Ladies, Please Don’t Fuck the Nazis
I have never been one of those people who makes a habit of telling other people what to do, but this time I feel the need to make an exception; ladies, please don’t fuck the Nazis. Believe me, I know all the reasons why you might be tempted. They’re tall. They’re blonde. They’re chiseled. They have the best uniforms. They’re punctual and they keep excellent records. All of that is true, but please don’t fuck the Nazis.
Now look, I know that people have sex with each other all the time despite having political differences, and I would never tell you not to sleep with a Libertarian, for example. Or even a Republican. But when it comes to Nazis, I really think it’s different. Even if he’s a really nice Nazi.
Look, I know how lonely it can get for you ladies. I know that sometimes a little attention can make you feel special, but when it’s coming from a Nazi, I think you have to ask yourself, “Is this really the kind of attention I want?” My guess – probably not.
What happens when your Nazi lover starts talking about killing the gypsies? How you feel when he shares his dream of creating a master race? Or when he greets friends with a Hitler salute? Is the physical pleasure really worth the aggravation and embarrassment? Again – probably not.
I know that just because he’s a Nazi doesn’t mean he can’t also have many redeeming qualities. Maybe he’s a great cook. Or a fantastic father figure to your children from a previous relationship. Maybe he’s a terrific break dancer. All of that might be true, and yet I still believe that the very fact of his membership in the Nazi party should disqualify him from sharing an intimate relationship with you. Ladies, please don’t fuck the Nazis.
Am I saying you can’t ever have sex with a Nazi? Frankly, yes. Even if it’s just a “harmless” one night stand. Why not? Let me answer your question with a question: What are you doing when you have sex with a Nazi?
Answer: encouraging him.
That’s right, simply the act of allowing him to invade your private Poland is encouraging his behavior, and I’m sorry but I personally believe the last thing we should be doing as modern Americans is encouraging the Nazis.
If I’m coming across as a scold or a nag I apologize. Believe me, this is not about passing judgment on anybody (except the Nazis). Instead, I just feel the need to express myself on this very important subject. Now look, nobody’s saying you can’t have a “good time.” Ladies, it is not my place to judge who you sleep with, and I don’t think you need to go around asking every potential lover what his political affiliations are. But use common sense. Look for warning signs. If he’s wearing a swastika on his arm, or if at any time in your conversation he says, “Hitler was right,” then I would probably wish that fellow a good night and find another potential screw.
Ladies, please don’t fuck the Nazis.
FIRSTIES!
Posted by: Camille | July 09, 2008 at 04:46 PM
Damn you, non-signed in Camille....damn you
Posted by: Camille | July 09, 2008 at 04:51 PM
So is a sexually frustrated Nazi worse than one who has been satisfied,yet is now encouraged? That's perplexing!
Posted by: Camille | July 09, 2008 at 04:54 PM
You're going to take a lot of heat for this post, but I'm putting my reputation on the line to stand up and say that I mostly agree with you. (Oral is ok.)
Posted by: Sara | July 09, 2008 at 04:59 PM
First guy to comment!
Posted by: Preston | July 09, 2008 at 05:01 PM
Had to add that I just noticed "someone" is up for Hot Slut of da Month! Vote,people.
http://dlisted.com/node/27050
Posted by: not camille | July 09, 2008 at 05:01 PM
Aw, you're just saying that because your Jewish.
Posted by: Laura | July 09, 2008 at 05:14 PM
If it makes you feel any better, my grandma was going to kill herself and my infant uncle rather than let her private Poland be invaded by Nazis, (should they ever have decided to invade a small rural hamlet in Kent).
It's an example I live by. (plus I don't go much for blondes).
Posted by: Therese | July 09, 2008 at 05:17 PM
I'm not gonna lie, I'd do it. I love blonds with blue eyes. I'm sorry. (My grandma was Jewish too; I'm sure she'd forgive me.)
Posted by: Julie | July 09, 2008 at 05:38 PM
Ah, thank you. An afternoon diversion.
"Ladies please don't fuck the Nazi's" should be made into a sign and posted in various hot spots.
This is most excellent advice, Michael. Someone needed to say it. Why not you? My guess is that Nazi's would be stone cold selfish lovers as well. (Although their
S & M role playing would kinda rock, ya know? Don't you think?)
Agreed Tee. No real man should be blonde if he's in his 30's or so. Dirty, sandy blonde, sure. But platinum surfer boy blonde? I don't THINK so, Highlight Boy. It's all too metro-sexual/Ryan Seacresty, even for a Prissy broad like me.
Posted by: Reen | July 09, 2008 at 05:44 PM
i understand that you don't want women "doing the nasty with the Nazi" but... what about men??
Posted by: Nick | July 09, 2008 at 06:14 PM
Hey Michael you should read this link, it's an article on the new popular trend of using viral marketing via youtube to boost book sales
http://pandemiclabs.com/pandemicblog/2008/07/marketing-books-with-viral-video/
Posted by: Stephen | July 09, 2008 at 06:21 PM
If only I had read this blog 60 years ago...now I'm just dealing with a case of "too little, too late".
Posted by: Susanna | July 09, 2008 at 06:41 PM
"Invade your private Poland" is my new favorite euphemism. If I were a guy I'd use it as a pick-up line, but alas I am a lady.
Posted by: me again | July 09, 2008 at 07:33 PM
..But I like the Nazi's.
Posted by: Lauren | July 09, 2008 at 08:42 PM
How about Ralph Fiennes as the amoral Nazi concentration camp commandant Amon Goeth in Schindler's List? Does he count?
Posted by: Zane | July 09, 2008 at 08:43 PM
I'm with Lauren. Nazis rock my world! Literally.
Posted by: Fraggle | July 09, 2008 at 09:44 PM
I don't know, man. If he's a break dancer....
Of course I'm kidding. I don't fly that way. And by that, I mean the Nazi way.
Posted by: Selena | July 09, 2008 at 11:09 PM
Yeah, what about Edward Norton via American History X too, all shirtless and swastika'd and reformed. With his morals and muscles. Gah! Still stay away?
Is it like ethical herpes? Keep your distance because you never know when the symptomatic gypsy-killing sores will come back? Like they could have a spontaneous genocide outbreak anytime?
If so, I suppose I have a phone call to make. Sorry Derek. Your reform means nothing to me! MIB has spoken.
Posted by: Jaime | July 10, 2008 at 12:59 AM
I just got home from a concert to discover my copy of My Custom Van waiting for me in the mail. I'm confused. Thrilled, of course, but confused.
Posted by: Melissa | July 10, 2008 at 02:58 AM
Once you go Nazi you never go back. (I heard that once...or was it something else???)
Posted by: Guyinthenextcubicleover | July 10, 2008 at 11:58 AM
Woah.
Somebody didn't listen:
http://gawker.com/tag/lawsuits/?i=5023896&t=nazi-orgy-lawsuit-may-kill-uk-gossip-industry
Posted by: me again | July 10, 2008 at 02:13 PM
::Hitler Solute:: ...in recognition, of course.
Posted by: Amanda Greene | July 10, 2008 at 11:49 PM
not even Nazi Daniel Craig in the god awful movie The Power of One? He had a weird Nazi haircut and all...but I mean since he was James Bond later on that means he's not a Nazi, right?
Posted by: Lauren | July 11, 2008 at 12:17 AM
What if he only might've been a Nazi had he been born in the homeland in say, 1920?
Ooh, and he's a Libertarian too.
"Private Poland"...oh I need to work that in conversation at the pool this summer -- but how?
Posted by: Felicia | July 11, 2008 at 11:29 PM