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July 13, 2008

Tucker Max is Quaking in His Little Girl Ducky Boots

So Tucker Max has officially accepted my challenge to a fight. Good. That was the easy part. The hard part? Deciding exactly how I am going to rearrange his face. Will I pluck out an eye and stuff it up his nostril? Will I make him choke down his own tongue until he throws it up and then sit on his head and force him to lap up his own puke like a bad little puppy? Or will I simply knock out his teeth and then use them as Chinese death stars which I will then throw into his black heart? I just do not know. But I do know this: Tucker Max is going down. How do I know this? Because Tucker may have the athleticism, the muscles, the fighting skills, the experience, the guts, and the heart. But I have something he will NEVER have – I’m not sure what that is, but if I think about it long enough I will probably come up with something. I might be better at Scrabble, for example. (I also have one of the original pets.com sock puppets, which I’m sure he doesn’t have, and will never have, but I don’t think that will help me in the fight.)

So confident is he of winning this fight that he has offered to give me one of his piddling royalty checks (“which should be for about $150,000”). Fuck that. Does he think a hundred and fifty thousand dollars means ANYTHING to me? Well it doesn’t!* I’M ON BASIC CABLE TELEVISION!!! He says we don’t even have to make it a bet. That I can just keep the check if I win, and he gets nothing if he loses. Well I say let’s make it a bet, you punked-out vagina! If I win, I get the royalty check. Fine. I’ll take your shitty little check and use it to wipe my ass.** But if you win, I will give you my ENTIRE COLLECTION of books about New Kids on the Block. I have three of them and now that they have reformed, those books are worth A LOT MORE THAN $150,000!!!*** That’s how confident I am that I am going to not only destroy your body, but your entire psyche. 

He asks me to pick the time and place. I will have to work on that, but rest assured it will be soon and it will be well-publicized and it will be sponsored and there will be some hot ring girls and probably a motorcycle jump before the fight. Also, I am hoping to enter the ring via helicopter. And I’m going to get a special robe with my name bedazzled on it. And you know how UFC has the Octagon? Well our ring is going to be shaped like the Star of Fucking David. Because that’s how we Jews roll.

Tucker Max, you are going to regret the day you ever read my blog.

2658522_2

                         (Tucker Max when I get through with him)

*When I say it doesn’t mean “anything” to me, what I actually mean is, that would mean a lot. I haven't had steady work in a while.

** After I use it to wipe my ass, I will then use it to pay off a home equity loan I took out to finish my basement.

*** It’s true I have the books, but I think they are probably worth, in total, about a dollar fifty.

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Reen

A fan brawl?

Sounds painful.

Tell ya what, I'll be "Coat Check Lady".

brainsaremoreattractive

I enjoy the fact that many of Tucker's blog commentators actually believe a physical fight is desired by Black. Idiots.

eh

You're going to be beaten like a side of beef in a Rocky movie. Why would you do this?

Rayc

Oh... thank you for entertaining me while I'm at work.
:)

Bill Edwards

Dude, are you fucking serious? Tucker is going to beat the shit out of you. I don't get it; how can you think that you can beat up anybody? Let alone Tucker! You are a great comedian, I think you're hilarious. At the same time, you have twig-arms, you're out of shape, and you're a goofy motherfucker. He's not some giant or anything, but dude, if this actually happens, he's going to kick your face in. I can't tell if you're one of those people that have a distorted image of themselves and think you're on the same level as other people (like the guy from Along Came Polly that plays ball with Ben Stiller "Let it rain!"), or you're just really funny. Either way I think you're awesome, and I don't wish for you to fight Tucker, especially Drunk Tucker, because he might kill you if he's been drinking. At the same time, I would love to watch some skinny bitch get his ass kicked for running his mouth. Much love to you both.

Therese

I just tagged "My Custom Van" with 'Tucker Max', so now your book shows up when people click his tag.

I also notice how the average rating for his book, with over 250 reviews is still only 4.5 stars, and yours is a solid 5 stars.

I further notice that he's an unfunny twat.

Zane

Renee's "coat check lady" made me laugh. I'll split the shift with you.

Matt

My god! The idea of you fighting Tucker Max is the funniest thing I have every thought about! Please go through with it! It will be a beat down for the ages. Your beat down.

You are pretty funny. I like your latest article on Cracked, but Tucker Max is very very funny. Goo luck with the fight. Wear a mouthpiece so you can keep you teeth.

tom

dude, he is doing for attention. He didn't even get the chance to be washed up...

diana

you MIB fans are fucking retards! all of you, how the fuck do you think that pansy will actually beat Tucker? He has no fucking game for shit, he will be creamed and embarrassed, that fucking douchebag!

Pru

It's funny -- Tucker Max actually does come across as a likable guy with a good sense of humor in this context, but his fans posting comments here are the biggest horde of mouth-breathing homunculi I've encountered on the Web. Save for the closet pedophiles and weirdos inhabiting 4chan, that is. So they've got that going for them.

Jaime

Homunculi is my new favorite word. Thank you.

I think it is funny that even after T(f)ucker's blog commentators are called out for "actually believ[ing] a physical fight is desired by Black," they insist on railing over the possibility of a fight. Wow.

Stupid Homunculi. (Ha ha, that is still funny.)

calla

Tucker Max has a lisp. I can't imagine getting my ass stomped by a guy with a lisp. seriously.

I still can't figure out why he went on Opie and Anthony a few years ago. My perception of him went out the window after watching this:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=zc27DX7qRT0

It's embarassing to watch.

Jacque

screw all of the MIB haters. tucker max is a whimpering bitch. our favotite super-jew shall be victorious!

Joe

David Wain and Michael Showalter have to be the guys that squirt water on your face and clean your cuts in between rounds!

Josh

MIcheal Ian Black...I remember you being Johnny Bluejeans on the underrated hilarious "Viva Variety." If this was that same person about what...10 years ago or so, I'd be rooting for you all the way. But this is not you, this is the boring weakest link commentator on Vh1 Post apocalyptic "I love the decades" shows who talks inspidly and makes insipid jokes that no one cares about. Sounds to me like this fight is something to satisfy your own ego.

Now inversly, I am not the biggest Tucker Max fan either, I do think he's a mysgonistic asshole, and half of the shit that has happened to him he's probably deserved. However, in the entertainment department he is vastly superior to you, Micheal. I've had more of a good laugh at Tucker's stories than I have any of the shit you've ever done. You calling out Tucker Max is like Axl Rose calling Lars Ulrich a douchebag.

But regardless, a fist fight is not the answer here, just becasue somebody wins in a fight doesn't mean they are funnier. I think there should be a "comedy-off" of sorts. Picture a stage. Do a coin toss to decide whoever will go on first. Let's say Micheal does. Micheal goes on stage for about 5 minutes, does whatever he does to try and entertain the crowd, then leaves. Then Tucker comes on, tells one of his anecdotes for about 5 minutes, then he leaves. Whoever generates the most laughs is the winner. And the loser must lie down on the ground naked, while the victor squeezes off a nice, long, stinky turd oh his chest, and the whole thing is videotaped for all the internets to see.

I don't know about you, but that sounds like a much better idea than a fist fight.

a.

You guys should fuck afterward. Sexy!

Tracey

You're going to get you ass kicked.

Uptown Again

Can we get a vBookie on this?

I'll wager 100 on Tucker over Michael within the first 20 seconds, and another 50 that it's a right cross for the knockout.

MIB, et.al.: Make this happen.

JOhn

You are an awful writer.

Manic Mommy

This will be broadcast on cable right?

Let's see, for sponsors, I think you need to get a douche company ... I'm not saying one of the two fighters is a douchebag or anything, just ... well, or maybe ...

Back to my dirty martini...

cincin

Oh my God - DO IT! Tucker Max deserves to get his assed kicked. I bet he'll like it.

Tucker Fan

Tucker Max is going skull fuck you and hate fuck your significant other. He's going hollow out your spleen and drink Fat Tire from it.

rutgersjaffo

Seriously, if there is a bigger douchebag on the planet making bank for no apparent reason...well, it would have to be Tila Tequila. That said, the important thing here is that Tucker dies a horrible, shame-induced death. Four words, Mikey: Go. For. The. Testicles.

Jaime

I just watched that YouTube of him doing an interview on Opie & Anthony. He does have a lisp, and he's the most inarticulate retard I've ever heard assert himself funny. He speaks The Hillsian lingo of "like" and "she goes," and "I'm like," and "they're all." Wow. I'm going to count the like's.

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