My Daughter’s First Day of School

The school year started in my little town today, and we sent our daughter off to her first day of kindergarten. She did not want to go. When I asked her why she told me that she was scared.

“You should be scared,” said. “Did you know that one out of three children reports being bullied in school?”

She wasn’t sure what “bullying” meant, so I called her a faggot and pushed her down the stairs. “That’s bullying,” I said.

(For the record, I didn’t push her down all the stairs. Just the top stairs that lead to a landing. She probably fell down, at most, five stairs.)

I also tried to explain to her the pressure her mother and I are going to start applying so that she can get into a good college on academic scholarship. Although she doesn’t have a firm grasp of money yet, she definitely understands that Daddy’s career is in the shitter because that’s what we talk about every night at bedtime. “Daddy’s career is in the shitter,” I say, as I plant a kiss on her forehead. “Good night.”

She also knows that Daddy and Mommy fight a lot about the cost of groceries and about Mommy’s refusal to use coupons, even when Daddy gives her a whole basket full of them for her birthday.

“Stop fighting,” my kids say.

“Get cheaper,” I respond, even though we all know it’s hard for children to get cheaper. The point isn’t that they should actually cost less as people, but more that they should understand that they are the cause of our financial problems.

My son may not be bright enough to get into college anyway, so an academic scholarship isn’t as important for him, but my daughter has shown great promise. I’ve given her two options for college: either win an academic scholarship or get impregnated by a rich kid in high school, marry him, and have his family cover the cost. Obviously another option would be for her to take out student loans, but I would rather she was burdened with a child than by debt. A child at least says “I love you.” A student loan officer never does.

My daughter was also concerned about making new friends. That is an understandable fear, so I explained to her that people with her type of personality just have to work a little harder for people to like them. I suggested that we make a big batch of peanut butter bars to bring to all the kids. She thought that was a great idea, so yesterday we spent the afternoon in the kitchen making our treat and dancing along to the greatest hits from the 80’s, 90’s, and today. This morning I put the bars in her backpack and told her to give them to every kid she sees. “You’ll make friends in no time.”

I was very surprised to receive an irate call from the school later in the morning. Apparently one of the kids she gave a peanut butter bar to has a severe nut allergy and went into anaphylactic shock. Why they were blaming me for another kid’s peanut allergy is beyond me. All he had to say was, “No thank you” when offered the same gooey chocolate treat that everybody else was enjoying so much.

The hospital is keeping the little boy overnight for observation, but I’m told he should be fine and that I should expect a call from the family’s attorney. When I do, I will tell that attorney to suck on my own nut bar.

When the school bus finally pulled up to our driveway this morning, I definitely found myself choking back some tears. After all, your child’s first day of school is their first day of true independence. Soon, she will be a middle schooler, high schooler, and then she’ll be off to some community college somewhere with a couple babies of her own in tow. They grow up so fast, it’s true, but then again, not fast enough. I can’t wait for them to be out of the house.

Comments

[Lou D]

Zane is mean.

[thelizardqueen]

Dear Zane,
There's no need to feel guilty, I realize that professing my sexual desires for MIB publicity would raise some eyebrows. Maybe that is precisely why I did it? I can't say, I don't like to analyze my actions too intensely. I just kind of do, without much regret afterwards. So while I apologize if I made anyone feel uncomfortable about picturing Michael with his wife and some strange minor in bed, I really feel no remorse for letting everyone know how I felt at that moment of that very day. Thank you.

[Nickie]

Damnit, I want one of those peanut butter bars. This entry was so wrong that it was hysterical. But that's why we love you, isn't it?

All joking aside, I hope your little girl's first day of school was a good one. I still remember my first day after all these years...and I hope hers was better. :-P

[Reen]

Michael Michael!! How about Baracks speech?!!! What a night.

Did you cry? I did. You know...those emotion filled tears of joy that just keep falling.

[Ryan R]

Isn't it about time she got a job? There ain't nothin in school that you can teach a kid that a factory job won't. You should take all her money just like that kid from Home Alone's parents did.

[robin]

ah, yes. first day of kindergarten. mine happened to fall on my 5th birthday. imagine my surprise when i arrived home afterwards to find out i had to go back again the next day. and the next. for 13 YEARS! "but you said i had to go to school on my birthday. that was yesterday! and i went. i'm done!"

didn't fly w/ my mom. humph.

[Erin]

What happens when you have to explain date rape?

[cobra comanda]

ha. i wonder if ur daughter will make the guy put it in her butt, then just get fat and say she's pregnant when the time comes. that would be mean, but it could work. maybe if theyre drunk it'll work.

[C-Nug]

I like FUNK Rock.

[C-Nug]

Totally put that on the wrong entry. Damn forward button. Damn no delete buttons. Damn Tucker Max. His name is dyslexic for crying out loud!

[ugg outlet]

Thank you for all the useful websites and for encouraging people to research the candidates and get out and vote.