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July 02, 2008

The First Ever "Transform David Spedaris Into A Supervillain" Contest: FINAL THREE

First of all, my thanks to all of the patriots who decided to take time out of their busy lives to Photoshop flag pins, pirate patches, and Taco Doritos onto photographs of best-selling memoirist David Spedaris. Your efforts were all "great," (I put "great" in quotation marks because some of them were terrible) but there can be only three finalists.

How did I pick my final three? I relied on love, intuition, and alcohol. Those three friends have never let me down me before, and they didn't today. So without further adieu, I present to you the FINAL THREE!!!

From Rick DeMint:



"Crumpet. Voodoo magic and elfin powers are on his side in his secret mission to destroy Michael Ian Black in all things memoirist."

From Eric Anderson:


"Sedaris the Saucy Sailor: He lures men from the harbor deep into the belly of his ship. Then, when he knows the coast is clear, he bores the shit out of them with stories about his childhood."

And finally, from Laura:


"Frenchy McStink. After being challenged by superstars such as Michael Ian Black, Spedaris transforms into a supervillain. This adorable yet deceiving skunk draws his victims with his nonchalant attitude and basket of well-arranged flowers. He then emits compelling and rather stinky excerpts from his latest collection of essays. After the victims have been sufficiently tamed and entranced by his smelly writings, Frenchy McStink spews out random French words like 'Je déteste l'Amerique.'"


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Firsties! I'm the man!


Sloppy seconds!!!

Eric's is the winner...definitely.


I have to say, I like "Sedaris the Saucy Sailor" the best!


That skunk is so cute! Spedaris' facial expression is hilarious. He's obviously pleased with his own work.

chris flannery

i'm with the skunk.


totally the saucy sailor, skunky sedaris a close second.


I like the elf one. Something about that sailor is just too creepy for me. I think the skunk is nice, but is missing the creepy (possibly sexual obsession-caused) doll.


Laura has my vote. All because of this part "He then emits compelling and rather stinky excerpts from his latest collection of essays."


Eric then Laura.



I gotta go with the skunk. The name alone is enough to win my vote. How could he be anything but a villain with a name like Frenchy McStink?


I go for Frenchy McStink.


Frenchie wins. Definitely the most menacing.


They're all good. The skunk is the best, I think, though the elf, with the notably small hands and the nice voodoo doll touch, is perhaps the most professional looking.


The skunk IS pretty damned stupid looking. Look at that expression!

Hard decision.


Can we combine 2 and 3 to have a saucy skunk?


Laura for suuuure.


Laura. Sort of because that sailor bugs me because I keep think he's pinching his nipples, but mostly because the phrase "Je déteste l'Amerique" is hilarious.


no, we loved the skunk tails...

Nickel Jean

The Saucy Sailor is the clear choice, but is this a reader-participation contest? Do our opinions even matter?


agreed, the sailor is too freaky and looks like he is pinching his nipples. Unnecessary, even for a supervillian.

I am surprised the elf was chosen.

I love the skunk tails.


Okay,the skunk face is snarky-cute. I didn't look closely before.

I'd like to know which ones Mr. Black thought were "great" and great. (or maybe I wouldn't)


I love the skunk(tail). For sure, the winner. My first impression, however, was the saucy sailor, but I think the skunk has more lasting hilarity.


I'm gonna have to speak up for Mr DeMint's Elf, because:
a)it's the most convincingly 'shopped;
b)Pepe Le Pew already has first dibs on the "French Skunk" racket;
c)Spedaris just isn't convincing as a "loud and proud" (the sailor) gay person; and
d)I'm not friends with Laura or Eric Anderson.


Saucy sailor, because I love heart nipples.


I know you didn't really ask anyone to vote on these, but I am voting anyway (how rebellious!).

Well, I like the elf! Anyone who has actually read any of Sedaris' (who shall be referred to as Spedaris forthwith) work would understand why the elf was chosen - it's Crumpet the Elf from David Spedaris' Santaland Diaries! It's like turning his most famous essay back on himself. CLASSIC! I imagine that if the elf had a stutter and severe OCD, the recession would be complete. I also like the intentional malice directed at Michael with the voodoo doll. Classic supervillain obsessiveness!

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