My Gas Grill

As autumn approaches, I think it’s worth spending a few moments reminiscing about what I learned this past summer regarding my new gas grill. For years I resisted purchasing a gas grill, believing that charcoal was the only true grilling experience. I was wrong. Yes, charcoal gives you that smoky taste and helpful carcinogens, but propane is also terrific and considerably easier. Not to mention the fun that can be had with highly pressurized gas. This summer was my first with the grill and so it was largely a season of trial and error. Here’s what I learned:

Some Foods I Like Grilled

Hamburgers
Hot Dogs
Steak
Salmon
Corn on the Cob

Some Foods I Don’t Like Grilled

Sushi
Cereal (with milk)
Ambrosia Salad
Wonton Soup
Other Soups

Another thing I learned – just because you grilled food doesn’t make it vegan. This knowledge forces me to radically reconsider my understanding of the word “vegan.” I was under the impression that it meant you can’t eat meat unless it’s been grilled because grilling is more humane. Apparently not. After creating what I thought was a fantastic vegan “Midnight Summer Solstice Madness Feast” of burgers and sausage for all my hippie vegan friends, I was incredibly embarrassed to learn otherwise. Naturally they thought the sandwiches were tofu. No. The upshot? If you’ve ever seen a bunch of really pissed off hippie vegans, you know exactly how funny that scene was. Very.

Also, don’t tease the dog by throwing her tennis ball onto a lit grill. The dog will not hesitate to fetch. 

 

                                 (My Gas Grill)

Hopefully This Doesn’t Come Across As Sexist, But Sarah Palin Can Suck My Dick

I’ll leave the point-by-point rebuttal of Sarah Palin’s convention speech to the policy wonks. The only point I am interested in making at the moment is that Sarah Palin can wrap her juicy moose-eating lips right around my dick and suck it raw. This is not a personal attack on her. Not at all. I am just pointing out that Sarah Palin can put best put her two years of gubernatorial experience to use by taking my turgid cock into her mouth until I shoot semen into her Great White North.

Sarah Palin is a reformer. And as a reformer, I suggest the first thing that she does when she gets to Washington is to get down on her knees and blow me. Why? Because that would represent real change in America.

She has shown such fortitude and resolve when dealing with the powerful special interests and media elites that deep-throating me should be no problem at all. This is a woman who can handle anything: she can drive all five kids to hockey practice, snowmobile over Mt. Everest, teach creationism to the PTA and still have time to skin a non-endangered polar bear. With all that on her plate, a little dick sucking should be a piece of cake.

And lest any of you think this post is sexist, it’s not. Because Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, and Fred Thompson can suck my dick, too. I don’t want John McCain to.

A Blatant Attempt to Juice My Ratings

Recently my book became a part of the Amazon Vine program. From what I understand, these are books given to their more prolific reviewers; then, said reviewers post their reviews on the site. Not surprisingly, many of these readers didn't care for my work. "Not funny," said one. "Not funny," said another. A third said, "Not funny." Even though my overall rating remains high, I would encourage anybody who did read my book to take a few minutes and give the book a good review here. Is this gaming the system? Hell yeah. That's how we stick it to The Man.

You would have my eternal gratitude, and as an added bonus, I'm also giving away a brand new Chevy Volt to the first hundred people who post glowing words of praise.

Thanks.

Your pal,
Michael Ian Black (very famous)

Giants!

This evening I watched a terrific television program called “The Science of Gigantism” on the National Geographic Channel. If ever there was a show tailor made for me, this was it. Why? Because I have a fetish for giants. For some inexplicable reason, I am just crazy about the tallest humans. I would rather look at a seven foot tall pituitary case than a really hot naked chick, even if that naked chick was of above average height! Yes, to pique my interest a man must be over seven feet tall, a woman over six and a half feet tall. In fact, the highlight of my recent stand-up tour was meeting the tallest collegiate basketball player in the country, Kenny George. Kenny came to our show and hung out afterwards to talk about of all, things, screenplays. Turns out the 7’ 7” George is a film geek. Could he have been any more charming? No. Could he have been any taller? YES!

                                              (Kenny George)

In fact the program I watched tonight began with the story of a fellow taller than Kenny, a 7’ 8” Ukrainian immigrant named, perfectly, Igor. Igor is twenty four years old and probably would have kept growing if doctors had not removed his pituitary gland. That’s what happened to the tallest man in recorded history, Robert Wadlow, who was over a foot taller than Igor. At his death, Wadlow was just under nine feet tall. To put that in perspective, that’s as tall as the Empire State Building!

Baby Bristol

The word “Bristol” seems to be popping up a lot on my blogs. First, I mentioned visiting Bristol, CT, then made a joke about the “Bristol music scene,” and just today we learn that Bristol Palin, seventeen year old daughter of GOP VP 2B Sarah Palin, is preggers and will “keep the baby and marry ‘the (as of yet unnamed) young man.’”

Apparently John McCain knew before making the announcement that the young lady was expecting, and rightfully decided that “in no way did [her daughter’s pregnancy] disqualify [Palin] from being vice president.” Good on ya’, John. A pregnant daughter should not disqualify her from serving, but it does raise the familiar questions around abstinence-only education, which Palin supports. If Palin can’t even get her own daughter to keep her treasure box under lock and key, how can she expect less enthusiastically Christian parents to prevent their own kids from getting some booty?

Answer: she can’t.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned since, say, the dawn of time, is that people are going to have sex, especially teenagers. Why? Because teenagers are the sexiest humans of all. Even kids who take abstinence pledges end up breaking them 80% of the time. Why? If you don’t know the answer to that question, then you were never a teenager.

What’s also troubling about this story is that now a seventeen year old girl is going to become a political football. What should be a private family decision is about to erupt into a national debate unheard since the days of Jamie Lynn Spears ten months ago. And so, of course, Bristol is going to do “the right thing,” keep the baby, and marry the guy. But how much of that is her decision, and how much the Republican party’s?

And what about the guy? This poor schmuck is about to have his entire life turned upside down because of his assault gun wielding future mother-in-law. I do not envy him.

Why are they making this announcement now? According to The Independent:

…to rebut what one aide called "mud-slinging and lies" circulating on liberal blog sites.

According to these rumors, Sarah Palin had faked a pregnancy and pretended to have given birth in May to her fifth child, a son named Trig who has Down syndrome. The rumor was that Trig was actually Bristol Palin's child and that Sarah Palin was the grandmother.

So they’re using Bristol’s actual pregnancy to discredit her rumored pregnancy. Hilarious? Yeah, hilarious.

(And of course a day when a major hurricane is about to hit New Orleans is a pretty good day to bury a story about your evangelical Christian running mate's pregnant teenage daughter.)

Net result of all this? I want to visit Alaska.