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October 07, 2008

I’m Considering Filing Criminal Charges Against All Assholes

There’s got to be some kind of law against people acting like assholes. And if there is, those people are going to have to defend themselves in a court of law because I am sick of it. As such I have retained a lawyer and will be filing criminal charges for “general assholeness.”

For example, the other day I was driving home and was caught in traffic. This was the kind of slow-moving bumper-to-bumper traffic associated with road construction or traffic accident or (as I was hoping) suicide off an overpass. The cause of the traffic is irrelevant. What IS relevant is that the guy in the car behind me kept laying on his horn. BEEEEEP! As if to say, “Hurry up!” Well, I couldn’t hurry up because there was a car in front of me. And a car in front of that person, etc. All within plain site of the ASSHOLE behind me who decided that, for whatever reason, the entire highway was conspiring against him. That all of us had agreed to stop our cars in the middle of the road, thus preventing him from getting to whatever gun show he was on his way to attending. (I’m assuming he was on his way to a gun show because if he had already had the weapon, I have no doubt he would have used it on me.) I tried to explain to this by screaming “SHUT THE FUCK UP” in my car, but I doubt he was able to hear me because both of us had our windows rolled up. Sir, you will be hearing from my lawyer.

Another example: my local supermarket refuses to carry diet cream soda, even though they carry every other conceivable combination of soda pop in the entire world. Cola, diet cola. Root beer, diet root beer. Orange soda, diet orange soda. They even have black cherry, diet black cherry. And yet they only stock regular cream soda! When I asked them about this discrepancy, they told me that they don’t stock diet cream soda. I KNOW! THAT’S WHY I FUCKING ASKED YOU ABOUT IT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! I didn’t say that. I don’t have to say anything. I will let the power of the law do my speaking for me.

The dentist is also an asshole. Don’t fucking tell me to floss when you know I am not going to. Every time I go in there he asks me if I’ve been flossing. “Not as often as I should,” I respond (never). To which he says, “You really should floss. Plaque from your teeth can travel to your heart and kill you.” FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! As if I don’t have enough stress in my life, now you’re telling me that not flossing my teeth can actually put my life at risk? If you think that information is going to change my behavior, you are mistaken. The only thing it’s going to do is make me hate you more, Mr. Dentist. I wasn’t crazy about you to begin with, but now you’re threatening my life! Your flossing scare tactics will not get me to take better care of my teeth, but they will cost you tens of thousands of dollars in litigation. I hope you have malpractice insurance, asshole.

Hey asshole friend of mine who gave me the mountain bike you didn’t want anymore: YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. The mountain bike wasn’t “free.” It needed a hundred and thirty dollar “tune-up” just to get it in working order, and then when I finally took it out on the trails behind my house, it was FUCKING HARD! You told me mountain biking was “a blast.” Fuck you, you fucking hippie. Mountain biking isn’t A BLAST! It’s fucking scary riding a bike over logs and rocks. I’m almost forty years old. Did you really think I’d be out there with my baggie filled with GORP (good old-fashioned raisins and peanuts), chugging up mountain passes and navigating waterfalls??? FUCK YOU! So now I have this mountain bike sitting in my garage that I’m probably never going to use again. And it’s mocking me. Every time I see it, I think about what a loser I am, and every time I think about that, do you what I think about? What an ASSHOLE YOU ARE! I hate when friendships end in litigation but this was your own fault, dickwad.

There are other assholes out there: My wife, who suggested it might be fun to go apple picking; my kids who, while “apple picking,” instead made their way over to the pumpkin patch where picked out the biggest pumpkins they could find, knowing how hard it would be for me to carry them all the way back to the car; Michael Showalter who is an asshole on general principle; Republicans; and the Cub Scout leader I am going to meet tonight who is an asshole by definition. Fuck all of you. See you in court.



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Brendan

Yeah i know about seven million ass holes. I've only sued like eight million though

Brendan

P.S.

I bought Stella like a year ago and still laugh hysterically at it every time I watch

Eric

Due to the lengthy and costly nature of lawsuits, you may wish to seek out other means of retribution.

I suggest finding opportunities to urinate in the things the assholes eat and drink.

Jaime

A&W Diet Cream Soda is boss. Your grocery store is mean and filled with opinions. Assholes.

Stacey E

Thanks for the definition of GORP. I never cared enough to find out why they called it that. (unless you just made that up, in which case, very clever)
If your store won't carry your beverage of choice, I suggest you either stand in the aisles and complain loudly, or move to a more permissive society. Where a man can drink a diet cream soda, willy nilly.

ChloeJ82

Poor Sho.

boyandgirlscoutsdotcom

Watch out for the Cub Scout leader. We know stuff and you'd make a great example to teach the kids tight, binding knots. The President was a Cub Scout. We are Legion.

Nickel Jean

I'm a newly-minted Girl Scout Leader...I hope that doesn't make me an asshole. I must say, however, that the Boy Scouts are an asshole-ish organization, especially because of their homophobic stance. I have already worried about what I will do if my son asks to join the Cub Scouts when he's old enough. I wouldn't want him to join, but I wouldn't feel right telling him no because of my own involvement in the Girl Scouts.

On a non-Scouting-related note, diet cream soda? Really?

yankeebird

Reading this really made me angry, thereby raising my blood pressure, thereby jeopardizing my health. You sir, will be hearing from my lawyer. You'll know it's him because he's an asshole.

Reen

This was SO funny you crotchety old (almost 40!) bastard!

Unless you or your wife become scout leaders, (den mother/den father/plain old "Lee-dah")scouts will be hell on earth for your kids. Everyone knows the leaders kids get preferential treatment and everyone else is treated like garbage. And, btw, get used to garbage. Scouts make crafts out of garbage (egg cartons, coffee cans)on a regular basis.

Your examples of assholant behavior is top notch. Example 1. reminded me of the 3 vacations I took to Mass and it's surrounding states. I found out why you all have the highest insurance rates in the country. Sure you have rolling hills, lovely foilage, and fancy "squares", you are also a stones throw away from Salem, and it's witchy inhabitants. And, more to the point, you have the most bird flipping, loud mouthing, assholery driving jerk-offs per capita. The light would turn green at any given intersection and literally 2 SECONDS after, someone behind me was laying on the horn. Two SECONDS. I'll say it again: SECONDS.

Although admittedly, I have only chatted with Sho in short "bursts" over the years, he has always been nothing but accomodating, kind, and funny. I have never experienced an ounce of assholette behavior. Or from you for that matter.

Yes sir. Both of you smooth honkys are the bees knees, tell ya that right now. You betchya! Mmm doggy!

Camille

Great rant blog! Think of all the diet cream soda you could have purchased with that $130! What's with diet soda anyway? They try to make it so appealing but after the first few sips it's blah with little to no substance.Imo,of course.

Zane

Funny blog, though you most certainly already realize that being so litigious will only gain you the title of "King Asshole" and while the coronation might fulfill a despotic fantasy of some sort in the short term, you'll come to remember that with so many of your fans, you already hold that esteemed title.

On my latest teeth-cleaning trip to the dentist, I was again informed of the extreme dangers of not flossing. They used analogies to cocaine and heroin addiction that I can't recall now (and was annoyed with at the time). I have since started flossing more (kinda) and do get a perverse pleasure seeing my gums bleed and watching little bits of spittle hit the bathroom mirror. Knowing that I am paying someone to clean that off for me twice a week is a pleasant reminder that I am doing okay in this world for now. At least until you sue me for harrassment, which I should probably expect will happen any day now.

me again

My grocery store didn't carry Fudge Rounds, so I called Little Debbie consumer hotline and they showed up about six months later.

And speaking of lawsuits, whatever happened to Rabbi Robert Shapiro of Legalzoom.com?? Who should I turn to for my legal documents???

Satur9

Reen - they don't call us Massholes for nothin'! Driving in this state is a horrible, traumatizing experience and nothing short of growing up here can help prepare you for the unbelievable amounts of rudeness one encounters on the road.

On another note, now I'm craving a freaking cream soda.

Reptar

"I prefer to think that I was being affectionate despite the fact that the commenter correctly points out that nobody laughed at the joke and I am clearly the only person who felt like I was being anything resembling affectionate as opposed to, say, a total asshole. I have this problem a lot." -- Michael Ian Black

So do you have to hire both a prosecutor and a criminal defense lawyer? Or can you hire one person to do both? Either way, I think the trial would make for a zany court comedy, probably starring Pauly Shore.

dzon

Oh boy don't get me started about dentists and flossing. They ask if you floss because they know you will lie and they'll feel all righteous. They have to boost their self esteem because after all they are in people's mouths all day. We all know only the proctologist has a worse work environment. You should really sue the makers of floss for foisting a useless product on the American public. Did George Washington floss!?

Zane

Also, most grocery stores DON'T carry diet cream soda, a fact that I have accepted and was JUST discussing with someone only yesterday. Weird coincidence? No, because most grocery stores don't carry it and that IS annoying and worth complaining about because every so often, if I feel like trying one again, I can't. Sue away.

Mountain biking over messy trails is scary and dangerous and you have no business risking ruining your boss mug just for the sake of being "fit". I tried it once on vacation with a large group of friends, a proper mountain-biking tour thing that kitted us all up. I ended up with (maybe pretend) altitude sickness, crying and quitting, forcing one of the guides to drive me to where we were all meeting for lunch that day. Carting pumpkins to the car once a year is enough exercise for anyone.

ss

hiiilaaarious! I love angry michael

Reen

Satur9 (how do you pronounce that s/n?) - thank you for that validation. And I know this may get me pummelled, but I ran into some very rude "pedestrians" well.

I was staying with a friend in Mass and after running to the grocery store in her car, got turned around, and lost. I ran into a convenience store for directions and was met with this:

"What, youwah tellin' me youwah from Illinaw, dwahvin' awound Woostuh without a mahp? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

ha. ha. ha.

The People

You should tell that asshole Michael Showalter to start blogging more. Your attempts at comedy are tiring me. Plus, I'm sick of looking at pictures of his cats watching T.V.

Jo

Who drinks Diet Black Cherry soda?
Apple picking is so much fun.

Jaime

The People:
1st sentence: haha!
3rd sentence: hahahaha! Right?! hahaha!
2nd sentence: oh. no. you. di'int. Add him to the lawsuit Michael!

I am drinking a generic HEB brand Diet Wild Red. Bargains are delicious!

Satur9

Reen - Haha! Wista is what we call "The Armpit of Massachusetts". I'd be rude and miserable and develop an obnoxious accent if I had to live there, too.

One redeeming quality, though, is that we have no shortage of diet cream soda in this area. Thank you, Polar Beverage factory with the giant inflatable bear out front.

On the s/n, It's pronounced Sa-ter-nine.

Jimmy Jim Jim

HAHAHA... I am taking up a lawyer as well and adding scary things to the list. How dare it scare me, such an ASSHOLE thing to do. My question is how do you sue a ghost? hmm... Please help.

Jaime

Poor Reen, let's add him to the lawsuit. I am enjoying this litigiousness! This is fun. Who else can we sue?!

Mmmmm, how about the lady who interrupted my conversation today to see if I wanted to fill out a survey? After reading this post, I was pained not to butt slam her with a loud "Asshole!" retort. Instead I just slapped her with the broad side of my hand. I think she got the message.

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