This evening I watched a terrific television program called “The Science of Gigantism” on the National Geographic Channel. If ever there was a show tailor made for me, this was it. Why? Because I have a fetish for giants. For some inexplicable reason, I am just crazy about the tallest humans. I would rather look at a seven foot tall pituitary case than a really hot naked chick, even if that naked chick was of above average height! Yes, to pique my interest a man must be over seven feet tall, a woman over six and a half feet tall. In fact, the highlight of my recent stand-up tour was meeting the tallest collegiate basketball player in the country, Kenny George. Kenny came to our show and hung out afterwards to talk about of all, things, screenplays. Turns out the 7’ 7” George is a film geek. Could he have been any more charming? No. Could he have been any taller? YES!
In fact the program I watched tonight began with the story of a fellow taller than Kenny, a 7’ 8” Ukrainian immigrant named, perfectly, Igor. Igor is twenty four years old and probably would have kept growing if doctors had not removed his pituitary gland. That’s what happened to the tallest man in recorded history, Robert Wadlow, who was over a foot taller than Igor. At his death, Wadlow was just under nine feet tall. To put that in perspective, that’s as tall as the Empire State Building!
Why am I so intrigued with the super-tall? I have no idea. I’m not interested in short people. Midgets, dwarves, jockeys. Ho-hum. But tall people get me all fired up. Why, I don’t know. After all, giants are just like the rest of us, only more so. It may have something to do with a fascination with consumption. For example, I am as fascinated by Kenny George’s shoes, which are size 25. How big is 25? Shaq’s shoes are size 22. In fact, when Kenny couldn’t find size 25 shoes, Shaq sent some of his old shoes to Kenny, who had them resized for his feet. It’s kind of weird to think that the only shoes he could find to fit him are used.
Also, I am obsessed with people who eat tremendous amounts of food, like giants must. When that about Michael Phelps came out that he eats twelve thousand calories a day, I honestly had a little pre-cum. This may also explain my devotion to television programs about the super-morbidly obese. People who weigh 500, 600, 700 or more pounds. I love those shows. Yes, I understand it’s tragic and blah-de-blah, but I just want to know what they eat. And I’m not alone in this: TLC recently aired a show entitled “I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day.” If the Phelps thing made me pre-cum, that show gave me the full squirt. Holy shit these people eat a lot of food. You’d have to eat sixty one Big Macs a day to get that many calories. I wanted to ask Kenny George how much he ate every day when I met him, but I felt like that would have been rude.
When you combine my love for the Big & Tall among us, you understand why somebody like Andre the Giant (7’ 4”, 500 lbs) is kind of my perfect man. Then when you factor in his performance in “The Princess Bride,” you realize there’s no “kind of” about it - Andre the Giant was God. It’s no wonder an entire cult has sprung up around him.
For anybody wondering, there is currently a dispute about who the tallest living man is. The officially recognized tallest man is a Chinese fellow by the name of Bao Xishun. He’s 7’ 9” which is very tall. However, there is another Ukrainian gentleman, Leonid Stadnyk, who is a full eight inches taller than him! Leonid is 8’ 5” tall, but is not recognized as the tallest man in the world because of a dispute about how his measurement was obtained.
I am a boring, boring man.