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October 09, 2008

I Know I Have a Bad Habit of Posting Hateful Reviews, But I Found This One of My Book on Amazon and it Really Made Me Laugh

From David H. Birley:

I dutifully read the forward (by Abraham Lincoln), the dust cover, and the first two or three items as well as dipping into the volume elsewhere. I found it extremely difficult to picture this as "humor", and was greatly offended by the frequent insertion of unnecessary "naughty words". As an English Language teacher told me once, "Dirty language is offered by folks who haven't anything better to say".

However, before allowing this review to give the impression that I am one of those religious fanatics who find "dam" acceptable, but "damn" not so, permit me to explain "unnecessary" as a modifier of "naughty words". Perhaps I can do that best by giving an example of what I consider to be "acceptable".

In the movie "Fly Away Home" there is a scene where the evening staff at an air base are nervously watching some unidentified images tracking slowly across their RADAR screens. The commander is trying to determine whether to scramble a flight of jet interceptors. He goes outside and looks up, and there is a pre-pubescent Anna Paquin flying an ultralight, trailed by a vee formation of geese (which she is teaching how to migrate). The commander says "Holy [naughty word]". I firmly believe that, had I been the person in that situation, I would have said precisely the same thing. Hence I consider it "acceptable".

Throwing dirty words around gratuitously merely demonstrates an empty brain trying to get the word count up. Not funny, not funny, not funny. If I could give it zero stars, I would.

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s.gothman

Oh, Sarah Palin...

elton

I love how he writes "In the movie 'Fly Away Home' there is a scene" as if Fly Away Home is a film we are always constantly referencing.

In the movie "Big Momma's House 2", there is a scene where Martin Lawrence...

ss

who uses fly away home as an example for anything? what a loser.

Reen

Haha!

Mr. Empty brain! Oh, thats you, alright. Mr. Empty Brain. Never have aaannything to say about anything so you have to resort to "naughty words". Which makes me think of John Cleese. But that makes sense, kind of. Naughty words, naughty bits, Monty Python, John Cleese.

What path did Davids brain take? He went from "dirty word acceptability" to one particular and unusual Disney-esque moment in "Fly Away Home" of all the movies? Do we think he just watched it? Or do we think it's the only movie he owns?

I'd just like to know how this guy got a hold of your book.

"Morning David, I have an enlightening book I want you to read. No, not a self-help, per se'...here, take it...leave your Quaker boot-laces alone for a second..."

Miguel

I would have found the word 'young' more "acceptable" rather than use the word 'pre-pubescent' which seemed "uneccessary". And creepy.

Jimmy Jim Jim

How interesting, when I was preparing my review of "My Custom Van"... I was going to reference the profane language quality to the need to make a legally blonde 2 and what my community college professor instructed me; "Remember them period thingy’s". After reading that well constructed review I now know what a mistake that would have been. Personally, if I could give negative stars… I would have. -1 for him… -1 for his book…. And -1 for his broken robotic arm.

Zane

Okay, that review was dam funny. I see this guy as a cub scout leader-type, hope yours wasn't quite so nutty ( and also, as the last person said, creepy.

Here's an excerpt from a different reviewer.

"My Custom Van" is a hilarious read and... incredibly written and hilarious in style and subject. It is one of the best humor books to come out in a long time.

AmbroseKalifornia

David H. Birley, eat some [naughty word] you [naughty word] [naughty word] [naughty word]. [naughty word].

Ethereal Zoe

Gotta go with Miguel on this one. My money's on David thinking WAY too much about Anna Paquin.

Call me a horrible stalker, but I had to go look at David's review myself. That led to me skimming his other reviews. Now, I'm not encouraging anybody to do the same, but. . . y'all should totally do the same. From Mormons, to Gladys Knight, to Jackie Collins, to Martin Short - - this guy has seen it ALL! He's my new Amazon.com hero.

(Please ignore that he is from South Carolina. Thankie.)

Holly

Well I guess we've learned that, "dirty language is offered by folks who haven't anything better to say." But sometimes they use a discussion about birds. Or pre-pubescent girls.

Bobo

Lavas el bano mas tarde.

1. Paul's warts embezzled tuna from the library.
2. Mayor Dingus opposes same species dialogue.
3. My epaleptic canary lost the election after circumsizing a carrot's fiance.
4. Be wary of wire hangers that speak rudely to the Portugese.
5. When his water pistol is filled with salmon eggs, Johnny won't salute cheese.
6. The physicist was accused of failure to maintain orbit around Paducah, Ky.
7. I was stabbed in the eye by an unhinged turnip.
8. Horseshoes in the oven won't bring luck to a shepherd's pie.
9. The fifth hammer shark was uncertain of his public speaking skills.
10. Dog saliva was the glory sought by warrior pumpkins.


Chowner

What a boring, pretentious fuck wad.

me again

Am I the only one who found the review kind of charming? I want to meet this guy! We could talk about "Fly Away Home", and how we "love" to "use" quotation "marks."

defie

fuck
shit
damn
dam
cock
piss
pussy
cunt
goddamn
goddam
dick
hell
ass
damn
dam

Reen

Bobo needs to just go ahead and surrender his Mad Libs. (Before I "naughty word" strangle him).

Bobo

I can create a gramatically correct sentence using only derivitives of the word "Fuck."

begin:
"Fucking fuckers fucked fucking fucker, fucker."

breakdown:

Fucking(adverb)
fuckers (noun and protagonists)
fucked (verb)
fucking (adverb)
fuckers (noun and victims)
fucker (pronoun, you to whom I am speaking)

I minored in English but didn't graduate, so please correct me if there is a grammatical error. (I studied at SIU-C where I had a double major in Mickey's Big Mouths and Whippets.)

Reen: It's not Mad Libs. It's subconscious freestyling, and it's going to be the next big thing in literature. You'll see. I'm a pioneer.


Tee

The greatest thing about this blog, is that you recognise that torturing yourself with shitty reviews is a bad habit. The first step to recovery is to recognise and admit to the problem.

Now, get your sweet ass out there into interwebs land, and read all the nice things written about you.

There was a documentary here in Brit country which highlighted that bad language was historically the medium of the upper classes, that the serfs and plebs rarely cussed with graphic expletives. I've forgotten what point I was trying to make with that, but thought it bore mentioning.

Camille

I have to agree with everyone else who thought the term "pre-pubescent Anna Paquin" is creepy. He should have used "budding" or "virginal".
I think it's safe to assume that you completely disregarded this critique.

Beezus

It's Ned Flanders!

Shaka

Looks like someone isn't coming to the taco party...

Bailey

That cock sucking, mother fucking, cunt licking, bitch whoring, dick of an asshole can just go to hell and roll in some shit!

Reen should never drink Chianti while making an Italian dinner

Bobo, you freak me out, and I like that.

Bailey, you are NOT my sweet student from Insurance. And dammit, I like that, too.

Michael, I like you best because "my mother told me to pick the very best one and you are IT!". Not really, my mom passed. As you may remember. Or not.

Tomorrow, have a great Stella show wearing your brown Stella suit and your matching Stella shoes. I hope no one spills their Stella (Artois) Beer on stage and the Stella (Artois) Beer doesn't slowly creep towards said Stella (brown so they match)shoes.

(DOH!)

Zane

I want to be at Reen's fun pasta-making dinner party rather than sitting here atoning for my sins. Imagine the hijinks we could get into if paired up at a Stella show! Poor Michael, you'd probably quickly slip out the back with an a eye looking over your shoulder the whole way home. I mean, uh, if we were drinking wine...;-)

Reptar

Since Ana Paquin is legal now, it's okay to have impure thoughts. Right?

David H. Birley also picked a really stupid fucking scene to stain his pajamas over. I thought the much more relevant, socially-dynamic scene was when Paquin walked in on one of the geese rubbing one out on the shitter, and it was just awkward between those two for the rest of the movie, especially when the goose really did have to take a shit and excuse himself to the restroom. You just KNOW Paquin was thinking he had other intentions...

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