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July 22, 2008

Nobody Can See Pictures of My New Baby!

After seeing the madness surrounding the births of Angelina’s twins and Jessica Alba’s baby and Nicole Richie’s baby and all the other incredibly famous babies out there, I’ve decided to go the other way. Nobody can see pictures of my new baby! I don’t care how much money People/Us/Star magazine throw my way. All of the pictures of my new baby are staying with me. I am keeping the pictures so secret even I am not going to look at them. Furthermore, I am keeping my baby in a box so nobody can sneak into my house and take pictures of the baby. If they try it, all they will get will be pictures of a box. I am not going to describe the box in order to thwart any potential shutterbugs. Also, in order to create further subterfuge, I am going to get a lot of boxes and scatter them all over my house. Only I will know which box contains the baby.

What if the baby makes noise? I’ve thought of that. Inside each box is going to be an MP3 of the baby which will be attached to individual ipods, each of which will be hooked up to Harmon Kardon Bridge II ipod docking stations, which according to their website are “lightweight, small, and attractive.” Perfect for hiding in a box.

I will also spread dirty diapers throughout the house to deter any intruders with bloodhounds from finding the baby. Also, I’ve hired a blind pediatrician. He will not see the baby. Nor will the cleaning lady, who I have instructed to wear a blindfold when she is cleaning. This will probably result in a dirtier house, yes, but what are a few extra dust bunnies compared to the privacy of my child?

Why am I doing all this? I will tell you why: because I am tired of these celebrities exploiting their children to further their own careers and line their own pockets. It really upsets me because I find myself thinking, “How can I get in on this action?”

And then I remembered how frenzied the press became when Tom and Katie didn’t allow Suri to be photographed for months. I thought to myself, “What if I do that, not for months, but for the entire life of my new baby?” How famous would I get if I kept my baby in a box? The answer: very famous. I think this is exactly the move I needed to make in order to graduate from basic cable C Lister to megawatt Hollywood A Lister. At the very least, it seems like I could sell the rights to Lifetime for a movie of the week. Imagine what a great movie that would make – baby grows up in a box so Daddy can become a movie star! Fantastic.

I’ll be honest. My wife is not crazy about this idea. She thinks leaving the baby in a box will be bad for its development. But won’t the joy of my increased fame more than offset any misery associated with my new baby’s developmental problems? Think about it this way – a normal baby isn’t going to get me into Elton John’s Oscar party. But having a baby in a box might.

Maybe you didn't even know I had a new baby. That was on purpose so that the paparazzi wouldn't be camping outside my house waiting to take pictures. Now that the baby is home and safely in its box I am spreading the word.

I've got a baby in a box and nobody can see pictures!

This is going to be great.

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Jaime

Further evidence that you are, indeed, the perfect parent. I applaud you. How you come up with these great techniques, I do not know, but I too am waiting for a version of the "What to expect . . ." books: Michael style! Let us know.

Reen

I like watching your myspace friend count go up. Not sure why that is. I just do.

stm

Great stuff per usual, Mr. Black.

Anybody here know what happened to stellafans.com? It's, like, gone.

Stevo

This is among the best things I've read this month. Keep up the good work Michael.

stevenrice

I am typing this as I poop. Hooray for laptops!

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