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September 04, 2008

Hopefully This Doesn’t Come Across As Sexist, But Sarah Palin Can Suck My Dick

Gov-Palin-2006_Official I’ll leave the point-by-point rebuttal of Sarah Palin’s convention speech to the policy wonks. The only point I am interested in making at the moment is that Sarah Palin can wrap her juicy moose-eating lips right around my dick and suck it raw. This is not a personal attack on her. Not at all. I am just pointing out that Sarah Palin can put best put her two years of gubernatorial experience to use by taking my turgid cock into her mouth until I shoot semen into her Great White North.

Sarah Palin is a reformer. And as a reformer, I suggest the first thing that she does when she gets to Washington is to get down on her knees and blow me. Why? Because that would represent real change in America.

She has shown such fortitude and resolve when dealing with the powerful special interests and media elites that deep-throating me should be no problem at all. This is a woman who can handle anything: she can drive all five kids to hockey practice, snowmobile over Mt. Everest, teach creationism to the PTA and still have time to skin a non-endangered polar bear. With all that on her plate, a little dick sucking should be a piece of cake.

And lest any of you think this post is sexist, it’s not. Because Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, and Fred Thompson can suck my dick, too. I don’t want John McCain to.

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Nerf

Err I meant Cindy Mac. I guess if Condi got involved they could make a reverse oreo sandwich of hot girl action... but I'd rather not watch that...

Nerf

Err I meant Cindy Mac. I guess if Condi got involved they could make a reverse oreo sandwich of hot girl action... but I'd rather not watch that...

Nerf

Err I meant Cindy Mac. I guess if Condi got involved they could make a reverse oreo sandwich of hot girl action... but I'd rather not watch that...

nit picker

"I am just pointing out that Sarah Palin can put best put her two years of gubernatorial experience to use"

Too many 'put's in there, my turgid-cocked friend.

Jimmy Joe

Mouseland (As told by Tommy Douglas in 1944)

(You can listed to Tommy tell this story in his own words in our Audio Files section )

It's the story of a place called Mouseland. Mouseland was a place where all the little mice lived and played, were born and died. And they lived much the same as you and I do.

They even had a Parliament. And every four years they had an election. Used to walk to the polls and cast their ballots. Some of them even got a ride to the polls. And got a ride for the next four years afterwards too. Just like you and me. And every time on election day all the little mice used to go to the ballot box and they used to elect a government. A government made up of big, fat, black cats.

Now if you think it strange that mice should elect a government made up of cats, you just look at the history of Canada for last 90 years and maybe you'll see that they weren't any stupider than we are.

Now I'm not saying anything against the cats. They were nice fellows. They conducted their government with dignity. They passed good laws--that is, laws that were good for cats. But the laws that were good for cats weren't very good for mice. One of the laws said that mouseholes had to be big enough so a cat could get his paw in. Another law said that mice could only travel at certain speeds--so that a cat could get his breakfast without too much effort.

All the laws were good laws. For cats. But, oh, they were hard on the mice. And life was getting harder and harder. And when the mice couldn't put up with it any more, they decided something had to be done about it. So they went en masse to the polls. They voted the black cats out. They put in the white cats.

Now the white cats had put up a terrific campaign. They said: "All that Mouseland needs is more vision." They said:"The trouble with Mouseland is those round mouseholes we got. If you put us in we'll establish square mouseholes." And they did. And the square mouseholes were twice as big as the round mouseholes, and now the cat could get both his paws in. And life was tougher than ever. And when they couldn't take that anymore, they voted the white cats out and put the black ones in again. Then they went back to the white cats. Then to the black cats. They even tried half black cats and half white cats. And they called that coalition. They even got one government made up of cats with spots on them: they were cats that tried to make a noise like a mouse but ate like a cat.

You see, my friends, the trouble wasn't with the colour of the cat. The trouble was that they were cats. And because they were cats, they naturally looked after cats instead of mice.

Presently there came along one little mouse who had an idea. My friends, watch out for the little fellow with an idea. And he said to the other mice, "Look fellows, why do we keep on electing a government made up of cats? Why don't we elect a government made up of mice?" "Oh," they said, "he's a Bolshevik. Lock him up!"

So they put him in jail.
But I want to remind you: that you can lock up a mouse or a man but you can't lock up an idea.

Bella

And then you could affectionately call her your "little anti-science, anti-choice, book burnin' mooseburger".

Felicia

"...that would represent real change in America"

chuh, right--what about that time that Cheney sucked your dick? Change, my ass. Which she can kiss.

AmbroseKalifornia

Like the fist of an angry god. Her daughter too.

Pru

'me again' blurted, "Not sexist, more like asshole. Have you been hanging out with Tucker Max?"

Awwwww... how many people have restraining orders against you right now, anyway, little one?

lildb

i've never been so happily offended in my life.

Selena

What about John McCain's mother? She's pretty hot.

Lollie

Is McCain's mother alive?

jarf

I actually think this post is racist rather than sexist. I have no real backing for this statement. Gimme a minute.

Zane

One could surmise that Sarah Palin decided to take you up on your offer, ala Tucker Max, and that you have been in a blissful state of wad-shot euphoria ever since. While I hope you did enjoy yourself, selfishly I would love to hear something new from you. Even a blow-by-blow description of the act would be acceptable, or rather preferred, as I am always seeking self-improvement techniques that I might be able to apply to future book-signings and such. Ahem.

Jaime

Hey me again, I feel you.

Jaime

blow-by-blow, there you go! That is what this post needs. But I think go the MadLib abstraction instructions route. Here is my proposed legend of phrases:

duckie=penis
snuggle=blow
nosies=shaft

i.e: Hold the duckie by its nosies and snuggle the hell out of it.

Perfect.

soph.

My dearest Michael,
Forget Palin you're way too good for her.
She doesn’t even deserve to be in the same room as your magnificent cock.

besides I know for a fact that I could give you way better head than she ever could.

Scarlet

The long dead southern belle in me just came out and fainted.

"Oh my (fan fan fan, flutter flutter), I think I've caught the va-pah's" (cue lady-like collapse with crossed ankles)

Deborah

Yeah the more I read your blog the less I seem to like you. And I have been reading your blog for a quite a while and never had a problem until recently. Again, your lack of class is disappointing.

Deborah

Yeah the more I read your blog the less I seem to like you. And I have been reading your blog for a quite a while and never had a problem until recently. Again, your lack of class is disappointing.

HannahMontana32

u r k001! lolz.

Melinda

sarah palin is a cunt rag. i appreciate you using your "celebrity/very famous" powers to speak out. i hope you'll continue to do so, because i'm afraid sarah palin has given the repooplicans the lead.

Tart

Amazing! I'm so bitter that I just now discovered this blog. Now, I'm going to have to spend the evening reading back posts.

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