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September 02, 2008

Giants!

This evening I watched a terrific television program called “The Science of Gigantism” on the National Geographic Channel. If ever there was a show tailor made for me, this was it. Why? Because I have a fetish for giants. For some inexplicable reason, I am just crazy about the tallest humans. I would rather look at a seven foot tall pituitary case than a really hot naked chick, even if that naked chick was of above average height! Yes, to pique my interest a man must be over seven feet tall, a woman over six and a half feet tall. In fact, the highlight of my recent stand-up tour was meeting the tallest collegiate basketball player in the country, Kenny George. Kenny came to our show and hung out afterwards to talk about of all, things, screenplays. Turns out the 7’ 7” George is a film geek. Could he have been any more charming? No. Could he have been any taller? YES!

09asheville.1.600                                              (Kenny George)

In fact the program I watched tonight began with the story of a fellow taller than Kenny, a 7’ 8” Ukrainian immigrant named, perfectly, Igor. Igor is twenty four years old and probably would have kept growing if doctors had not removed his pituitary gland. That’s what happened to the tallest man in recorded history, Robert Wadlow, who was over a foot taller than Igor. At his death, Wadlow was just under nine feet tall. To put that in perspective, that’s as tall as the Empire State Building!

Why am I so intrigued with the super-tall? I have no idea. I’m not interested in short people. Midgets, dwarves, jockeys. Ho-hum. But tall people get me all fired up. Why, I don’t know. After all, giants are just like the rest of us, only more so. It may have something to do with a fascination with consumption. For example, I am as fascinated by Kenny George’s shoes, which are size 25. How big is 25? Shaq’s shoes are size 22. In fact, when Kenny couldn’t find size 25 shoes, Shaq sent some of his old shoes to Kenny, who had them resized for his feet. It’s kind of weird to think that the only shoes he could find to fit him are used. 

Also, I am obsessed with people who eat tremendous amounts of food, like giants must. When that about Michael Phelps came out that he eats twelve thousand calories a day, I honestly had a little pre-cum. This may also explain my devotion to television programs about the super-morbidly obese. People who weigh 500, 600, 700  or more pounds. I love those shows. Yes, I understand it’s tragic and blah-de-blah, but I just want to know what they eat. And I’m not alone in this: TLC recently aired a show entitled “I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day.” If the Phelps thing made me pre-cum, that show gave me the full squirt. Holy shit these people eat a lot of food. You’d have to eat sixty one Big Macs a day to get that many calories. I wanted to ask Kenny George how much he ate every day when I met him, but I felt like that would have been rude. 

When you combine my love for the Big & Tall among us, you understand why somebody like Andre the Giant (7’ 4”, 500 lbs) is kind of my perfect man. Then when you factor in his performance in “The Princess Bride,” you realize there’s no “kind of” about it - Andre the Giant was God. It’s no wonder an entire cult has sprung up around him.

For anybody wondering, there is currently a dispute about who the tallest living man is. The officially recognized tallest man is a Chinese fellow by the name of Bao Xishun. He’s 7’ 9” which is very tall. However, there is another Ukrainian gentleman, Leonid Stadnyk, who is a full eight inches taller than him! Leonid is 8’ 5” tall, but is not recognized as the tallest man in the world because of a dispute about how his measurement was obtained.

Tallest2REX0908_468x745                        (Leonid Stadnyk)

I am a boring, boring man.


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Todd from australia

Boring and famous!

or famously boring...

or boringly famous!

No, just famous

Todd from australia

oh....FIRSTIES!

AND SECONDIES!

Nickie

Firsties? Really?

Wow, Michael, you're the kind of man who keeps TLC in business, aren't you? Being 5'4", I don't need to feel any shorter than I already do. It's enough that my best friend is 6-feet-tall (a girl; does that get you slightly hot?). But if nothing else, I learned a lot in this entry. :-P

Loved you on Chelsea Lately last night, by the way.

Nickie

Damnit, thirdies.

jarf

As a giant myself, I have decided to boycott this blog article (blogicle? artiblog? post?). All who are with me, form a line to the left. I have contacted Dunkin Donuts to see if they will host our picket line. Though I have not received any word from them yet, I remain hopeful.

Picket Line Update: I am sooooooo hungry.

cat

Igor ha ha

Ryalye

I'd be a giant if I were way taller. For now, all I have going for me is my being morbidly obese. I say morbidly because I'm dead. I'm not dead in the physical way, but more the mental way. I'm sure you've already figured that out.

Susanna

If "I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day" made you squirt, then you're definitely going to want to try and catch "627 lb Woman: Jackie's Story" on the Discovery Channel. Have a bucket handy.

Satur9

Damn, I thought I was doing well at 6'.

Daniel Dickey

I'm currently 9 feet tall...and that's only to my belly button.

Jaime

You are so delightfully strange Michael.

By the way, caught you on Chelsea Handler, and you were hilarious! "I'm not patting myself on the back, saying, 'oh I wrote the greatest book ever.' But guess what . . . I did." Ha! Priceless!!

Or that banana sound thing, holy lord, I was cracking up. And your nickname -- haha! And when you said a-hole. Damn, you are just so amazingly funny off the cuff. You know, anyone, given time and resources, can write funny material for themselves, but your timing and comedic instincts are just so sharp. It was impressive watching you go. I hope more people are smart enough to have you on their show. We thought Chelsea was a horrible interviewer, but your natural awesomeness shined through, making the whole thing hilarious. Thank you!

Camille

I'm glad I'm not alone in my fascination with the TLC shows. I'm waiting for them to come out on DVD.
I fell asleep during the first Chelsea show:/ Why couldn't they show yours first??? (Chelsea loves the lil' people so you two are,like, opposite)

Jim

Um...I'm thinking I could send a tape measure over if there's some dispute here. But hey, I'm scientist and may be prone to error.

AmbroseKalifornia

Wow. That "Phelps made me pre-cum" line made me pre-vomit a little in my mouth.

Or was it pre-milk out my nose?

Reen

So funny, you quirky man. I thought your fetish was body builders. So you have more than one fetish. Is that allowed?

I saw the Bulls play once and prior to going to our seats we stepped in the imprints of their shoes and placed our hands in their handprints. I never felt so dainty in my life. Those men are as close to giants as I've ever seen. And the first thing I think of...is...? Ladies?
I KNOW! I'm SO SURE! YIKES! ::running for the hills::

Luke

I met Kenny @ that show back in April in Asheville.

He seemed like a kick ass guy.

Too bad you spent the entire night assraping yourself with pretzel sticks.

jane

life's short...
i'm not.

robin

i knew a great guy who was 7'3". everywhere he went people would make rude comments or at the very least stare w/ mouths agape. he never once lost his cool. i sooooo admired him. he used to tell people who asked that he was 5foot 27...then watch them count on their fingers. he moved to ireland. hi, hal, in ireland!

Felicia

I was OBSESSED with everything Guiness back in elementary school...Robert Wadlow was THE guy. I just got to see his shoe at Ripley's in Niagara. Who needs the falls?!

And WHOTHEHELL keeps feeding those obese people?!

Jenny

Oh, I love watching these too! But sometimes I hate (yet am fascinated by) some of the programs titles. For example: "The Boy with a Tumor For a Face." Saw it in London. Broke my heart. From laughing so hard at the title.*

*i kid. it was incredibly tragic.

p.s. i'm very sorry to inform you that i have left the amazingly small town of Big Cabin, OK and am now a resident of Oakland, CA. So I will need really advance notice of when you plan to visit Big Cabin so they can dust off the moth-eaten red carpet in time for your future arrival.

me again

I love how TLC pretends it's educational, but it's really just a modern day freakshow. I also like shows about those creepy religious people with a million kids and the ones about conjoined twins. Fetus en fetu anybody??

Bella

Can you imagine if there was a really creepy religious family with a million kids, and one was a giant, one was a dwarf, two were conjoined, and one was morbidly obese? They would be the most popular family in the world and big-time television stars. The rest of the kids could have things like lisps, limps, Terrets Syndrome, hirsutism, and shingles, to name a few.

Karol

I guess that's why you married your giant wife

Joel Yeomans

I also watched that documentary on National Geographic. We should be friends.

Erik

Ah - your fascination with the rotund explains that sultry smile you gave me at the Baltimore book fest while my friend was scrambling to pick up the pieces of the other lady's camera she threw to the ground. Accidentally, of course. But it's just electronics, right? It'll be fine.

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