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October 22, 2008

I Am Not A Real American

A new theme has lately emerged in the upcoming presidential election by which certain parties claim that certain other parties are not “real” Americans, and may in fact be “anti-American.” Because I fall into the camp that is more often accused of such things, let me be the first of my people to come clean and declare to the world: I am not a real American.

I did not know this about myself until I started listening to the candidates. Whenever they discussed the habits and predilections of anti-Americans, I found myself thinking “Hey, that sounds like me.”

For example, I read the New York Times. Not once in a while. Every day. I thought I did this because I enjoy knowing what’s going on in the world, but now I know that I read that newspaper because I hate America.

Second, I live on the east coast. People on the east coast apparently drink a disproportionate amount of latte, eat an astronomical amount of cheese, and attend waaay too many cocktail parties. Guilty, guilty, and guilty (I do not drink coffee beverages, but I do drink green tea and if I had to guess, green tea is probably anti-American too). Furthermore, I spent ten years of my life living in New York City, probably the most godless, anti-American city in this country, except one:

Yes, I lived in Hollywood. For about a year and a half. To further my career. Big mistake. At the time, I didn’t consider moving to Southern California as anything worse than selling out my soul. Never did I imagine I was also selling out my country. But I was. Everybody now knows that people who live in Hollywood hate America. It’s like Tehran over there, only with more fake boobs and better fast food chicken.


I do not go to church. I don’t go to Christian church or Jew church or any other church. I don’t go to church at all. Not ever. A perfect Sunday for me is spent drinking green tea while reading the Sunday New York Times. Yikes! Why don’t I just turn in my Al-Qaeda membership form and call it a day? As if that wasn’t bad enough, not only do I not go to church:

I don’t believe in God. How can I say the Pledge of Allegiance if I don’t believe in God? How can I spend our American currency which pledges “In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe in God. I wish I did, especially if He was the kind of God that thought America was #1.  But I don’t, which to many people is the same as not believing in America. Up until recently, I thought those people were lunatics. Now I know that I’m the crazy one. The crazy, America-hating one, that is.

Man, I hate this country. I hate this country so much that sometimes when I’m watching baseball on TV and they start singing the national anthem I do not put my hand over my heart. Honestly, there are times when I don’t even stand up.

And the last time I wore a flag pin on my lapel? Never. Which is to say that, in my life, I've worn fewer American flag lapel pins than I have Duran Duran pins. Talk about a traitor!

I hate this country so much that when the Boy Scouts come around asking me to buy holiday wreaths, I usually just buy one. Never mind the fact that I’ve got half a dozen doors on my house. One is my limit.

I hate this country with such a passion that I have used foul language when describing our president. And not just during peacetime, but during a time of war. I have used hateful words like “retard,” and “asshole.” Who is the president if not the commander in chief? So when I call him a retard and an asshole, I now know that I am calling our troops retards and assholes too. God I hate the troops.

Moreover, I am a Communist. I know this because I think Barack Obama (socialist/terrorist) is right to say that the top wage earners in this country should pay a little bit more to help dig us out of the hole that our current retarded, asshole president has dug for us. And even though that means I am voting to give myself a tax increase, I am doing it not because I think that I, and people like me, should "spread the wealth" a little bit more, but because I believe Barack Obama will finally transform this country into a godless worker’s paradise.

And sometimes if offered apple pie, I say no.

And I believe that social security is pretty good just the way it is.

And there have been times, many times, when I have disagreed with this country and hated America enough to express my disagreement. Sometimes in the privacy of my own home, but sometimes in public, on the same streets that real Americans have to walk.

Here’s how much I hate America: when the Supreme Court decided that inmates at Guantanamo had the right to challenge the legality of their detention, I came right out and said (and this is an exact quote), “Good.” And when it was learned that Americans were torturing suspected terrorists, I said, (and this is an exact quote) “Not good.”

Let me be unequivocal: I hate, hate, hate America.

There may be some of you out there who say, “If you hate this country so much why don’t you leave?” Well I would, except that I’ve also recently learned from the same people that told me how much I hate the US that America is the greatest country in the history of mankind. So even though I obviously hate our nation and everybody in it, I am reluctant to leave just in case expressing my constituional freedoms doesn't mean I'm not a real American.

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me again

Things we have in common:
Not going to Jew Church OR Regular Church
Coastal living
Lack of flag pins

Things we don't have in common:
No Chik-fil-A in Hollywood = chicken superiority DENIED.
Also, coffee is good.

So I guess I'm just semi-American.

defie

HOLY...SHIT....


This is awesome.

syph

My boyfriend was naturalized in Chicago, but apparently living here nullifies his Americanity? Another Windy City scam!!

Sean

Wow... I did not see that coming. A Communist? I totally thought you were a bona fide Fascist, reaching this conclusion after you controversially championed Bite-Sized Pineapple Chunks over Dried Mango Strips in your Fruit Smackdown.

Well, now things have changed for the better. Welcome to the commie-pinko, not putting your hand over your heart during the national anthem, and having lived in southern California club!

Disclaimer: I'm an Orange County native, so I'm kinda part of an on-the-fence area since we have so many "real" Americans mixing with us here. Newport Beach is our shining example...

Sean

As for Chik-fil-A... we have a couple at least over in Costa Mesa, Irvine... come down to the "REAL" L.A. if you want your fill!

creeper

i'll pray for you

Jaime

I'll bet you look good in pink.

Jaime

(that was a compliment by the way. Like, manly-pinko-pink. Like cowboy-hat-wearing-green-tea-drinking-rebel-without -an-anthem-dressed-in-pinko-pink pink. I swear! ;p)

Ryalye

I'm apparently not American because I don't enjoy playing or watching baseball.

I recently took a survey on why Americans like baseball, and 60% said that if a person doesn't like baseball they're either too stupid to understand the game or they're not American. But the thing is, that's not what I asked. I hate you America.

Chumbolex

A real American? You don't drink coffee, are you even a real person? Also, you agree with Obama. I mean, I voted for him, but I don't agree anything he says. It's just that he's black, and I'm black... you know the deal. But if I had my druthers, president Sharpton would be commander and cheif in November. But just like when I chose my job, girlfriend, barber and which blog to read during my break, I have had to go with my second choice once again. (sigh)

AmbroseKalifornia

I totally understand Michael. I hate when those hypocritical fucking cumsocks try to make me feel like I am less of an American than them because I've don't pray to god every night or listen to Toby Keith or punch gays. Fuck them. Fuck those fucking sanctimonious assholes with a fucking fragmentation hand grenade right in the asses their unborn fucking children. At least they won't grow up to be ignorant pieces of shit like you.

FUCK!!

AmbroseKalifornia

Goddamnit, I'm still mad. Sorry if I offended anyone here I like. I guess if you think folks in the flyover states should be allowed to reproduce, you're better than me. Check this out, it's a Wordle of MIB's blog.

http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j153/AmbroseKalifornia/mibwordle.jpg

He hates this country about as much as I do. Well, more, because he turns down apple pie. I totally empathize with his feelings of disgust, and really wish that people who try so hard to divide our country would be shot like the rabble-rousing secessionist traitors that they are. Deus Vult.

Jesus, I need a drink.

Jaime

Um Ambrose, at the risk of receiving a grenade up the ass of my unborn children, ain't that just the other side of the pendulum dearie? I mean, shouldn't the word of the day be tolerance? Can we really criticize intolerace by, in the same vein, being . . . intolerant? Just sayin . . . (don't hurt me!)

Joel Yeomans

I am not a real American because I am a Canadian.

Stella Merchandising

Hey! Sorry to change the subject a bit but we've got ourselves a Stella Winter Tour!

See www.stellacomedy.com, www.myspace.com/davidwain or www.myspace.com/stellamerch for all the info.

Time to order your Stella gear and show some love you guys!

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ucaire

If Thomas Jefferson lived in the present day and wrote, what he did write back in the 18th century he would probably be denounced as a radical un-american marxist lunatic.

bernie

I prefer Japanese cartoons over American ones... I must be anti-American too.

OH NOESSS!!! :(

Dzon

It's tough to be funny about a subject that is "no laughing matter." Intolerant assholes.

Jenny

You know what, Jaime's comment to Ambrose is so right. I find it endlessly ironic that all the so-called enlightened, open-minded people who keep saying shit like, "Fucking Christians, they're all narrow minded assholes who are proud to say things like 'God Hates Fags.'" (which is so fucked up anyway)

And that pisses me off more than cross-country skiing. Because, first of all...are you seriously labelling a large a group of people? Aren't you against that?? And secondly, you're being just as intolerant as those who you claim are intolerant..as well. It's exactly the other side of the pendulum. And it's just so funny and sad. Yeah. There are fuck ups. Everywhere. Of every belief. And every non-belief. But are you really going to believe that an entire group of people is represented by one retard? Grow up. The same thing can be said for the Democrat-Republican label thing. It just gets my goat.

If it were up to me there would be no fucking parties in the first place. Or at least two dominate, "all-ecompassing" parties. Just, screw labels in general, how dare you.

AmbroseKalifornia

Jenny-

I am enlightened. I am open-minded. I am also very, very pissed off. You think people like them are going to stop thinking the way they do without a little nudge? We had to FORCE integration on the South with National Guardsmen, and the Klan was still killing people for years after. Do you suppose the "God Hates Fags" crowd are just going to accept thinks like gay marriage without a fight? Do you think that there's not a pretty significant chance that some praise-Jesus fuckwit is gonna try to kill Barack Obama because someone else told him he was a terrorist? Do you think we should wait around until they do something horrible before we get angry?

And as for labeling; look, we have stereotypes because they're an effective way of grouping folks quickly, so we can figure out, in out minds, what to do with them. I understand that not everyone in Kansas hates gay folks. I know, cause my Mom moved there. And chances are, I wouldn't kill a child for the mistakes of it's willfully ignorant parents. It's hyperbole. It's a rant.

But I am sick and goddamned tired of white christians acting like they're the persecuted ones, like their lives are the ones under attack. They tell the flock that they are in the presence of a Moral Threat. Trying to make them feel solidarity through persecution. And what are they telling us? They're telling women they have to have babies they don't want, telling people that a man is a terrorist because he has a NAME THAT RHYMES with a terrorist, telling gays they can't engage in a RELIGIOUS CEREMONY that the Government should have NOTHING to do with!! Yeah, I'm pissed at them. I think something should be done. You don't like my hand grenade idea, okay, that's cool. I admit, it lacks finesse. So what's your solution, Jenny?

Wait? Just wait? You think you can wait them out?

Hatred runs deep, lady. I know.

Oderint dum metuant.

Jaime

Ambrose, take a page from MLK vs. Malcolm X, or to keep it current, from Obama vs. Palin. The reason why Obama and MLK are so genuinely inspiring for people is because they push for change embedded in an atmosphere of tolerance and brotherhood, to heal the wounds instead of deepening them. One think that's really impressed me about Obama is his generosity in argument, his unwillingness, overall, to make low blows, and, even when defending himself, to do so without being defensive, but to be patient and kind. That's a leader, and that's a role model. To quote Michael, he's "pretty fucking awesome." So, no one thinks nothing is the best answer. Fairness on the other hand though, that is. Because it's not a matter of saying nothing, but being fair in the things we say.

For example, you say: "we have stereotypes because they're an effective way of grouping folks quickly . . . I am sick and goddamned tired of white christians acting like they're the persecuted ones." Yet turn that logic around. Would you stand for a statement like this from the conservative right? : "we have stereotypes because they're an effective way of grouping folks quickly . . . Therefore, I am sick and goddamned tired of bleeding heart liberals trying to ruin the moral fiber of our country with their sick lifestyles." This might provoke hand grenades in response, eh?

Additionally, I have to say, in my experience of moderating scores of fresh little 19-yr old minds that are just overflowing with stereotypes and misconceptions, handily pulled out to argue points in their arguments, stereotypes are not useful. They never are. People are too diverse to be lumped together and attacked that way.

It isn't right, and it isn't wise, and we should strive for better. The end :)

Jaime

p.s. Thanks for your post Jenny. It's good to hear, and I feel ya.

Also, 3 more days to election people -- yay!

AmbroseKalifornia

Tolerance, tolerance, tolerance. Just waiting will not make things better. They have been pissing on everyone else for centuries, and you want to take the Gandhi approach? What will kindness get you against an armed stranger? How will happy thoughts protect your loved ones?

"I am sick and goddamned tired of bleeding heart liberals trying to ruin the moral fiber of our country with their sick lifestyles."

You think I haven't heard shit like that? From people I know, people that should goddamned know BETTER. People that I love and respect, they say horrible fucking things like that. And they aren't the worst. There are a lot of hateful folks out there. They don't see the world the way you and Jenny do. While you sing songs and braid flowers they will take everything from you. I want you to see that before it's too late.

Just wishing for something won't make it happen Jamie.

Jaime

Let me just repeat, action is necessary. Change is needed. More than wishing and flower-braiding is a must. But, again, "no one thinks 'nothing' is the best answer. Fairness on the other hand though, that is. Because it's not a matter of saying nothing, but being fair in the things we say." Say what you will about Ghandi, he made things happen, and he did it admirably.

I'm just saying, your passion is right on, your anger is justified, but, since you have "heard shit like that . . . From people [you] know, people that should goddamned know BETTER. People that [you] love and respect, they say horrible fucking things like that," it's clear hearing unfair, slanted, and ridiculous accusations upsets your sense of justice, as it should. So, I'm just saying, we should hold ourselves to the same standard. Let's not be guilty of saying horrible fucking things like that either. At least so we can feel self-righteous, because that is always fun.

Now, that being said, if McCain (more specifically, Palin) wins on Tuesday, it is possible that I might just start choking people with my flower braids and cranking up the volume on my song-singing until ears start bleeding, because Obama is about the only thing keeping me sane right now. If that happens, let me know if you need a grenade partner.

AmbroseKalifornia

Ha ha, okay. I try to remember, the Moral High Ground is always the best place to snipe from.

We should get drunk together. That'd be fun.

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