I can't thank all of you enough. In less than three days, you donated over seven hundred dollars so an Alabama kindergarten teacher can have some much-needed school supplies. This is great on so many levels. First of all, you did a good thing. We Jews call that a mitzvah, and it's the easiest way to buy your way into heaven. So you're all going to heaven. Which is great. Because in heaven, they always have watermelon Jolly Ranchers.
Second, I am told that there are going to be personal notes of thanks from the kids, which should be cute. And if there's one thing I like more than unicorns, it's cute cards from kids. (And, obviously, butt sex.)
Third, this gives me one more reason to feel like my fans are morally superior to Tucker Max's fans.
And most importantly, I'm especially grateful because the fact that you guys donated so much means that I don't have to go out of pocket to make up for what you cheap bastards were unwilling to give. I don't know if you have any idea what Vh1 is paying these days, but trust me when I say, I'm buying my Cristal on sale.
Thanks again, you guys. In addition to being the sexiest blog readers on the web, you're also the most generous, and I know that there is a classroom filled with kids in Alabama that agrees. (I don't mean to say that they agree with me about the part where I said that you're the sexiest blog readers on the web because that would be creepy.)
This is a message I just got from Caramel Delite (AKA Nikita):
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I APPRECIATE ALL YOUR HELP AND
SUPPORT. I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A
WELL ORGANIZED YEAR THANKS TO YOU AND ALL WHO DONATED. TELL EVERYONE
ELSE THANK YOU AS WELL. EVERYONES OFFICIAL THANK YOUs FROM ME AND MY
STUDENTS WILL BE COMING SOON, ONCE THEY RECEIVE THE FINAL DONOR CHECK
AND WE GET THE ORGANIZER. ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU SO MUCH.
GOD BLESS AND I WISH YOU MUCH CONTINUED SUCCESS WITH YOUR CAREER. YOU ARE AWESOME!!!