Here's Something I Just Wrote for the "Best Week Ever" Site
By Michael Ian Black
Ed Note: Michael Ian Black — whose gilded resume includes Stella, The State, the tragically DVD-less Viva Variety, and countless well-meaning “I love that guy on Best Week Ever!” compliments — is now the proud author of a book, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face. To help promote said reading material (which we can objectively say is funnier and more aggressively irreverent than even our high expectations were expecting), Michael has agreed to show off his love and keen eye for stylish custom vans for us in the form of a list. Take it away, Michael:
Custom vans are awesome. Anything that looks so cool outside and smells so rank inside has to be considered awesome. Nothing on four wheels has ever been invented that is better for simultaneously driving fast, cranking tunes, smoking reefer, and getting laid. What follows are several images of custom vans that rise above the merely awesome to the level of Super Awesome.
8. Bear Van
For the nature-loving environmentalist/ custom van aficionado, this custom van is equally at home at Yosemite National Park and the local roller rink where all the really cute fourteen year old girls hang out. It is unusual for it’s full-body paint treatment, as well as its “bear looking up at nothing” theme. As sweet as a bear’s favorite treat: garbage.
7. Chess Van
This chess-themed custom van features a diamond-shaped peek-a-boo side window and an incredible airbrushed panorama of pawn battling knight. This is the kind of van that says to any potential lady friends, “I both know how to party and play chess.” Checkmate, foxy, checkmate.
6. Condom Van
While not strictly a “custom van,” this baby lets any potential mates know one of two things about its driver: either he really likes to have safe sex or he has the shittiest job in the world. I suspect it might be the second.
5. Heart Dung Van
This is what happens when you don’t let a professional customize your custom van. Yes you get a unique artistic statement, but you simultaneously get a van that looks like this. Note the airbrushed penis on the side. Classy.
4. Iron Maiden Van
If you haven’t outgrown Iron Maiden by the time you get your driver’s license, you are never going to outgrow Iron Maiden. The owner of this van, presumably named “Spinelli” (as indicated by the word “Spinellis” written in hyper-awesome Iron Maiden font on the side, knows what he likes, and what he likes is the band Iron Maiden and the color purple (but presumably not the Alice Walker novel, “The Color Purple.”) Please note awesome parallelogram peek-a-boo side window. Totally wicked.
3. Eclipse Van
So f-ing awesome it should be illegal. This van has everything: lime green body, custom flame job, airbrushed graffiti mural on the side featuring (look closely) an evil clown, random musical notes interposed with a cityscape, and of course, the piece de resistance, double rear wheels. When you’re having sex with nothing but fat chicks, you need the extra support. Trust me, I know.
2. Purple Bat-Wing Van
What this van lacks in subtlety it more than makes up for in totally useless purple fiberglass appendages. This is the kind of van that says, “I probably won’t fit through the underpass.” On the other hand, it would be a perfect getaway vehicle for a bank job because nobody would think you would be stupid enough to rob a bank and then drive away in that thing. In case the van itself didn’t tell you the owner has a thing for Batman, the Batman decal on the side should clear up any confusion.
1. Space Van
The classic. Diamond-shaped side window. Airbrushed sci-fi outer space mural, rust everywhere. This is exactly what a custom van should look like: a combination of totally unique artistic statement and totally shitty ride in which the air-conditioning probably doesn’t work. What better vehicle to park outside the 7-11 and sip Slurpees beside? This is my choice of #1 custom van of the world.