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September 22, 2008

Fruit Smackdown

Peach vs. Nectarine

Nectarine wins this because, like a peach, it is juicy and delicious, but unlike a peach it does not have annoying fuzz.

Nectarine vs. Plum

Nectarine wins again. Plums are too small and are, at times, surprisingly tart. Nobody wants tart when they are expecting sweet. Good try, plum.

Nectarine vs. Bite-Sized Pineapple Chunks

This one could go the distance. In the end, though, bite-sized pineapple chunks outduels nectarine due to its bite-sized portions and perfect combination of Polynesian flavors. You had a nice run, nectarine.

Bite-Sized Pineapple Chunks vs. Dried Mango Strips

Two exotic fruits go head to head but only can emerge the winner. The interesting thing about this match-up is that one is a juicy fruit, the other dehydrated. It’s a little like the Ultimate Fighting Championship before there were weight classes and you would sometimes see a tiny Brazilian guy battling a Sumo wrestler. I’ve already extolled the virtues of bite-sized pineapple chunks, so let’s talk about dried mango strips. They are natural fruit roll-ups: portable, tasty, and provide a satisfying chewing experience. On the downside, they only really taste good when sprinkled with a little bit of sugar. Winner: bite-sized pineapple chunks

Bite-Sized Pineapple Chunks vs. Organic Strawberries With Optional Fresh Whipped Cream

I know that I just eliminated dried mango strips because of the addition of sugar and therefore it might at first appear unfair to grant optional fresh whipped cream to strawberries, but here’s the difference: sugar on mangoes is adding sweetness to a fruit that should, by definition, be sweet. Optional fresh whipped cream adds an entirely different taste and texture to a fruit that can stand on its own. The reason they are specifically “organic” strawberries? Because agribusiness conglomerates hire workers who pee on the strawberries and organic farmers do not. What am I basing this baseless accusation on? Nothing – that’s why it’s a baseless accusation. Bite-sized pineapple chunks are delicious, no doubt, but when faced with the dessert of choice at Wimbledon, there really is no choice: organic strawberries with optional fresh whipped cream wins.

Organic Strawberries With Optional Fresh Whipped Cream vs. Bananas That Are Just Under Ripe

Purists will surely argue that bananas that are not quite ripe, by definition, are not ready for eating. I disagree. To me, the perfect banana is one whose green color is still barely visible, providing the fruit with a slight tanginess lost within a day or so. Organic strawberries with optional fresh whipped cream are a terrific once-in-a-while kind of treat, but for satisfying day-to-day nourishment they don’t beat bananas that are just under ripe.

Bananas That Are Just Under Ripe vs. One Perfect Clementine on Christmas Day

As a Jew, perhaps the Christmas element shouldn’t sway my decision on this one way or the other, but it is hard to deny the elemental pleasures associated with a taste of citrus on a bright cold morning, particularly when celebrating the birth of the greatest Jew who ever lived (after Moses and Sandy Koufax). On the other hand, bananas that are just under ripe, as I’ve already said, are good every day of the year. Banana.

Bananas That Are Just Under Ripe vs. Guava

Guavas are stupid. No contest.

Bananas That Are Just Under Ripe vs. Slice of Gala Apple Dipped in Caramel

This might be a little unfair because anything dipped in caramel is better than anything not dipped in caramel. To make this contest truly fair, I would also dip my banana in caramel (no sexual euphemism intended), but this is not designed to be a fair contest; just as real smackdowns sometimes involve brass knuckles, so this smackdown sometimes involves caramel.

Slice of Gala Apple Dipped in Caramel vs. Refrigerated Seedless Grapes Being Fed to Me Roman Style While I am Getting Jerked Off By A Sex Cyborg

Game over.


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You couldn't be more right about the banana thing. Just under ripe is the only way to go.


While I think Nectarines can hold their own against most fruits I don't think in a head-to-head matchup with Plums the outcome is so clear cut. I would consider Nectarines slightly better than plums only because plums can be very messy. However, if the match up was Nectarines VS Plums with a moist-towelette well then I am not so sure the Nectarine is the victor.


"dip my banana in caramel (no sexual euphemism intended"- B.S.

Spending the weekend cleaning up overflowing toilet and tending to child covered in poison ivy vs. pondering what tasty fruit reigns supreme: no competition. You,sir, are the clear winner!


This was really funny!

But what about Pears? Apricots? Kiwi?<-- I thought for SURE a pair of them would fight the banana (no sexual euphenism intended).

Thanks for the hearty laugh, but now I'm really hungry. Off I go to get some fruit that was (hopefully) peed on!

Aria W

The last argument literally made my life better. Thank you. Game over.

Lou D

Where can I get one of those sex cyborgs? I already have the grapes.


You lost me at under ripe bananas but redeemed yourself with the gala apple. The sex cyborg would have to have a decent rack to get the ultimate win for me, but I'm guessing you could screw new ones on anyway.

Larry Leonardo

Michael Ian Black VS. Watermelon

The winner is Michael Ian Black is a NIGGER

Joel Yeomans

Fuck guavas.


Very funny read, particularly since I had my own personal fruit smackdown this morning while hurriedly packing the kids' school lunches. Delectability was less a factor today, still-edible was what made the final cut.
For the record: large plum, Cutie tangerine, banana and Gala apple, most likely all of which will make it back home in favor of Sun Chips and Gogurts. :(
A sloppy, juicy, ripe mango would be my ultimate feed. And if the cyborg did the cutting of the mango (always so messy) and clean-up in the kitchen, I could forgo the sex part, just this once.
Thanks for the clever blog.


Bite-Sized Pineapple Chunks vs. Dried Mango Strips.

I'm going to have to agree with everything you said above about Pineapple Chunks and good call on referencing Royce Gracie (winner of UFC 1, 2, and 4). However, I'm a fan of unsulfured, unsweetened, flattened, dried mango strips and while you are right about their chewiness, you come up short on the sweetness factor. How do I know this? Because you sir, have been leaning towards Fascism for a while now, and as a Communist I am able to detect these things and bring them to light.

Leave the sugar adding for non-fruit things like Cheerios or some other non-marshmellow-chocolatety-peanut butter-cinnamon-honey-fruity-"appley"-esque cereal. Personally, I like to add sugar to Pixy Stix. Powdered dextrose isn't enough for me when I need my fix.

My winner: Dried Mango Strips, Round 1, in 1:44, by submission (Rear Naked Choke) and champion of Ultimate Fruit Smackdown 1.


So sweet of you to link Dereks fantastic article to your very updated press section.

So come on out sometime and talk to the NIU students and staff! We may not have Romans, but we do have Greeks.

And grapes.

chris flannery

Bananas have to ripen in a certain way.
And when they are flecked with brown
and have a golden hue,
Bananas taste the best, and are the best for you.


Booberry Cereal trumps all because clearly booberries are very rare and yet so delicious.


Is that a just under ripe banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see that sex cyborg? Probably both.


On your cd you bemoan the perception people have that you're gay. This column on fruit (and column of fruit)certainly reinforces that asshumption.


Good call on the nanners. Kumquats beat all of the above however, even the jerk off cyborg. I can't freaking find kumquats for sale anywhere but jerk off cyborgs are a dime a dozen at Safeway. *sigh*


"You sir, have been leaning towards Fascism for a while now, and as a Communist I am able to detect these things and bring them to light."

Sean is now my friend.

Just-under-ripe banana FTW. Fruit needs no additives.


This is off-topic,but lookee at what I found at the store today! Aren't those your favorite flavor?

Doesn't that "back by popular demand" font look like something scratched onto a cellar wall by some kidnapped,tortured Doritos executive?hehehehe....

Stacey E

You wanna be "jerked" with a metal hand? You sir, are a freak.


conmpletely exactly true about the slightly green bananas. in fact, there are about 6 on my counter right now.

and also, i have honestly written a blog about apples and my problems with them. and it all started because of the Gala. And this, sir, is where we differ. Gala apples can go to hell. respectfully.



sometimes i brush my teeth. but then there are days where I'm like, "why do i need this?"

I can go the distance, months, without underwear.


This reminds me of the 2000 year old man, when Mel Brooks is talking about nectarines aiding in his health and old age. "I'll take a rotten nectarine over a good plumb!"


What would happen if MIB battled a fruit? Would he really have the conscience to fight one of his own?

This has been your Reptar Daily Hate.


(Reptar, I KNOW you are not STILL pissy because Michael hasn't constructed a Haiku for you!)

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