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August 15, 2008

Did Chelsea

So I taped “Chelsea Lately” this afternoon. The interview went well, although she became surprisingly squeamish when I talked about “A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered.” Her boyfriend’s ancient parents were in the audience and so she was concerned about their reaction to my repeated references to finger blasting and finger popping, as well as my demonstration of said blasting/popping. I also went to some lengths to explain directly to the parents exactly what I was talking about, and later in the interview asked if they were “swingers in their time.” The audience seemed to enjoy it, but I might have quickly worn out my welcome on the show. The show will not air tonight; they said it might be a week or two before they get it on. (I just said “get it on.”)

The rest of my day was spent at my usual LA haunt, the La Brea Tar Pits, where I discovered a new species of dinosaur. This news was overshadowed by those guys in Georgia who have Bigfoot in their freezer. Talk about bad timing on my part! I finally discover a new dinosaur species on the same exact day Bigfoot is discovered! Typical.

Tomorrow I fly back to New York. Last time I flew back across the country, I was on JetBlue. The guy next to me was wearing “Reality Bites Back.” After halfway through he turned to me and said, “Is that you?” I think the way I said, “Yes” made it clear to me that I wasn’t interested in talking to him because he did not say another word to me the rest of the flight, even after I offered to share my Lorna Doones.

Annoyingly, the fact that I am flying tomorrow means I will miss the official Bigfoot press conference unless it is covered, as it should be, by all three major networks. For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about, I refer you here. Truly we are living in blessed times when the words “Bigfoot” and “news conference” can even be used in the same sentence. All I could think when I read about this was, “Please God, let Bigfoot be real.” Because if this is just another Bigfoot cock tease I’m going to be pissed.

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Jenny

Congrats at the success of Chelsea's show. Congrats on finding the new dinosaur species (Michaelosaurus?) and awesome to the possibility of Bigfoot.

Seriously, that would be amazing. According to the Discovery Channel during Bigfoot Week, the best known "evidence" of Bigfoot's existence was found in my hometown. (It was news to us.) Awesome. Good job, scary Georgian hunters. Maybe.

Amber

And the Bigfoot verdict iiiis... Fake. It's an opossum, apparently. No, I'm not making it up.

"One of the two samples of DNA said to prove the existence of the Bigfoot came from a human and the other was 96 percent from an opossum, according to Curt Nelson, a scientist at the University of Minnesota who performed the DNA analysis."

Kelsey

NOOOOOOOOO!!! Say it ain't so! This is the most dissapointing news ever!

Jenny

i agree that it's probably fake (those bastards!) but the third "DNA" sample taken got messed up and so was inconclusive. and there's my shallow attempt at stupid hope.

Reen

So what are ya doing? Are you writing with Sho? Are you vacationing in Turkey? Are you spending your days buying stuff to fill all the emptiness inside?


Jaime

Yeah, whaddrryadoin? I'm bored.

Well, not really. Quite the opposite. Right now I'm more like a madly spinning ballerina, but I need my spot in the room to focus on as I spin spin spin pirouette so I don't vomit Saltines on my pretty TuTu (on accident at least).

I want some stuff! I'm empty too!

Jaime

What did you buy me? :)

sarah

Alls i can say is that he better be writing with Sho. Thats the only thing that would excuse this type of negligence.

Jaime

Weeell . . . that and being a dude with a "life" and "career" and "children" and all that "nonsense."

(How _dare_he?!?! My indignance is ripe. Like BO.)

Reptar

Jaime, I don't understand what having a life, a career or a children (yes, A children) has to do with completely neglecting to inform anonymous people like myself what is going on with his life. I feel that sometimes, under a full moon and the influence of prescription narcotics, I have this sort of bond with Michael Ian Black that transcends conventional stalking and illegal surveillance. It's like we're the same person, except one has a "life" and a "career" and a "children" and the other has spiral meningitis and is named after a popular Nintendo series. After reading this past entry, I was inspired to sculpt a Michael Ian Black monument out of Lorna Doones and set it behind a display glass in a starving, third-world country. That's what these blog entries mean to me. I'm pretty sure my Misery-esque fanaticism trumps his societal and family obligations.

Camille

Hmm..maybe he's taken up knitting and is making each of us a fabulous scarf for the holidays!

Reen

Reptar - you're one funny guy.

I like all the speculations. Us no-lifers should continue coming up with them until the "list o'speculations" is so completely absurd (read: obscene) that Michael will finally write - if only just to shut our pie holes. Only we're not talking so much as typing. So really our pie holes are our fingers! I can almost imagine that.

Tom Thumb stuck his thumb in a pie, didn't he? ....................................................................................................................................(Or was that just a fantasy I had about Michael?)


Jaime

oooh! Grammar Nazi caught my sloppy parallelism. Nice catch Reptar!

You're right buddy. Way to snap me out of my sym_pathetic_ co_misery_. Where's my matches and my effigy! I need blogs! I need blogs! I need blogs!

Jaime

oh! I just caught your entendre Reen! Hahahahahahahahaha!

Reen

Oh thanks Jaime. I know. I'm such the riot.

I am, however, getting quite bored. Not of you. Not of any of you. Of this. Just...this.

I guess it's time to take a spin class. Maybe learn glass blowing (instead of just dick blowing).

Oh, fuck it all. I should just throw myself in front of a fast moving caravan of carnies.

Camille

"Tom Thumb stuck his thumb in a pie, didn't he? .......(Or was that just a fantasy I had about Michael"

oh Renee, let's play "where is Thumbkin,where is Thumbkin.."

Ew. What?

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