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August 12, 2008

Heretofore Secret Details About My Birthday Celebration

Because I did not want the paparazzi to get wind of my birthday plans, I have deliberately refrained from printing any of my b-day itinerary. It was then pointed out to me that if I do this, the paparazzi might not show up. Therefore I have decided to “leak” my schedule for the rest of the day. As I type this, it’s four o’clock in the afternoon, and my birthday is about to go off the hook. Here’s how the night is going to break down.

4:00 Blog about upcoming evening.
4:30 Shower, powder, curl hair.
5:00 Call Jay-Z
5:01 Realize I don’t know Jay-Z
5:01:30 Pout about not knowing Jay-Z
6:15 Reapply ruined mascara
6:20 Check with wife to make sure she called babysitter
6:21 Get into a fight with wife about the fact that I thought she was calling babysitter, and she thought I was calling babysitter.
7:00 Call neighbors to see if they will watch the kids.
7:02 Call other neighbors to see if they will watch the kids.
7:05 Strap kids into car for trip to fancy restaurant with Mommy and Daddy.
7:15 Arrive at restaurant. Debate whether or not it will be safe to leave kids in car while Mommy and Daddy eat.
7:20 Decide it’s probably fine with us, but the “authorities” might feel differently.
7:25 Explain to maitre d’ that we will now be needing a table for four instead of two. Nod patiently will maitre d’ explains that they do not have a table for four, but one should be opening in the next half hour or so.
7:26 Listen to kids complain.
7:27 Listen to kids complain.
7:28 Listen to kids complain.
7:29 Listen to kids complain.
7:30 Decide to leave restaurant and go to more “kid friendly” restaurant.
7:45 Arrive at Chuck E. Cheese
7:50 Get a shitload of tokens. Tell kids to go crazy.
7:53 Romantic “champagne” birthday toast. Champagne = Pepsi.
8:00 Enjoy three slices of delicious Chuck E. Cheese pizza while being serenaded by person in skateboarding rat costume.
8:05 Ask strange man to tell his child to stop hitting my son.
8:06 Ask strange man to stop hitting me.
8:11 Exchange tickets for plastic spider ring and puzzle where you try to get metal balls in holes. Enjoy puzzle for a good long while.
8:13 Get back in car, drive home.
9:00 Arrive home, carry sleeping children to bed.
9:05 Decide to make love
9:05:10 Change mind.
9:06 Get on computer and surf Web looking for mentions of my birthday celebration.
2:00 Go to bed. Spoon with sleeping wife.
2:01 Reflect on life's happiness and blessings or lack thereof.


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Well, happy birthday to you!


Indeed -- happy birthday.


You are so funny. Have a great night!


Adorable! You forgot to add "Entertain the masses". Thanks for this funny blog.

You know...soon your kiddos will be grown and Chuck E Cheese will be nothing but a fond (?) memory. Cherish these years...(blah,blah,blah) because before you know it, the kids will want nothing to do with their "uncool parents". You'll have an abundance of time for romantic dinners and sexual experimentation that may, or may not, necessitate the use of a very sturdy ironing board. Right married folks? High five!

I hope you have a great day today. I'm one of many who are awfully glad you were born.


Michael, I love you. Here's to many more birthdays and many more silly interludes!

Much love.


In my opinion, Chuck E. Cheese makes one of the best taco pizzas on the planet, and it's at least 75% better than most of that "fancy" restaurant food. I think even Jay Z would agree with me on this.

Please have yourself a wonderful day of birth, fellow Leo!

(insert lion roar here)


I'm sorry about laughing at your upcoming evening but it was funny!
So how old are you now?(and don't say "29...again!",haha)


I hope you have a great birthday! Have fun at Chuck-e-Cheese. Just another reason for me to look forward to having children.


this was so funny...i don't even know. i lost that 5 minutes because i blacked out from laughing so hard


Happy Birthday, MIB! You're awesome.



Yes. I am so there. Reen, can I simultaneously cherish the moment and have this weird ironing board sex you refer to? Does it work that way?? No??? Didn't think so. Oh well. High five.

So, according to your itinerary, you should be surfing the web right now, so: Mention Mention. Your birthday bash looks so boss. Happy Birthday funny man! The world is a funner place for having you. Think on that as you Spoon.


Ha ha! Good Pepsi mention. Nice.


So no Applebees this year, eh? Yes, I'm a nerd, making an I Love the New Millennium reference. But, seriously, I saw a few Applebees commercials and thought of you.

We look forward to hearing if your birthday went according to schedule.


I think we all thank your mother for the painful childbirth she went through for you.

Unless she had a C-section, then she's just lazy.
Happy birthday, Michael! Have fun spooning!


Oh how I used to love Chuck E Cheese. The faint smell of urine in the tube mazes, suffocating in the ball pits, drunk uncles; I had some of the greatest birthday parties there.

Well Michael, I hope you had an awesome day because you're awesome yay!


Happy Birthday! Hope ya get lots of anal sex, my friend. Preferably not the partner being penetrated.


Hey Michael!

Happy Birthday to you! Did you know that the talk you gave in California a little while ago about My Custom Van is on this site: http://fora.tv ? I watched your whole talk there, really funny stuff :) So yes, you have a new fan. I always thought that you were hilarous on Ed. Here in Sweden I have been spreading the word about "A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered." So, so funny. Anyway, thanks for the laughs!



And why was I not invited?

I thought we where web friends.

I have your blog bookmarked on my internet explorer and everything...

thanks Michael....thanks alot.


I don't like Chuckee Cheese : (



That sounds like a kickass birthday to me.


your still a bitch compared to Tucker Max.

Nickel Jean

Happy Birthday, Michael! Incidentally, my husband and I spent one of our anniversaries at Chuck E Cheese.


yo mike, you my nigga, nah'mean son? them metal ball puzzles is ILL, kid. stay p.i.m.p.i.n

Annie Spandex

Hmm. I just remembered to take my birth control.


Well, I missed the birthday congrats on the day of on this blog, but i did say happy whatnot on your facebook, but Happy Birthday, again. :)

At least you didn't get mugged and/or raped in the parking lot thus traumatizing not only yourself but your family, thus, again, saving yourself hundreds if not thousands of dollars in future therapy. And for that you can be thankful.

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