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July 14, 2008

Some Suggestions For Where Tucker and I Could Duke It Out

I'm starting to think I got it backwards when I started a literary feud with David Sedaris, and an actual feud with Tucker Max. Sedaris is short, out of shape, and forty seven years old. I could probably take him in a fight. Max, not so much. He's bigger, stronger, faster, and crazier than me, while my strengths - snarkiness and a keen eye for the absurd - probably won't help me in the "Jewagon" (which is the name I have come up for the Star of David shaped ring in which I plan on fighting). Nevertheless, a fistfight has been offered and a fistfight has been accepted. And so, it falls to me to name the time and place. 

I have some suggestions:

1. The Superdome, New Orleans. Scene of the greatest natural disaster in our nation's history, it can now be the home of the single greatest exhibition of one out-of-shape white guy beating up another. I don't know what it costs to rent out the Astrodome, but I figure Tucker can just use one of his royalty checks to pay for it. Not only would this be good for the fight, it would be good for America.

2. The Faulkland Islands. Scene of the greatest British/Argentinian war in history. Added bonus: wonderful sightseeing. Think colorful houses and picturesque cathedrals!

3. SeaWorld Orlando. Even though this isn't necessarily the first place people think of when they think of fisticuffs, they have a wonderful penguin encounter there that will be educational (and fun) for everybody after the fight.

4. The barn from "Footloose" where Kevin Bacon taught Chris Penn how to dance.

5. A graveyard at midnight (spooooky!)

6. Beijing, China. Right after the Olympics, they will host the Paralympics in which disabled athletes compete for Olympic gold. Let our fight show them that even being able-bodied isn't necessarily an advantage when you look like me. Could be very inspirational.

7. Chuck E. Cheese's. We could clear out the tables and when the animatronic creatures start singing, we start swinging.

8. Christopher Street, New York City. If we're going to have a homoerotic encounter, we might as well be someplace where somebody's going to get off on it (besides Tucker's fans, I mean).

9. Michael Jordan's house. I'm not sure why Michael Jordan would offer the use of his home for this occasion, but wouldn't it be great? I bet his house is so nice. He's probably got a flat screen TV and a big leather sectional. Sweet. If Michael Jordan is reading this, I promise to use coasters for whatever post-fight drinks we consume.

10. Any place on Earth where kittens need a home.


                               (Perfect location for a fight)


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The Astrodome is in Houston, Texas.

The Superdome is in N.O.



stop deleting my shit, fuckin commies!!


notice that all of tuckers fans posting on here are just like him: rude, crude, and raging lunatics.

they seem to forget that this is all a joke...but i have a feeling that if tucker doesnt find you, they will.

but i do have a suggestion for a location. duke it out at sunset on the rim of the grand canyon. your audience there is much more international...and people already have cameras ready! its a win win.


Graveyard, Then you could just bury his body on the spot. :3


Calla- Your sh$% isn't deleted,you have to click on "next" on the bottom of each page of comments. I've made that mistake before.

I think TM fans consider their closeted gayness an occasional guilty pleasure and not a lifestyle.

Those kittens look delicious!


Hey Calla, are you sure you are getting deleted? I saw your lisp comment on p.2 of the comments for the "___ is Quaking in his Little Ducky Boots" blog (I am now refusing to say his name. It's my little way of refusing to acknowledge his existence in hopes he will implode).

That link was great. He truly is an inarticulate dum dum. And he sounds scared. Is that just me? He sounds like he is scared telling his story because he can't tell it right. It's not funny. And he says "like" 46 times in 3 minutes (I counted). That bothers the shit out of me.

Thanks Calla for the link! I think ___ is his own worst enemy. Let him open his mouth. He'll shut himself down.


This is all very Stephen Colbert, John Stewart, and Conan O'Brien-esque during the writer's strike when they were trying to waste time.
I hope your fight turns out like that.


Calla...he DID have sex with a tranny, albeit unknowingly at the time.


i say lure him towards the red sea. or if it's more convenient the fishing pond at outdoor world & then take out your big jewy staff (i have extras if you need one, just reimburse me for postage) & part said fishing pond. close it up on him moses style & everybody (except tucker) wins!!


Good morning Michael. I enjoyed this blog immensely. It was funny on at least 7 taco layers. And I AM hungry.

So today is YOUR day, Slugger! That's right...it's book releasing day! Which is a lot like tropical bird releasing day. I hope you are celebrating with a chocolate beer, a web cam session chock full of unthinkable things, and an Asian foot massage (which is a lot like a tropical bird foot massage).

Best of luck on your first reading of the tour, it will go famously. Consider your buttocks pinched for "good luck".


The Tucker fans over on his message board think that MIB is gonna wimp out. They think that because he is a skinny and nonathletic comedian then he won't have the guts to get up there and duke it out. I say that Black needs to get training, perhaps with the YMCA's women's self defense program, and show Tucker Max that just because he is physically inferior and less experienced in hand to hand combat that doesn't mean he is a pussy. Lets give Michael our support, we believe in you. Now im off to buy your book


MIB was in NYC on our cw11 morning show today & i told him to go seek out hector roca at gleason's gym. hector's is a famous boxing trainer who has had 16 world champions, among them arturo gatti & iran barkley, and was made more famous by training hillary swank for the movie "$million baby." hector could make rice pudding dangerous.. and enlisting hector's help would definitely put a crimp in tucker's bravado. GO MIB!!!


pretty sure that the Astrodome is/was in Houston....


It's the Superdome. The Astrodome is in Houston,and that's where some of the "refugees" from Katrina were bused to.


Pretty sure the astrodome is actually Dr. Phils head.

Have fun at your reading Michael. I hope that everyone, sitting on blankies on the floor, will listen intently and laugh heartily. I further hope you have a table next to you piled high with books that will go out the door like that ::snap::. And because I love hoping, I also hope you cross your feet up on to said table and lean back in your chair as you read. Maybe even put your arms up behind your head like you're super relaxed and chilled out.

So that's a heap of hoping for one day. So for the rest of the day I'll take a braek from hope and instead, fantasize *about* a young Bob Hope. Or a grown up Opie. (Shush, it's close enough.)


Have you thought of something besides Scrabble with which to best your opponent?
(ps--"pugilist" is worth 48 points if properly placed)

also, I second the Peach Pit idea, that'd be awesome. Or kinda work your way round by round through old TV show sets at Universal or something


I promise to no longer look at that stupid guy's blog but at least there are a lot more comments like this one.

This is so... stupid.

Michael Ian Black was being funny talking shit about Tucker. His entire blog and his entire persona is completely wrapped up in his silly quirky jewiness. So why the hell did Tucker respond as if it was an affront to his manhood? M.I.B's "shit talking" on his blog was obviously tongue in cheek, and it was funny, so who the fuck cares? He's not exploiting Tucker's fame, he's just being silly. AND his subsequent blog entries surrounding the fight have actually been funny whereas Tucker's was just retardedly insecure.

I'm sure you guys are gonna love hearing this.



I say this with all due respect, and as a fan of both of you. I know it started as a joke, but pleasepleaseplease, do this. It's just such a fantastic idea overall that it could become a shining moment in both of your careers and pop culture history in general.
I love the fact that you both have respect for each other and it wouldn't be personal, and I don't really see it as the cheap PR stunt people are making it out to be. But man, that video would be priceless.
And hey, you could end up commenting on your own deal on VH1. I gotta think that'd be nice.


Here's the audio of Michael vs Tucker on 'The 91X Morning Show' from today.




I heard that Mr. Mahoney, you tricky little stinker. But I have to say you are mistaken if you think this is "the kind of thing [Michael's] fans won't let go." It's more like, this is the kind of thing we don't understand why Tucker fans are so crazy about.

I wish you would have pressed Tucker a bit harder about why, as a self-professed funny person, did he take the entry so personally? Why is he so unable to take a joke exactly? Also, I think it's kind of sucky that you didn't spend more time talking about Michael's actual book. Kind of lame.


You are reading my mind Zane. I'm with you.


Jaime, I didn't write that comment , just cut and pasted someone else's statement from Tucker's blog, though I admit it I didn't post it well enough for anyone to clearly "get" that.

I listened to the 91x radio podcast and think that it would be very smart of you, Michael, to do some sort of fight here in San Diego. That way, I can figure out a way to get some roofies and Ketamine into Tucker's Jager Bomb just before the said fight is scheduled to take place, he goes down and you mock-fuck him in the ass-everybody wins!


Also, maybe this is a good lesson about not picking a fight with someone who needs press more than you do.


My vote is for SeaWorld Orlando! I can provide the tickets : )

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