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August 14, 2008

In Los Angeles

Chelsea-handler I am briefly in Los Angeles for a stop on "The Chelsea Handler Show," which I think has a different name than that, but I don't know what it is, so I'm calling it "The Chelsea Handler Show." In addition to having a successful television program, Chelsea also has a New York Times best-selling book, which is even more popular than Tucker Max's book. And so, of course, I am probably going to challenge her to a fist fight. You might think I would have learned my lesson about challenging people to fights when I have no intention of following through, but you would be wrong to think this. After all, I have spent most of my career not learning lessons, and I don't intend to start now. Moreover, I think Chelsea could probably kick my ass about as well as Tucker. The difference? If she did it, I would probably enjoy the beating.

According to the photo I just found on the internet and pasted here, she has surprisingly big boobs. Not sure if that topic will come up in the interview or not, but if it does, I will be ready to ogle and grope. I have found that certain inappropriate behaviors are acceptable when done in the service of "comedy." For example, I once made out with Sarah Silverman in front of her then boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel when Stella appeared on that television program. Why? Because I thought it was "funny." So maybe I will get to second with Chelsea for the same reason. And if that's funny, just imagine how funny it will be if I make love to her mouth! Hilarious! If my wife or her boyfriend object, I can just plead comedy.

Also on the docket tomorrow, another interview on the Adam Carolla show. The last time I was on his radio program, we spent the interview discussing the fact that he thinks I'm gay. Since then, Adam has appeared on "Dancing With the Stars."

          Blog-Adam-Carolla-Dancing-With-The-Stars
My how the tables have turned. Is that a unicycle between your legs, Adam, or are you just happy to see me?

That's pretty much it. The birthday last night was, as predicted, horrible. No mention of my whereabouts in any of the New York papers or even on the Chuck E. Cheese website. What's the point of having a birthday if it isn't covered by the tabloids? Honestly, what's the point of anything? So I turn a year older and for what? So I can be ignored? On the plus side, I did have birthday sex. On the negative side, it was by myself.

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Susanna

I will be looking forward to seeing you grope Chelsea's boobs on "The Chelsea Handler Show"! Maybe before you attempt mouth sex, first try and do a reach-around over-the-pants finger twaddle (that should be a gymnastic move in the Olympics) and see how that goes.

I think that when you say "horrible" you actually mean "great" (and/or "totally awesome"). It's reverse psychology. I get it. So, with that in mind, I hope you have a "horrible" time in LA!

Shawn

You are just too funny. I may have to tune into these shows just to catch you on.

Reptar

I'm pretty sure that is a unicycle between his legs. But alternatively, he could be half-man, half-machine. Like in that one movie: Kindergarten Cop.

Lindsay

I have big boobs and I'm not opposed to you, I mean, someone making love to my mouth. All in the name of comedy ... of course.
Happy Belated!

Ryalye

Would you just go home and stay there for once? J to the C.

Natalie

I was going to buy your new book. I clicked the link to take me to Amazon.com and everything...but then I noticed it's in hardcover. And that just doesn't fly. I'm a broke waitress with an interest in your wit, but not enough interest to spend $16 (roughly what I earn in half a shift) on it.

When's the paperback edition coming out?

Jo

You were born the day before my mom! Years after her birth, but birthday-wise the day before. That's so cool.

Chelsea might knock you out with those knockers. That was vulgar, sorry.

Jenny

Chelsea Handler is sexy. That in mind, I don't usually watch her show. I don't know why, something else is on or I don't care. I will watch your episode, however. And in the spirit of sexy, so is Julianne Hough. rar.

Next topic: Are you watching/enjoying the Olympics? I think you should write a blog on the subject.

Enjoy smoggy L.A.!

sarah

which television program?

Reen

*Chels has huge boobs and they look real. Feel real, too. (!)

*I will watch you on her show tonight, please be crude and make it worth my while

*We all know you had birthday sex with a trio of exotic Asians. (Again).

*Adam talks too much, when you did get a word in, it was enjoyable.

And finally...

*I remember yours and Sarah Silvermans make out party well. The shocked/embarrassed look on her face was ::kissing fingers:: (Jimmys was funny too - in an awkward/jealous but pretending not to be/"that mutha fucka!"/kind of way)

Nickie

I just might have to actually watch Chelsea Handler, then. And I'll definitely listen to you on Carolla. Wonder if Danny Bonaduce will talk about boning you again...

I KNEW you'd talk about solo birthday sex! Don't worry, my birthday sex in exactly a month will likely be with myself, too. :-P

steg luh steg

"Is that a unicycle between your legs, Adam, or are you just happy to see me?"

LOLOLOL siq burn

Danny Moore

Chelsea's hot, you should try and get her liquored up then have your way with'r', it'd be "hilarious".

cat

Ah yes, Chelsea Lately, watch out for her little midget Chuy, he can be quite terrifying, as most midgets are. Well welcome back to Los Angeles, asshole. I guess I'll have to scour the streets of LA just to meet you. I mean if you had just done a book signing here...

Camille

Looking forward to the show.

some person

I also have surprisingly big boobs, like Chelsea and Lindsay.You should have a new boob-themed contest for all the ladies on your board. We can all email you pictures clothed, or otherwise, to your personal email address. Then you can announce the winner a few blogs later. Go ahead and post that email address.I'll be waiting. and waiting.

Reen

Some Person - yeah, yeah, great idea. Just great. A "who has the biggest boobs on this board?" contest.

Tell ya what, you all get crazy with that.

Me? I'm taking my Olive Oyl self to the magazine stand and I'm going to find some pictures of Kate Hudson in a bikini. Then I'm going to gloat because *I'm* bigger. Ha!

Either that or soak my vagina in vinegar.

Jenny

Ohh, I haven't had a vagina soaking party in ages. Ah, memories. :)

Tim Fielder

Crazy people saying crazy things.

SeanF

I can't believe you referred to the size of Chelsea Handler's breasts, but not the fact that her last name is "handler."

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