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September 11, 2008

Roller Boogie Tampa

200px-Rb_dvd A lot of you have written asking why I haven’t been blogging more lately. Here’s the reason: I am currently in Tampa, Florida for the World Roller Boogie Regional Qualifiers. A lot of people don’t know that I am a competitive roller boogiest, but I am, competing in both solo and team events. This is the first year that I’ve made the regional qualifiers and I AM SHITTING MYSELF!!! The top three from the regionals advance to the nationals, which is being held at the American Roller Boogie Capital – Venice, California, which was also the setting for “Roller Boogie” the movie. While I try to attend the nationals every year as a spectator, I have never been as a competitor and just the thought of going MAKES ME SHIT MYSELF!!!

For those of you don’t know about competitive roller boogie, here’s the way it works. For solo events, competitors have anywhere from three to five minutes to complete an original roller boogie set to the music of their choice. Most people choose disco or techno music, but I have become known in the roller boogie world for boogying to alternative country acts like Lucinda Williams. Within their set, each competitor must demonstrate proficiency in a range of skills: forwards skating, backwards skating, bending down skating, bending down skating with one leg forward, skating while clapping hands, and skating while shimmying. In addition to skill points, competitors also get points for artistic flair. This can mean anything from wearing very tight pants (as I plan on doing), to wowing the judges with a “Sparkle Wand,” which is a long iridescent want with streamers (which I also plan on doing). Scores range from 1-100. A typical winning score in the regionals is anywhere from 70-90. A perfect 100 in the regionals is almost unheard of, being attained only once by Larry “Crazy Wheels” Crenshaw in 1985. Crenshaw, incidentally is here. When I saw him, I SHIT MYSELF!!!

The team portion is similar to the solo but involves even longer songs (like stuff by ELO and Pink Floyd), and even more skill elements. Some of the skill elements in Two Person RB are: skating while holding hands, synchronous skating, synchronous skating while holding hands, and synchronous skating while holding hands in that fancy way with one hand in front of you and one behind – very tricky. Like in the solo events, team events are also awarded artistic points. Unlike the solo events, there is a third category, called “hotness.” Hotness points are highly subjective and are usually the subject of the most of the controversy in the RB world, as they are purely at the judge’s discretion and reflect how “hot” the judge believes the roller boogie couple to be. Most of you probably read about the controversy at the Worlds last year when the French judge was accused of accepting bribes after giving the reigning world champion team of Rodriguez & Velazquez (Spain) extremely low hotness points, despite the fact that they did simulated love making (missionary style) on the roller rink while also waving sparkle wands – a feat never before accomplished.

A subsequent investigation determined that the French judge was innocent of any wrongdoing, but it certainly cast a dark cloud over the hotness category and indeed, the whole sport. With so much cheating going on in sports these days, the last thing our sport needs is any additional controversy, particularly because some wealthy investors from Long Island are considering setting up a professional roller boogie league. When I heard that news, I SHIT MYSELF!!!

My partner in the team portion is a fabulous roller boogiest by the name of Kimberly DiLazzio. She started rollerblading at nine, but moved over to quad skating (which is the only kind allowed in competitive RB) at the age of thirteen, and she’s been competing in RB pretty much since then. Because she is still only sixteen her high school responsibilities prevent us from training as often as we would like, and so I have been pressuring to drop out of school so that she can devote herself to what she was meant to do. I have offered to open my home up to her as a “training center,” but her parents didn’t go for that. (Between you, me, and the lamp post, my wife wasn’t thrilled with the idea either.) Anyway, in addition to being one of the youngest competitors, she’s also definitely the youngest to master the tricky “he skates over the girl with his legs wide open and she pulls him through with her hands” skill element, which promises to be the “must have” skill for any serious competitors looking to win this thing in Tampa. In addition, she’s got a fabulous little ass, which should gather us a lot of hot points. The only question: will the discrepancy in our ages turn some of the judges off? For this reason, I am going to paint a lot of freckles on my face to make me look younger.

Anyway, as I said, the regional winners advance to the Nationals, and then the top two teams from the Nationals will represent our country in the Worlds, which are being held next year in Belgium. The Worlds only come around once every four years, so this could be my last shot. My only regret is that I didn’t have the time to train even harder than I did. Here in America, RB just isn’t taken as seriously as it is in some of the other countries, particularly in Eastern Europe, where it flourished under communism, and has not lost any of its pre-eminence since then. In fact, aside from Rodriguez & Valezquez, the past ten champions have all come from that part of the world. But I can’t even worry about that right now. My job right now is to get ready for my solo event, which is starting in just under an hour. I need to stretch and finish Bedazzling my leotard, which is drying on the shower bar as I type. Wish me luck, everybody! Because I AM SHITTING MYSELF!!!

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Paul R

Wow... this is my first FIRST!

Camille

Have you been drinking,Paul? I remember being a little tipsy the first time I was "Firsties."

All this talk of shitting oneself makes my tummy rumble.Um...er...I gotta go....

Camille

Oh,and a funny thumbs up to the blog! *toot*

SeanF

As someone who has shit himself, I can honestly say this post is offensive to nudist colonies.

Ajax

Nice to see this oft-overlooked sport get a little more attention. Kudos and good luck!

Pauly C.

If you are going to be in town on Friday night come party. I throw a weekly jam [PULP] at a club called CZAR in Ybor.

Susanna

Best of luck:

1. Performing your heart out at the World Roller Boogie Regional Qualifiers
2. Tapping that hot 16 year old ass
3. Winning that poker tournament (wink, wink)

Jenny

I would like for you to post a photo of you in said leotard with freckles.

I am not alone in this, I'm sure.

Oh, and good luck. Clean up afterwards. ;)

Ryalye

I really hope your kidding about "shitting yourself," but if you aren't I suggest you take control of your bowels before you compete because shitting oneself is so not hot.

Good luck to you.

Ryalye

And I just want you (and all the bullies at school) to know I have a learning disability and that's why I said your instead of you're. Don't make fun.

Barry Lutz

MIB, I almost most believed you... mainly because the image of you roller boogie'ing might be the funniest thing ever. You sir, were shitting me.

Brendan

Man you like to write a lot. Funny stuff though (of course)

Chloe

Last Fall I attended a midnight showing of Roller Boogie in Boston. Never before have I encountered so many drag queens on rollerskates. Not on a Tuesday, anyway.

Satur9

Three words, dude: Super Absorbent Depends.

Zane

If someone (?) happens to Tonya Harding your partner somehow, somewhere, I would be more than willing to step in and be your skating partner. I think I can still squeeze into my old rainbow tube top and red satin short-shorts (from when I was 12) and although I'm sure that my "Shoot The Moon" isn't on par with your abilities, my enthusiasm and my celebrity cachet of having had my brother's house featured in the big chase scene of "Roller Boogie" (I KNOW!) will surely sway the judges. Call me, you have the number. It is carved in the tree across the street from your house.

Cooper

I hope the winners get prize money. You'll need it to buy some new bedazzled leotards after you shit yourself again.

Reen

Dear Dreamweaver,

Thank you for this hilarious post.

I watched the news, talked on the phone with my admirers, and even viewed a creepy movie with my darling daughter, Snotcake, but I can't shake the visual imprinted in my skull all because of your blog. This blog right here.

The image of you floating (like the Martians in "Mars Attacks") effortlessly across a wooden roller rink floor, Italian jailbait by your side, twirling, holding, clapping, dipping, swooping, and maybe even jumping, like true artistic skaters - all in (very?)tight pants and bedazzled leotard? It's too much for my frail heart.

Please don't shit yourself and ruin the whole thing, Honky!

Scarlet Bloodletter

You know Mr. Roller Boogie, I'm feeling a little betrayed here. Everyone knows that I'm a rollergirl (very famous) but it's a little known fact that I too am a roller boogey-ist.

I don't know who this Kimberly DiLazzio hussy is but I'm pretty sure she's got nothin' on me! I mean, she was brought up on ROLLERBLADES?? In the wonderful world of flat track roller derby, we call those fruit boots- and we all know you've had your fair share of being called a fruit!

What you need to do is drop her like a hot potato and hit the rink with me. You want a girl that's proficient in hand clapping and skating and knocking bitches on their "fabulous little asses"? You got her! You want that perfect 100? I! Will! Take! You! There!

I've even got music picked out. Remember Xanadu? I bet you never imagined your fine, bedazzled self out there under those hot, seizure inducing lights creating eight wheeled magic to the tune of... A XANA-FUCKING-DU MEDLEY!!? What panache! Oh god. I've got chills just thinking about it.

So, we got some serious work to do if we're gonna beat those sexy Eastern Europeans.

Lesson #1: Gluteal work! Squeeeeze. Control your bowels while in stride. Pooping while skating really throws off your center of gravity. Not to mention the fact that shit stains are quite tough to get out of spandex.

See you on the rink, baby.

P.S. I think we could really clinch that world title if you were able to pull off a flawless overhead lift with a reach around finger twaddle to my "training center". Do it with passion and we got be in the bag with the Italian judge.

Zane

Well, I'm out (and a little scared).

yoyomama

is there stuff more beautiful than the glistening penis of a man in mobile boots?

Jim

Wow, that brought back middle school disco ball nightmares of birthday party rink rentals.

Reen

Hey Scarlet, hey Zane - can either of you foxy mamas do crazy trios like I can (er..could)?

Ha. Bet not.

I'm talking about being the
middle of the fastest trio ever to grace my hometown roller-rink (years defunct due to the rising cost of casualty insurance and several lawsuits).

You haven't lived until you're holding hands with a sprayed and feathered haired guard (on each side of you), and skating at the speed of light! The secret was - we were all the same height. No shorty butts. Our strides were so long they were damaging to our naughty bits!

When the AC/DC or Heart music stops, you whip around to go the other direction. Collision city? You bet! ROCK ON! DISCO SUCKS!

Josh in Michigan

Are you actually going to fight Tucker Max? I understand that it was publicity, but I think it would be a fun fight to watch.

Matt

Susanna - What poker tournament did MIB win? How did I miss this??

Susanna

Matt - I'm not sure if he won, but here is the link:

http://www.gainesville.com/article/20080911/NEWS/809110279&title=Tampa_poker_tournament_to_benefit_pediatric_center

So, Michael, did you win? Huh, huh, did you??

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