiness, the spin, the debates, the mud-slinging, the lawn signs, the state of Ohio, the word “moose,” the phrase “game changer,” Keith Olbermann’s eyebrows, the colors red and blue, Tina Fey, the term “Rovian tactics” or “Rovian” anything (I expect NASA to soon put a Rovian Lander on Mars). I’m sick of the media talking about the media, and then them talking about that. I’m sick of talking in general. Sick of any and all mavericks. Of the town of Wasilla, the city of Scranton and it’s mythical bitter, gun-and-religion-clinging inhabitants, people named Joe who drink six beers at a time, gay marriage, the confusion between a “bail-out” and a “rescue plan,” swing voters, dead babies, anything that any celebrity has to say about anything, YouTube, the distinctly un-American game called “hockey,” people from Kenya, the idea that just because you have a position at one place and time means you have to have the same position at a later place and time even if the information that first formed your original position has changed, speculation of any sort, the fact that my son’s front teeth have been wiggly for months but won’t come out, Tucker Bounds (Is it a coincidence that the only other two people I have ever heard of named Tucker – Tucker Carlson and Tucker Max – are also douchebags?), people with earpieces, Congress, the Supreme Court, and the American flag. All of it is a big, stinking, fetid pile of shit.

And I’m sick of it.


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I totally understand, I hate it too. But I'm still not sure who to vote for, so I still have to pay attention.

And dude, I still think Sarah Palin should suck you dick.

We'd all pay to watch that.



I know! I am shocked that I have read virtually nothing about Lindsay Lohan being a lesbian. Stupid election and recession.


You forgot about the most evil Tucker, Tucker Eskew:


Ethereal Zoe

Holy crap! You reached into my soul, read my guts, and sprayed them onto your blog. I fucking love you.

For the first time in my life, I would totally give you a blowjob. Absolutely!


"...and then there's Maude!"


Tie some dental floss around your son's teeth, divert his attention and punch him in the mouth. You finally get rid of those wobblers and release some tension at the same time.


I love you Michael, but I have to disagree. I do agree that it is disheartening that people are ugly to each other, to witness the frenzy and the ignorance and the bias and the prejudice that comes out. But for the first time in ten years, I don't feel at a loss. I don't feel that America's situation is hopeless, even though everything has gone to shit. Because I think we were led down an ugly path by a bad man, and he did bad bad things to us, but I hear sirens in the distance, and I'm ready to be rescued. And maybe I am young and naive and all out stupid, but I believe they'll get here before the bad man does me in. And that gives me hope. And that I have not felt for a very long time.


Well . . . maybe naive, but not so much with the young (damn, where did my twenties go??) :p


You really are spoiling us silly, thank you.

Such a fantastic rant.

Keith Olbermanns eyebrows! What about his skin? I really like his skin. He has very VERY nice skin. Its almost doll-like. Sure he's got gobs of make-up on but still. (P.S. I've sent your rants to Rachel Maddows email. I know I know, I can't help myself! I didn't even ask your permission either because I'm such a bitch. Neener, neener.)

The very fact that The Ethereal Zoe is ready and willing for you to drop and let her give you 20 (blow jobs), just proves to the masses a fact that I've known for years, you are a Prince among men.

And I laughed and laughed at your statement about enjoying and encouraging your wifes pre-occupation with hating the Republicans. I fear that my husband is doing the same stinking thing.

"Really, hon. You're so right. What else do you think? Don't leave a thing out, I'm incredibly interested and curious about what you think...!"

Damn. He's SOOOOOO busted.


As for the black guy...

He's also the only remaining candidate who, to my knowledge, has never called his wife a dame during a time when it was common and appropriate.

Stacey E

Lindsay Lohan is probably about as gay as the weird broad that used to be with Ellen. Then was with guys and then declared she talked with aliens. One glaring indication that she isn't "actually" gay is that she's attractive. Name me one lesbian who doesn't look like Squiggy.


As far as Sarah Palin is concerned...i think that it's cruel to name your special needs child after a math subject he'll never master. "Trig"? Way to go, Sarah Palin.


haha kwech :) Good one.


>>>It makes me sound both progressive and ignorant in the same breath, a combination I find irresistible.

Hahahahahahahahaha. Hilarious. Poor Michael with his candy-filled stomach. You just need a breather. Sit on your couch and watch something totally anti-political, like "The Facts of Life" or "The Cosby Show," for a good 48 hours. Give your tummy some time to digest all those meanies. By the time Rudy hits puberty and Theo graduates NYU, you'll be fresh-faced, beautiful, and ready to be sickened by humanity again. "The Cosby Show" is a great meanie filter. Especially when accompanied by a hoagie and chocolate soda.


I've been telling people since Palin was chosen that naming a Down Syndrome baby Trig is like naming a baby with no legs, Racer.


Will they just hold the actual damned election already. The rest of the planet has lives to get on with, we can't be sitting around here all year waiting for the US to make it's decision.

I just want to know how all the fucktards in global positions of power, who are the ones that brought the global economy to it's knees, can possibly be the right people to make it stand again.

Sack the fucking lot of them, and elect some folks who, oh, I don't know, actually know what the fuck they're doing.


I decided your last funny paragraph is poetic perfection. It's like butter. It can stand alone.

Like stand alone butter.


Congratulations! You just won a $1,000 Wal-Mart gift card


I would like to see the rest of the campaign communicated entirely with Facebook pokes between Obama and McCain.


I look at the election the way I look at everything. As if it was a baseball game.

In baseball, when a pitcher continously gives up grand slam after grand slam after grand slam year after year, it's time to retire that pitcher and bring someone up from the minors. Bring up the young prospect. It ludicrous to even consider keeping that old washed up pitcher in the league. He keeps blowing the big game. The young rookie fresh up from the minors might not win 20 games a year. But at least there's always promise and hope for a long, prosperous career. With the rookie, failure is not a foregone conclusion, as it is with the wrinkled old washed up, confused pitcher whose spoiled, lazy, self important, thieving, dishonest, greedy "Baby Boomer" generation has completely fucked up this country and alienated its own children. (I hate you mom!!!)

In closing, any working class or lower middle class American who plans to vote for John McCain this year should drown in a swimming pool filled Dick Cheney's feces.


>>>With the rookie, failure is not a foregone conclusion, as it is with the wrinkled old washed up, confused pitcher whose spoiled, lazy, self important, thieving, dishonest, greedy 'Baby Boomer' generation has completely fucked up this country and alienated its own children. (I hate you mom!!!)

Hahahahaha! Oh Bobo. Funny.

(Poor McCain. I still think you're alright, but Bobo's got a point Johnny.)



Look on the bright side... all of the pornographic, sexy talk with the candidates "pounding", "hammering", and "tagging" one another.


Brilliant shit Michael. At first I was a bit shaky on your politically-themed blogs, but this one has quashed those concerns. Right on.


come on, people. this is PALIN! she didn't name her son after a subject she's never heard of.

Trig is short for "trigger". as in spot wolf from helicopter, pull TRIGGER"!

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