One week from today my new book hits the stores. On that day, July 15th, somebody is going to go crying boo-hoo-hoo home to his mommy. That person is David Sedaris. Together we are going to destroy him.
What happens when you combine "Sedaris" and "destruction?" You get "seduction." That's why today marks the official beginning of the Countdown to Seduction!
Events are being planned all over the world. In Geneva, they are having a cuckoo clock eating contest, in which the world's fastest eaters will gather to see who can the most cuckoo clocks. The catch? Each "cuckoo bird" will be a small replica of Frenchy McStink, the nom de guerre of Mr. David Sedaris.
In the North Korean capital Pyonyang, President Kim Jong-il is celebrating by declaring David Sedaris an "Enemy of the Revolution," whereas I will be given the honorific "Supreme Commander of Culture and Part-Time Disc Jockey."
The Vatican will be holding a special mass to commemorate the Countdown to Seduction, and the pontiff himself will read aloud my essay, "Why I Used A Day-Glo Marker to Color My Dick Yellow." He will read it both in English and in the original Latin.
Wembley Stadium in London will be rocking as Bob Geldof and dozens of rocker friends gather to raise money for David Sedaris' pity party, which he will be holding for himself in his little French cold water flat with his boyfriend Hugh and a stale baguette.
Aboard the International Space Station, a David Sedaris effigy will be launched towards the sun, along with a gift bag containing his collected works. Simultaneously, a UFO will land on the White House lawn and aliens will present President Bush with a copy of my book, the secret to interstellar space travel, AND a coupon for one free back rub.
Ten thousand children from every country in Africa will gather at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro to sing a hymn I've written called, "David Sedaris is Too Out of Shape to Climb Mount Kilimanjaro."
Several surprise guests will rise from the dead in a way that isn't spooky at all. They will tell us all about mysteries of the Great Beyond AND host a barbecue featuring country duo Brooks and Dunn. Door prizes will include – you guessed it – copies of my book.
Finally, a procession of mermaids (topless) will escort three lucky winners to the legendary lost city of Atlantis, where the Blue Man Group will perform a free show. This will have nothing to do with my book, but will be awesome, especially if you've never seen the Blue Man Group before.
Let the Countdown to Seduction BEGIN!