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August 15, 2008

Did Chelsea

So I taped “Chelsea Lately” this afternoon. The interview went well, although she became surprisingly squeamish when I talked about “A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered.” Her boyfriend’s ancient parents were in the audience and so she was concerned about their reaction to my repeated references to finger blasting and finger popping, as well as my demonstration of said blasting/popping. I also went to some lengths to explain directly to the parents exactly what I was talking about, and later in the interview asked if they were “swingers in their time.” The audience seemed to enjoy it, but I might have quickly worn out my welcome on the show. The show will not air tonight; they said it might be a week or two before they get it on. (I just said “get it on.”)

The rest of my day was spent at my usual LA haunt, the La Brea Tar Pits, where I discovered a new species of dinosaur. This news was overshadowed by those guys in Georgia who have Bigfoot in their freezer. Talk about bad timing on my part! I finally discover a new dinosaur species on the same exact day Bigfoot is discovered! Typical.

Tomorrow I fly back to New York. Last time I flew back across the country, I was on JetBlue. The guy next to me was wearing “Reality Bites Back.” After halfway through he turned to me and said, “Is that you?” I think the way I said, “Yes” made it clear to me that I wasn’t interested in talking to him because he did not say another word to me the rest of the flight, even after I offered to share my Lorna Doones.

Annoyingly, the fact that I am flying tomorrow means I will miss the official Bigfoot press conference unless it is covered, as it should be, by all three major networks. For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about, I refer you here. Truly we are living in blessed times when the words “Bigfoot” and “news conference” can even be used in the same sentence. All I could think when I read about this was, “Please God, let Bigfoot be real.” Because if this is just another Bigfoot cock tease I’m going to be pissed.

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Severed

I hope you're as nice as that guy as you are to all your fans.

amir

why was the guy wearing you? and how?

Amber

Irrefutable proof of Bigfoot? Cool, let's stuff him in Matt's ice chest.

Nick

my fingers are crossed for bigfoot.

Nick

my fingers are crossed for bigfoot.

Susanna

I think he was probably just watching "Reality Bites Back" and not wearing it. I mean, if there was a way to actually wear "Reality Bites Back" I would have figured out how to do it by now.

But holy shit, this Bigfoot news is amazing!! I am, however, VERY mad at myself for not previously knowing about a show called "Squatch Detective".

Reptar

Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that YOU'RE pissed. Just think of all your anonymous bloggers who may or may not have listened to that creepy Hungarian man with no eyebrows that really sold those industrial-sized Bigfoot freezers with otherwordly conviction. I've been waiting just shy of six years for the hairy bastard (Bigfoot, not the Hungarian salesman) to show up here in Indiana so that I could lure him to my freezer and get some much-needed publicity for my pog collection, and where does he end up? Cousinfucking Georgia.

But please, let's hear about YOUR dinosaur discoveries. This blog is so selfish.

Severed

About the bigfoot news. Sadly the pictures we've seen looks horribly fake. Link to pic:

http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2008/08/14/bigfoot_wideweb__470x379,0.jpg

>_< I'll be super angry if it is.

Zane

Well, if I found myself on a flight seated next to you, I don't know that I would say anything either. Maybe I'd just buy a $7.00 blanket and cross my fingers. ;-)

robin

not holding my breath about "bigfoot"... video of 'el chupacabra', shot from a police car camera in texas (i think) surfaced, too. umm, disappointing. my mutt puppy looks more like a mutant devil beast than this silly black stray. "oh my god, when it turned it's head and i saw the snout!!" somebody get that cop a krispy kreme. simmer down, officer brown. call the pound!

cat

You're so sweet to your fans.

Saul

fuck those guys. They don't deserve bigfoot if they are just going to shove him in a freezer. Give him a real coffin. He definitely 10x cooler than any human and you shove his body into a freezer?

Robin

I just watched "Reality Bites Back" for the first time today, actually.

Michael, you absolutely make that show. Any time on the show when one of the comedians who is not you tries to make a joke, it is just awful. You're performance on it is laugh out loud hilarious. Sadly, the comedians/contestants are quite the opposite.

Your "consolation" of the girl who got kicked off during the "Biggest Chubby" episode was hilarious. And during the "Almost American Gladiators" episode when you cut off the blonde girl and just told her "No you lost," was fucking fantastic.

Keep up the good work and keep on being the reason to watch shows that really should have no right to be watched otherwise.

Camille

This story reminds me of the movie The Sasquatch Gang.That body in the freezer is probably a slow cousin they duped into wearing a monkey costume. I suspect foul play. The truth will come out. It always does.

Doody

Hey....we have sex with our very immediate family members in Georgia, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. The part on Reality Bites Back that I laughed outloud at was "Do I really have to fuckin' count all these bananas?" Or something like that.

Nickie

Oh well now I can't wait to see you on Chelsea!

I wasn't happy to see Bert leave the show last night, but his naked table dance more than made up for it. And your reaction to it was priceless.

Reen

A week or two? Now you tell us? I suffered through some purr-itty lame stuff last night. Chelsea is uick and kind of funny but her lips are so thin she looks mean all the time. She can thank her lucky genetics for her supple "come here and suckle, child" breasts or no one would warm up to her ass.

Big foot discovered?! Yes, PLEASE! Oh please. PLEASE!

I wouldn't eat your Lorna Doones either, Boy Scout. I bought a set of those out of a vending machine once and an earthworm was inside the package - alive and worming! Lorna DOOM, more like.

And do NOT get me started on Reality Bites Back. I dig everything about that show. (You).

Josh

People are saying that the big foot in that ice chest looks awfully similar to this halloween costume: http://thehorrordome.com/HDSHOPPINGPROPS/SasquatchLARGE.htm

Jaime

Last night when you cracked up, it was hilarious.

How else do you handle a highly homo-erotic nude break dance?

None else.

Bravo.

Also, Pumpkin Patch _was_ her responsibility. Bitch. (Actually, that blond judge was hilarious. She couldn't have been for real. . . . Could she have? . . . Naaaah . . . could she . .? . . naah . . ??: Hahhaha! Girl's night out!)

Reptar

Shepard Smith wasn't convinced. But if I've learned anything over the years, it's that I should believe the exact opposite of everything stated on Fox News. So by that logic, I retain my belief that Bigfoot exists. And hope I catch that fucker so I can get some ROI on my own Bigfoot freezer.

PS - I realize that Georgians (of the American variety, not those currently being gunned down by dirty Rooskies) have the capacity to engage in sexual acts with immediate family members too. I just thought "cousinfucking Georgia" was a much more elegant description than, say, "daughterfucking Georgia" or "fatherfucking Georgia."

bailey

So was the guy wearing a "Reality Bites Back" shirt, staring at it until halfway through the flight when he looked up and notcied you and asked if it was you on his shirt? I wasn't aware there were any shirts to purchase yet...

bailey

Sorry, I meant noticed. I'm a dyslexic typer.

Nickel Jean

Geesh, everybody, give Michael a break. Have you never mistyped? Personally, I am guilty of always typing the word "absurb."

Keith

I, for one, have never mistpyed.

So any word on Big Foot yet?

leanne

First off, thanks a lot Reen, you've taken my budding love for Lorna Doones and turned it into fear and disgust. You should work for Fox News.

Second, Michael, don't worry about your dinosaur discovery taking second place to Bigfoot. You just need the right headline to make your story more important.

For example: Michael Ian Black bludgeons disgruntled fan to death on a JetBlue airplane using the femur bone of a newly discovered dinosaur.

Or: New dinosaur skeleton revealed! Scientists say the finger bones may have genetically evolved due to the necessity of perfecting their blasting/popping, to ensure the continuation of their race.

Failing that, just tie it in somehow to the Olympics, and you're story will suddenly gain more fame than a Michael Ian Black vs. Sedaris death match in outer space.

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