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August 27, 2008

My Daughter’s First Day of School

The school year started in my little town today, and we sent our daughter off to her first day of kindergarten. She did not want to go. When I asked her why she told me that she was scared.

“You should be scared,” said. “Did you know that one out of three children reports being bullied in school?”

She wasn’t sure what “bullying” meant, so I called her a faggot and pushed her down the stairs. “That’s bullying,” I said.

(For the record, I didn’t push her down all the stairs. Just the top stairs that lead to a landing. She probably fell down, at most, five stairs.)

I also tried to explain to her the pressure her mother and I are going to start applying so that she can get into a good college on academic scholarship. Although she doesn’t have a firm grasp of money yet, she definitely understands that Daddy’s career is in the shitter because that’s what we talk about every night at bedtime. “Daddy’s career is in the shitter,” I say, as I plant a kiss on her forehead. “Good night.”

She also knows that Daddy and Mommy fight a lot about the cost of groceries and about Mommy’s refusal to use coupons, even when Daddy gives her a whole basket full of them for her birthday.

“Stop fighting,” my kids say.

“Get cheaper,” I respond, even though we all know it’s hard for children to get cheaper. The point isn’t that they should actually cost less as people, but more that they should understand that they are the cause of our financial problems.

My son may not be bright enough to get into college anyway, so an academic scholarship isn’t as important for him, but my daughter has shown great promise. I’ve given her two options for college: either win an academic scholarship or get impregnated by a rich kid in high school, marry him, and have his family cover the cost. Obviously another option would be for her to take out student loans, but I would rather she was burdened with a child than by debt. A child at least says “I love you.” A student loan officer never does.

My daughter was also concerned about making new friends. That is an understandable fear, so I explained to her that people with her type of personality just have to work a little harder for people to like them. I suggested that we make a big batch of peanut butter bars to bring to all the kids. She thought that was a great idea, so yesterday we spent the afternoon in the kitchen making our treat and dancing along to the greatest hits from the 80’s, 90’s, and today. This morning I put the bars in her backpack and told her to give them to every kid she sees. “You’ll make friends in no time.”

I was very surprised to receive an irate call from the school later in the morning. Apparently one of the kids she gave a peanut butter bar to has a severe nut allergy and went into anaphylactic shock. Why they were blaming me for another kid’s peanut allergy is beyond me. All he had to say was, “No thank you” when offered the same gooey chocolate treat that everybody else was enjoying so much.

The hospital is keeping the little boy overnight for observation, but I’m told he should be fine and that I should expect a call from the family’s attorney. When I do, I will tell that attorney to suck on my own nut bar.

When the school bus finally pulled up to our driveway this morning, I definitely found myself choking back some tears. After all, your child’s first day of school is their first day of true independence. Soon, she will be a middle schooler, high schooler, and then she’ll be off to some community college somewhere with a couple babies of her own in tow. They grow up so fast, it’s true, but then again, not fast enough. I can’t wait for them to be out of the house.

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Preston

Firsties! I'm the man!

Daddy Dan

Brutal!

Darren

I'm sure no kids at school would dare make fun of your daughter...considering you're her (very famous) father.

Not to mention posting entries like this won't give her peers any fodder for teasing or anything.

sarah

awesome blog. I wish someone would give me a basket full of coupons. I jump for joy when i find a hot pocket coupon. These savory treats make up 98 percent of my weight (120 pounds of philly steak and cheese, yes!)


Camille

So,so funny! (not so/so,but sooooo funny)
My daughter is also in kindergarten and I guess students aren't allowed to bring homemade treats to school. If you still want to get a peanut allergy kid,it can be done,but you have to be savvy with defacing the ingredient information on the prepackaged stuff.

Taylor

my thoughts exactly.

Jenny

AHAHA! You should teach Suri to use "nut bar" in conversation too. As in, "Hey kid whose family is suing mine because you're medically deficient*, my dad told your lawyer to suck his nut bar, so take that, you nerd." Or whatever kids say these days. I guess nerd will always be a favorite at that age.

*apologies to other medically deficient, nut allergy prone individuals.

Satur9

I felt bad for laughing at this! haha ... so harsh yet so freakin' funny.

Sarah

Well done Michael. Very funny. :)

Ali

Just remember Michael, always push your daughter down carpeted steps. Sure, she may get rug burn, but at least it isn't as visible as bruises. Don't want to add being accused of child abuse to your list of problems, right?

Reen

Oh, how you keep us all laughing!

I hope your kids never leave your house - they provide endless material for your blog.

And awwwwwww! The poor lil punkinhead with the weight of the world on her widdle shoulders...her "please like me" nutbars and her big blue meanie Dad, setting her up for sure failure.

Slam dunk!

Susanna

Your little Suri - she's got spunk! Even after being pushed down a mini-flight of stairs. I'll just go ahead and predict that her classmate's peanut allergies are the least of your worries. Just wait until she tells him that her daddy used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to color his dick yellow! Oh, to be a fly on the wall that day... ;-)

Reptar

Kids with peanut allergies are annoying anyway. Oooohh, I'm so special! I have to carry around epinephrine! I have to sit at a separate table from everyone else lest I start swelling up and stop breathing! Because of me, EVERYONE has to wash their hands after lunch so any of the leftover peanut residue doesn't send me into cardiac arrest!

FACT: Kids are complete pussies these days*

When I was a kid, nobody admitted to having a peanut allergy. Peanut allergy kids were mythical creatures. If they even existed - which I doubt - they lived on a diet of juice boxes and animal cracker crumbs in the small room on the other end of the school with all the other "special" kids. Back then, normal kids were kept with normal kids and all the weird/challenged kids were kept separate so as not to make school any more socially awkward than forcing a bunch of children to solve math problems and watch School House Rock already was. I'll go as far as to say that kids weren't allergic to anything when I was a kid, and that a decade of iPods and Jonas Brothers has rendered the normal processes of the human body completely useless.

*see also: Wikipedia.

Steve Huff

You, my friend, are a role model for parents everywhere. Bravo. I feel much better about that whole laxative brownie fiasco my daughter caused at her own school last year.

thelizardqueen

Hey Michael, I love you. I want you. Yeah that's right, I'm a creepy stalker. So I'm not legal, who gives a shit. 17 is close enough. Ask your wife if she'd be down with a threesome, because I totally am, being bisexual and all. Oh and I'm a girl by the way, I guess reading that back to myself it could have gone either way.

Jo

Aww! Cuteness.

Zane

Dear Lizardqueen,
Are you saying that you reread your paragraph and could only find fault in your insufficient clarification of your gender?
My dear, obviously everyone reading this blog has at one time or another propositioned Michael for some kind of sexual favor, perhaps not publicly, but you get my drift. I am thinking that a blog entitled My Daughter's First Day of School might not be the most logical choice of where to ask him to engage in sex with a minor. Or maybe it is exactly perfect? Good luck and I hope you hear back real soon.

Jaime

"My son may not be bright enough to get into college anyway . . . but my daughter has shown great promise."

Yes, I remember her prolific existential poem. She is clearly a great mind. Listen Michael, no worries about school or the kids. If anyone gives you any trouble, just exhibit your supreme parenting skills through waterbording. Thanks for the funny! I needed it!

poop.

Felicia

Zane, loved your response! I don't think I've propositioned MIB yet...perhaps I should rectify that one of these days, but I'd rather proposition Craig Ferguson. No offense Michael, I just love the Scots.

While this blog was certainly amusing, after the Lake Compounce blog where the son is referred to as "stupid" and now pushing a kindergartner down the stairs, we may need to get the authorities involved.

As for college plans, I'm sure if she worked it, your daughter could most definitely get a student loan officer to say he/she loved her.

Dere

Reading these makes my day that much better.

Zane

I felt a little guilty about slamming the 17 yr old whore-girl (who might in fact just be a nice, sweet virgin with a desire to come off as saucy, can I hope, fingers crossed?) so I came back on to say, "Go ahead, whore it up all over the place and never mind me. The room looks better with you in it."

(I'm still smarting from an overly zealous teeth-cleaning today and shouldn't have taken all those Aleves. I'll try to stay quiet on the next one.)

Michael, I loved this blog. Congrats on the big day & hope there weren't any tears when she got home.

Zane

Oh, and Felicia, when I said "everyone" I really just meant "Steve".
;-)

Emma

Awwww cute blog!! I saw somewhere that kids were estimated to cost $150,000 until they turn 18 (or you kick them out).

P.S.- At Borders your book was in a special read this now humor section and was sandwiched between Tucker Max and David Sedaris.

Jaime

I'm with you Dere :)

Joseph

According to the Keppler Speakers Bureau, your fee is $10,000-$20,000 and subject to change without notice.

Get cheaper.
Or stop joking about telling your children to get cheaper. ha

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