I Hate Whatever Music You Like

People ask me all the time “what kind of music I’m into.” I hate this question because what they’re really asking is, “Are you as cool as me?” I can answer right now. No. No I’m not. No, I’m not into that twee British act you read about it in Gravesitter or Thunderfuck or Quiznuts or whatever obscure music magazine you read. No, I didn’t go to the Bohemian Shithead concert the other night in Williamsburg. No, I’ve never heard of them, and no I don’t want you to burn me a CD of their “amazing new album.”

What’s on my iPod? Your dick.

Asking somebody what kind of music they’re into is exactly the same as asking them what their sign is, an attempt to discern something meaningful from the meaningless. What possible difference does it make? What are you going to learn from me if I tell you I like U2? That I’m into debt relief?

And there’s just no good answer. Turning the situation around, if I ask somebody the same question, here’s what I’m thinking based on their answer:

Jazz – douchebag
Classical – douchebag
Metal – douchebag
Country – douchebag
Rap – douchebag
Pop – douchebag
Classic Rock – douchebag
Christian Rock – douchebag
Alternative Rock – JUST LIKE ME!!!

Not that people generally answer in genres. They don’t. People just tell you whatever band they’re mildly interested in who they think you will think is cool. So they’ll say, “I’m really into Feist right now,” when what they’re really listening to is that kickin’ new Jonas Brothers jam.

Or else they’ll say, “I’m really eclectic?” For some reason, this sentence always ends in a question mark. “Eclectic?” And then, without prompting, they’ll tell you all the “eclectic” music they listen to, “I like Frank Sinatra and the Clash,” in a tone that suggests “Can you believe how CRAZY I am???” Douchebag.

And yet, I like Frank Sinatra. I like The Clash. I like jazz. I like pretty much all of the music I just made fun of other people for liking. Liking music does not a douchebag make. Being “into” music does. If you’re much older than an adolescent and you’re still keeping up with what’s going on in the Bristol scene or wherever the fuck, then you’re a douchebag. If you even know that Bristol has a scene then you’re one, too. If you are older than twenty years old and any part of your disposable income is going towards concert t-shirts, then you are a douchebag. Or even if you find yourself referring to any rock band’s “early work,” you’re treading on some very thin, very douchy ice.

When people ask me that question, I just tell them I don’t listen to music. If they ask me why I tell them I hate it because music killed my dad. That usually ends the conversation. But if they persist in asking how music can kill somebody, I just say that my dad was Amadeus. Then they understand.

Comments

[evelyn]

i love you. even though, i'm a douchebag.

[Satur9]

My sentiments exactly. You know who sucks really bad? Those guys that want to tell everybody that, "Music is my life, man!". Unless you're a fucking professional musician, then no. No, it's not. Go back to your tech support job, douche.

You should write more when you're angry - you're extra hilarious. Like, a million hilarious.

[D-bag]

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[Jaime]

Witness! <--(that's the sound of an awesome blog high five. For reference, it sounds like a cymbol clash)

Awww Reen, you nature lover you, cultivating your herbal and butterfly gardens. You're like Gaia -- earth goddess. Now lets listen to that kickin’ new Jonas Brothers jam and hope they perform in wet halter tops.

And Keep being cranky Michael -- it's fun. I love it when you dole out the judgement with your judgey eyes.

[Jaime]

Hey! I made symbol crashing marks! And they disappeared! Weeeeird.

So, (Pppssshhh) <-- (OK, so _that's_ the sound of an awesome blog high five that sounds like a cymbol clash)

[me again]

This whole "self-definition through media consumption" is probably an effect (or cause?) of the myspace culture. That's why the hipsters have embraced irony, it helps them avoid judgement.

ps - When people ask me what kind of music I like, I'm going to say "Bohemian Shithead. What, you haven't heard of them?" and then look at them with smug superiority.

[Jo]

Ha, true. And people say "I like a bit of everything!" Oh, jazz and country? "No, but I like the Spice Girls and the Killers." Ha, everything.

[vitis]

it always seems like, even though these people are obviously at least a little intelligent, albeit fans of Michael Ian Black, they never seem to get that the joke is on them.

[vitis]

when i say "these people", i mean the jews. just kidding, i mean almost every person who posts comments on this blog. well, i guess i kind of mean the jews.

[Megan]

Whatever could've inspired such a piss-fueled rant?

Music is pretty okay.

[Charlotte]

Whatever. You still eat babies.

[ev]

None of you would be talking like this if you were at the last Lykke Li show at Le Poisson Rouge. The shirt i bought at that show is bitchin.

[Csquaredplus3]

Just found you on Citizen of the Month - very funny. I loathe those play lists on people's blogs - I can't turn my sound down fast enough.

I like music, but can't stand the self-luv associated with tune sharing.

"What's on my iPod? Your dick." - my new favorite line, even though I don't have a dick.

[ethan]

Its ironic man. you look just like Billy Corgan of the smashing pumpkins, I'm telling you.

[SD]

Douchebag!

[Selena]

FINALLY someone that speaks the truth! Obscure artists may be obscure for a reason: they suck.

I wish Amadeus was MY dad.

[Mike]

hilarious, but with delicious nuggets of truth.

[Chris]

I totally agree with this. I love music, but I'm not a dick about shoving it in your face. Everyone should like what they like.

But in all seriousness, check out Of Montreal's latest disc. It's hot.

Ok, 'tis a joke, but seriously...music will save my life until I die.

[CF]

You like 3 Doors down.

Some of the most beautiful and intense lyrics I have ever read.

[jj]

lol...

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[Heloise]

I've forgotten exactly what happened at the end of Being Human series 2, but I seem to remember him being dragged through alive.

[las]

a guy i work with asks me EVERYDAY what music i listen to and its making me so angry im considering a new career path.

thank you.