What To Do When You Have Scabies

Nobody wants to have scabies, but when you do, all hope is not lost. Just most hope. For those of you unsure about what scabies is, it’s caused by a little bug, called an “itch mite,” that burrows into your skin, kind of like that bug that goes into Chekov’s ear in “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.” A little while after the critters get into your skin, little itchy bumps start appearing all over your body. That’s why it’s called an itch mite, because they make things itchy. If they made things chocolaty, it would be called a “chocolate mite.” Scientists who study these things speculate that such a mite would almost certainly cause the most delicious rashes ever.

How do you contract scabies? There are two ways: one is to have skin to skin contact with an infected person. The other is to go swimming in a pool filled with itch mites.  This second way is far less common as there is no such thing as a swimming pool filled with itch mites.



If scabies sounds disgusting, that’s only because Westerners have a bias against any little bugs that lay their eggs under your skin and then crawl around in there laying more and more eggs, which in turn hatch more and more bugs. Similar biases exist against bedbugs and ringworm. Why? They are God’s creatures just like dolphins and panda bears. If a panda bear crawled into your skin, you probably wouldn’t say, “That’s disgusting.” You would say, “That’s adorable,” especially if it was a little panda bear cub (which really would be adorable). In fact, kangaroos and other marsupials literally keep their babies in pouches, which is kind of like having scabies. Does that mean duck-billed platypuses are disgusting? Yes, but not because they remind us of itch mites, but because they are so fucking stupid-looking.

What to do if you have scabies? The first thing you should do is write a blog about it, informing people about what scabies is, and why you’re not disgusting just because you have bugs crawling all over you. The second thing you should do is see a doctor (I recommend Dr. Liebowitz). Normal treatment for scabies includes antibiotics and all the ice cream you can eat. The antibiotics will kill the mites and the ice cream will fill the empty hole in your heart. After that, you need to hire a Mexican girl to clean your entire house for you. If a Mexican girl is unavailable, Guatemalans are also good. Don’t do your own cleaning because that makes you look cheap.

As I said, scabies doesn’t mean the end of hope. It just means you will never be loved again.

Comments

[frank]

"After that, you need to hire a Mexican girl to clean your entire house for you. If a Mexican girl is unavailable, Guatemalans are also good. Don’t do your own cleaning because that makes you look cheap. "

Fuck you

[mary]

I think the mexican or guatemalan cleaning thing was very rude if you white trash scabie people would learn and know how to clean your own house you wouldn't need a mexican or guatemalan cleaning person

[Ananomyous]

I am proud to say I have scabies :). Don't let the bed bugs bite

[Jessica]

i think i have flipping scabbi cooties, i dont know how in the world i got it but i cry at night like a frustirated baby due to something invisible biting me, i have a gross rash on my body, my family is laughing at me and acusing me of being insaine talking about invisible bugs, and with each day im acutally going insaine! i have an appointment with the dermotologist today and i pray to GOD that they go away on the first try, seems like people live with this for months sometimes! i will put a bullet through my head soon because of it! worst lame disease EVER!!! worst part is... everyone i know has seen my rash before i even knew of scabies, and everyone wants to know what it is!! im just gonna lie or something!! alergy to dogs, booze, whatever, anything!

[sean]

My family has contracted scabies and my children are suffering terribly. I came online to see if there were any natural supplements to my doctor's prescription to alleviate their itching so they could sleep at night. We are all trying to remain positive, cheerful, and proactive.

And in my search, I find your smarmy article. I read the whole thing hoping that you might actually offer something other than sarcasm. It's clear that you've never suffered from this mite.

Fuck you. And from my kids: FUCK YOU. You are an asshole of cosmic proportions.

[One of the Nelson twins]

Michael can't please everyone so he's got to please himself.

(Sean needs to go to a Garden Party).

[jose]

i found the secret to get rid of scabies! i had scabies from god know where anyways if you have scabies take a close look in the gap between each finger. i bet it itches like shit! anyways pop those tiny little water bubbles (scabie eggs) pop all of them out keep poping them out even if it takes you 3 days but clear your self out of those little bubbles and take hot baths after that. those little bubbles can also grow behind your knees or crotch or between your toes. pop them all out and itching will stop and from then just keep an eye if it grows back. whenever they grow back just pop them. its free

[William]

I just found out today that I have scabies. This gives me hope

[Elena]

What I have discovered now that I am close to dying from all the noxious chemicals I have used in the attempt to kill the scabies is this..... KETCHUP... apply ketchup all over to dry skin three times a day.. It WILL kill most of the scabies and for the few that are more resistant rub with garlic.. the combination works... and does not tend to kill yourself as well

[ScabiesHomeRemedy]

Ha ha, I enjoyed your post Michael. Hilarious take on the embarrassing nature of scabies. Had never thought of the little critters as "cute". lol.

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[mulberry]

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