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September 22, 2008

Fruit Smackdown

Peach vs. Nectarine

Nectarine wins this because, like a peach, it is juicy and delicious, but unlike a peach it does not have annoying fuzz.

Nectarine vs. Plum

Nectarine wins again. Plums are too small and are, at times, surprisingly tart. Nobody wants tart when they are expecting sweet. Good try, plum.

Nectarine vs. Bite-Sized Pineapple Chunks

This one could go the distance. In the end, though, bite-sized pineapple chunks outduels nectarine due to its bite-sized portions and perfect combination of Polynesian flavors. You had a nice run, nectarine.

Bite-Sized Pineapple Chunks vs. Dried Mango Strips

Two exotic fruits go head to head but only can emerge the winner. The interesting thing about this match-up is that one is a juicy fruit, the other dehydrated. It’s a little like the Ultimate Fighting Championship before there were weight classes and you would sometimes see a tiny Brazilian guy battling a Sumo wrestler. I’ve already extolled the virtues of bite-sized pineapple chunks, so let’s talk about dried mango strips. They are natural fruit roll-ups: portable, tasty, and provide a satisfying chewing experience. On the downside, they only really taste good when sprinkled with a little bit of sugar. Winner: bite-sized pineapple chunks

Bite-Sized Pineapple Chunks vs. Organic Strawberries With Optional Fresh Whipped Cream

I know that I just eliminated dried mango strips because of the addition of sugar and therefore it might at first appear unfair to grant optional fresh whipped cream to strawberries, but here’s the difference: sugar on mangoes is adding sweetness to a fruit that should, by definition, be sweet. Optional fresh whipped cream adds an entirely different taste and texture to a fruit that can stand on its own. The reason they are specifically “organic” strawberries? Because agribusiness conglomerates hire workers who pee on the strawberries and organic farmers do not. What am I basing this baseless accusation on? Nothing – that’s why it’s a baseless accusation. Bite-sized pineapple chunks are delicious, no doubt, but when faced with the dessert of choice at Wimbledon, there really is no choice: organic strawberries with optional fresh whipped cream wins.

Organic Strawberries With Optional Fresh Whipped Cream vs. Bananas That Are Just Under Ripe

Purists will surely argue that bananas that are not quite ripe, by definition, are not ready for eating. I disagree. To me, the perfect banana is one whose green color is still barely visible, providing the fruit with a slight tanginess lost within a day or so. Organic strawberries with optional fresh whipped cream are a terrific once-in-a-while kind of treat, but for satisfying day-to-day nourishment they don’t beat bananas that are just under ripe.

Bananas That Are Just Under Ripe vs. One Perfect Clementine on Christmas Day

As a Jew, perhaps the Christmas element shouldn’t sway my decision on this one way or the other, but it is hard to deny the elemental pleasures associated with a taste of citrus on a bright cold morning, particularly when celebrating the birth of the greatest Jew who ever lived (after Moses and Sandy Koufax). On the other hand, bananas that are just under ripe, as I’ve already said, are good every day of the year. Banana.

Bananas That Are Just Under Ripe vs. Guava

Guavas are stupid. No contest.

Bananas That Are Just Under Ripe vs. Slice of Gala Apple Dipped in Caramel

This might be a little unfair because anything dipped in caramel is better than anything not dipped in caramel. To make this contest truly fair, I would also dip my banana in caramel (no sexual euphemism intended), but this is not designed to be a fair contest; just as real smackdowns sometimes involve brass knuckles, so this smackdown sometimes involves caramel.

Slice of Gala Apple Dipped in Caramel vs. Refrigerated Seedless Grapes Being Fed to Me Roman Style While I am Getting Jerked Off By A Sex Cyborg

Game over.


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Emma is completely wrong about kumquats. I had a kumquat tree in Florida. For seven years, we had tons of kumquats. For six of those years, we let the damn things rot to the ground. But one year I decided to be industrious and make kumquat jam...only to discover there is virtually NO fruit inside the kumquat. It's all peel. Do you know how many kumquats I needed to make the jam? Like, a ton, that's how many. Then I had to add every spice known to man and it became a kind of marmalade. I'm sure relatives still have a jar or two in their pantry, ten years later


I think your fruit should set an example for the world by learning to live in harmony. Besides, any snack is better with a sex cyborg.


That last battle made me hard.

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Eating whole fruits is better than drinking fruit juice because the only differenc between a fruit and it's juice is that juice has no fiber. So fruits have healthy fiber as well as vitamins and minerals (and sugar)

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