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July 22, 2008

Nobody Can See Pictures of My New Baby!

After seeing the madness surrounding the births of Angelina’s twins and Jessica Alba’s baby and Nicole Richie’s baby and all the other incredibly famous babies out there, I’ve decided to go the other way. Nobody can see pictures of my new baby! I don’t care how much money People/Us/Star magazine throw my way. All of the pictures of my new baby are staying with me. I am keeping the pictures so secret even I am not going to look at them. Furthermore, I am keeping my baby in a box so nobody can sneak into my house and take pictures of the baby. If they try it, all they will get will be pictures of a box. I am not going to describe the box in order to thwart any potential shutterbugs. Also, in order to create further subterfuge, I am going to get a lot of boxes and scatter them all over my house. Only I will know which box contains the baby.

What if the baby makes noise? I’ve thought of that. Inside each box is going to be an MP3 of the baby which will be attached to individual ipods, each of which will be hooked up to Harmon Kardon Bridge II ipod docking stations, which according to their website are “lightweight, small, and attractive.” Perfect for hiding in a box.

I will also spread dirty diapers throughout the house to deter any intruders with bloodhounds from finding the baby. Also, I’ve hired a blind pediatrician. He will not see the baby. Nor will the cleaning lady, who I have instructed to wear a blindfold when she is cleaning. This will probably result in a dirtier house, yes, but what are a few extra dust bunnies compared to the privacy of my child?

Why am I doing all this? I will tell you why: because I am tired of these celebrities exploiting their children to further their own careers and line their own pockets. It really upsets me because I find myself thinking, “How can I get in on this action?”

And then I remembered how frenzied the press became when Tom and Katie didn’t allow Suri to be photographed for months. I thought to myself, “What if I do that, not for months, but for the entire life of my new baby?” How famous would I get if I kept my baby in a box? The answer: very famous. I think this is exactly the move I needed to make in order to graduate from basic cable C Lister to megawatt Hollywood A Lister. At the very least, it seems like I could sell the rights to Lifetime for a movie of the week. Imagine what a great movie that would make – baby grows up in a box so Daddy can become a movie star! Fantastic.

I’ll be honest. My wife is not crazy about this idea. She thinks leaving the baby in a box will be bad for its development. But won’t the joy of my increased fame more than offset any misery associated with my new baby’s developmental problems? Think about it this way – a normal baby isn’t going to get me into Elton John’s Oscar party. But having a baby in a box might.

Maybe you didn't even know I had a new baby. That was on purpose so that the paparazzi wouldn't be camping outside my house waiting to take pictures. Now that the baby is home and safely in its box I am spreading the word.

I've got a baby in a box and nobody can see pictures!

This is going to be great.

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Comments

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Nick

if only my parents loved or cared about themselves enough to raise me in a box... bastards.

Preston

second again...

Heather

if only every parent was as loving and protective of there chidren as you are.

You should write a book on parenting next.
I would buy it.

Camille

I see you've thought alot about this. I would be a little skeptical and nervous if I was your wife,too, being that you also enjoy eating babies.

Susanna

I wish *all* parents would keep their babies at home in boxes. This would greatly improve my mall and restaurant experiences.

And, Michael, no matter how tempting it may be, I don't ever want to see your baby for sale down at "Baby in a Jar".

Nicole C

Do you REALLY have a baby or is this some ploy to be come even more "very famous"????

Severed

You can show me your baby, I promise I won't show any paparazzi.

Jenny

Congratulations on the new baby and it's being in a box. I only have one question:

Can I just have one of those ipods? I don't have any ipods. :( If I got one I'd tell people I got it from one of the boxes Michael Ian Black keeps his new baby in. And then people would be all, "What?" And then I'd explain and then they would google this and then people would talk, and then madness would spread and suddenly you're starring in a mega-hit film and writing Oscar speeches. Which I expect to be thanked for in said future speech as a result.

Ian

Dear Michael Ian Black,

I was delighted to see that you are coming to Seattle for your new book, "My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face". I was then undelighted to find that you are here today when I am poor from my recent Vegas money burning party, instead of tomorrow when my superconglomerate employer will pay me for my sins.

With $1.68, I cannot purchase your book this evening and thus, will not be attending...

If I were able to attend tonight I would have brought up a TV appearance you made on a show I was on called Trackers on the Oxygen network years ago. I'm sure that would have been a beautiful moment of nostalgia for the both of us and, from that, we would have become best friends forever.

I do wish you better luck in Seattle than in luxurious Wareham, a town where I've been many times thanks to my father's inexplicable love of dirty accents and unintentional mullets.

Sincerely,
Ian Starr Johnson

Zane

I think a cardboard box is a bit "common". Why not get a bunch of baby coffins instead? They're sooo cute!!!! And when the novelty of having another baby around the house wears thin, you can use one of them to put the whole "Whoops, the condom broke!" nonsense behind you. Practical & no mess.

Ian Starr Johnson

I wonder if they have novelty baby coffins. I remember the KISS Kasket that Gene Simmons was marketing a few years ago. It was not just a "Kasket"... it was also a "Kooler"!!! That is the kind of convenience that makes me want to Shout It Out Loud to Beth that I want to Rock n Roll All Nite, And Party Everyday!

Charlotte

I loved your book it was very funny I was wondering if you'll be coming to the DC area for any signings

Pat Rostkowski

Michael, stay a C-Lister. Don't change, buddy. you just would'nt be funny anymore. You'd be a cog in the machine (which, incidentally sounds like "cock in the machine" which is what you will have when the social stigma dies down over owning female sex robots.) In closing, I have always wanted a fetus in a jar. (This is actually a true statement, all kidding aside) and that chapter devoted to such a product in your book made me laugh so hard, it felt like it was written for me. (It was.) Thank you, Mr. Ian Black. Also, additonally. The end.

Tucker Max Fan

Tucker Max is going to kick your box baby's ass!

Jenny

Or will the box baby kick YOUR ass? Hmmm.

Lindsay

Or you could go one step further and release pictures of the box only! I'm imagining a center spread in OK! with you on a fluffy duvet, lovingly staring at an old Nike shoebox, hooked up to wires and iPod Nanos ... Pandora's Baby Box!! Don't open it America!
You are a genius MIB, a genius.
I'm delurking after finding your blog and being a longtime fan. You were the object of my budding adolescent hormones via The State years ago ... and my sister and I once vowed that we'd enter into a polygymist marriage with you if that was offered and/or necessary. It still stands. Just in case your wife gets too angry about the baby in a box thing ... but I think you're brills.

Lindsay

P.S. Congrats Black family! :)

Reen

Real quick: you know you're one of the featured comedians right? True story. On the home page, the little box keeps switching back and forth between you and some film, you and some film.

I swear, if you and your wife really DO have a new addition to your family and THIS is how you tell your lil internet buddies...?

Ah, just joshin'. I know you're just being a funny guy. That's why we keep you around.

Goooooooodnight!

Saul

I'll trade you five children for a picture of your kid.

Kayla

You gave me a hug tonight, and i'm never washing these clothes/showering/looking-at-another-man again.

Therese

I hopped over here fresh from reading that wonderful interview you graciously did for your fan page.

Speaking as a 'filthy Brit,' I'm still reeling from the revelation that you are oblivious to your desirability. You looked all lovely and fresh-faced and chisel-jawed at the Chicago book signing.

Wait, what's that noise? Ah, it's the sound of a myriad libidos purring...

Guyinthenextcubicleover

Is the baby's name Penelope?

Bella

Babies stack way better this way.

Nickel Jean

I am not a celebrity, but there have been many times I've been tempted to put one of my babies in a box...

doodlefart

i hate you!

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