Clothing Optional Resorts

When I was writing about the beach yesterday I started thinking about clothing optional resorts. As somebody who is kind of a perv, I obviously like this idea, but the more I look at pictures from these places, the more I realize "clothing optional" is just a euphemism for "unattractive required." What is about walking around with with your flapjacks flapping that appeals to the out-of-shape set? Nudists always say their particular proclivity isn't about sex, but I think that's bullshit. What else could it be about? After all, playing naked volleyball is the same as playing uncomfortable volleyball; it's not the kind of thing you'd do unless you really wanted to see some seriously jiggly ballsacks.

Even if I didn't play any sports, I don't see how I could enjoy such a place. For one thing, I never want to place my naked buttocks upon any piece of wicker furniture where I know another set of buttocks has just been. Also, I simply don't see how I could use the dining facilities unless every person there were fully shaved (although going hungry is clearly not a problem for most nudists).

            (Nudists enjoying a little din-din in the raw.)

Some activities would be okay: swimming, for example. Skinny dipping is a time-honored tradition that is fun precisely because when you are skinny-dipping, your naughty parts are partially obscured by the water. The water feels good and if you play it right, you can give yourself an enema. By extension, naked snorkeling would also be fun although I don't know if wearing swim flippers would be a rules violation. If not, why would flippers which help you swim be within the rules, but sneakers which help you run would not?

What happens if you want to play basketball? That asphalt can get pretty hot. Don't you need sneakers to protect your feet? And if you're wearing sneakers, don't you need socks to protect yourself from blisters? If so, do you really want to be the guy wearing sneakers and socks, but nothing else? Because, trust me, that just looks stupid. Or what if you are highly allergic to poison ivy like I am? Or what if you wake up and decide to wear a phony zebra tail one day? Are phony zebra tails allowed?

Now I know that a lot of nudists who read this will say, "That's why it's called 'clothing optional!'" But I also know that when you go to these places there's a lot of peer pressure to take off your duds. From the moment you arrive, they're always like, "Wouldn't you be more comfortable if you took off your Ali Baba costume?" Try saying no and see what happens.

As I consider my end-of-summer vacation plans, I have pretty much ruled out clothing optional resorts. On the other hand, I do want to spend some quality naked time with strangers. The solution? Swingers clubs.

Comments

[Zane]

Reptar, I'm not asian but I can squint. I've got 50 bucks and a long weekend to kill....

[Reptar]

Fair enough. My name now links to MySpace. God help me.

No worries, Travis. This is just what I call "work." Which usually involves not actually working, and instead reading Michael Ian Black's take on clothing optional resorts and swapping nude pictures with the other people who read this blog.

I hope Michael Ian Black reads your comment and feels just a little bit better about himself on the inside. Like a Hostess cupcake for the soul. But just one of them. Not the pack of two, just one of the individually-wrapped, "not for resale" ones that you pick up for 79 cents at the display rack next to the beef jerky at the WaWa.

[Carlos]

The solution? Why not just a wear a t-shirt. While we are at it, why not wear that t-shirt I gave you while signing my book at the barnes & noble in tribeca (I was trying to avoid the "remember me?", but do you??!). Oh, and just to clarify, when I said "thanks for being the only one with balls and state your opinion about motor scooters", I was quoting the "campaign" episode of the funniest show ever, Stella. Not sure if you got that at the moment. Anyway, the one I gave you is the one with the balloons. Hope you like it! I won't be offended if you decide to do some soft porn scenes wearing it. Thanks Michael!
To whomever wants to know what the hell I'm talking about: http://www.maqistudio.com

[Reen the psychic]

Oh yeah we swap nudie pics around here. We found each other on Michaels myspace page. His nudie banner drew us all in like a perverted, magnetic, mothership.

Ok, Reptar. I am requesting an internet (fake) friendship, as promised.

And PHEW! All this was just in the nick of time. Did you notice how doggone annoyed Travis was getting? Pretty doggone annoyed I'll tell ya right now.

Sorry to monopolize, "Travis".

[Camille]

oh,I done missed the party! If there is one thing us old bats like to do is lure young men onto myspace and annoy as many people as possible. Tell your friends!!!

[Lollie]

It doesn't matter what Travis thinks or what he feels because he spelled weird wrong.

[Jaime]

Sorry Trav! When we see a blog we like, we's go's after it! That's the Vebloggeraptor in us -- small but vicious.
(Or is it Vebloggereptar? :) No, now that's just incomprehensible. Vebloggeraptor. That's so much more easily understood :p )

Dirty MySpace, tee hee. I love it.

[Felicia]

The showin' of the goods seems to be the draw...the nudist boaters would get out of their boats, wade into the bathwater that is Tampa Bay, and proceed to play some version of volleyball in water only up to their calves. Olympians pretty much submerge themselves in most water-based sports, and they actually have bodies worth looking at.

Camille--I actually DIG 70s porn music. That should be a K-Tel compilation CD.

[Camille]

A cd,eh? I can only imagine the 30minute infomercial for it! Wait,no I can't because I've never seen a porno. No sir,I've never dug through someone's secret stash while babysitting and sat gawking at some mustachioed fellow in a football uniform with the fly conveniently open,chasing a cheerleader. :::gulp::::

[Stacey E]

I think it's best not to linger on the knowledge that there's a bunch of pubic hair near where your food is being served. I've yet to meet an attractive individual who is "into" nuding. Most of those people really should be putting on more clothes.

[Turn me on]

...that is.

[Deep Nagda]

You really know nothing about nudism/naturism. And what you really want is sex, since you want to go to swingers' clubs. Have fun - you would be totally disappointed at a naturist resort/club, since nude = sex is an equation that does not apply there. One goes nude for the ineffable feeling of freedom and closeness to nature that one gets. Trying to explain it to you would be as futile as trying to explain red to a blind person. BTW etiquette demands that you sit on your own towel, not bottom on furniture. Foorware is not precluded. And the motto is, nude when possible, clothed when practical. Don't go around frying stuff in the nude! I'm sorry to see you've written a flippant careless piece of prose without any research. Pathetic!

[newport driving schools]

There's not dressing at all.

[arizona bankruptcy]

Okay, I guess I get that some want to run around a beach naked. To each his own. But eating at a dinner table with nothing on? That's stretches normalcy just a tad. Put some clothes on if you are doing some activities like eating or maybe visiting the dentist ;-).

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[wholesale hama]

Oh! what a weird ideas on your mind?your naked Going somewhere with some strangers! this is funny? i never heard that before.. but anyways i enjoy reading it. it amaze me. thanks for sharing!

-altheya-

[wholesale house of dereon]

Oh what a hot idea is this! I like to go there. thanks for sharing this stuff. If I go there I'm so sure I wear a sexy little hot dress.

-mikee-

[Boracay Beach Resort]

Though I am game for anything, I'll probably skip this one this one time because I can't eat with minimal clothes on.

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[Stock Pots]

Lol, I don't have the guts on going out or eating out naked. It's gonna be very disturbing. I'm not a nudist, I'd love to try, but now.

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I'm sure its nice but even if are were a nudist, I wouldn't want to eat with naked people around me.

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[House of Gryphon]

I could not agree more about using the dining facilities. Gross. I just lost my appetite simply thinking about a bunch of hairy patrons.

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