Heretofore Secret Details About My Birthday Celebration
Because I did not want the paparazzi to get wind of my birthday plans, I have deliberately refrained from printing any of my b-day itinerary. It was then pointed out to me that if I do this, the paparazzi might not show up. Therefore I have decided to “leak” my schedule for the rest of the day. As I type this, it’s four o’clock in the afternoon, and my birthday is about to go off the hook. Here’s how the night is going to break down.
4:00 Blog about upcoming evening.
4:30 Shower, powder, curl hair.
5:00 Call Jay-Z
5:01 Realize I don’t know Jay-Z
5:01:30 Pout about not knowing Jay-Z
6:15 Reapply ruined mascara
6:20 Check with wife to make sure she called babysitter
6:21 Get into a fight with wife about the fact that I thought she was calling babysitter, and she thought I was calling babysitter.
7:00 Call neighbors to see if they will watch the kids.
7:02 Call other neighbors to see if they will watch the kids.
7:05 Strap kids into car for trip to fancy restaurant with Mommy and Daddy.
7:15 Arrive at restaurant. Debate whether or not it will be safe to leave kids in car while Mommy and Daddy eat.
7:20 Decide it’s probably fine with us, but the “authorities” might feel differently.
7:25 Explain to maitre d’ that we will now be needing a table for four instead of two. Nod patiently will maitre d’ explains that they do not have a table for four, but one should be opening in the next half hour or so.
7:26 Listen to kids complain.
7:27 Listen to kids complain.
7:28 Listen to kids complain.
7:29 Listen to kids complain.
7:30 Decide to leave restaurant and go to more “kid friendly” restaurant.
7:45 Arrive at Chuck E. Cheese
7:50 Get a shitload of tokens. Tell kids to go crazy.
7:53 Romantic “champagne” birthday toast. Champagne = Pepsi.
8:00 Enjoy three slices of delicious Chuck E. Cheese pizza while being serenaded by person in skateboarding rat costume.
8:05 Ask strange man to tell his child to stop hitting my son.
8:06 Ask strange man to stop hitting me.
8:11 Exchange tickets for plastic spider ring and puzzle where you try to get metal balls in holes. Enjoy puzzle for a good long while.
8:13 Get back in car, drive home.
9:00 Arrive home, carry sleeping children to bed.
9:05 Decide to make love
9:05:10 Change mind.
9:06 Get on computer and surf Web looking for mentions of my birthday celebration.
2:00 Go to bed. Spoon with sleeping wife.
2:01 Reflect on life's happiness and blessings or lack thereof.