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July 2008

July 31, 2008

Come See Michael & Michael Have Issues

Here's the official info. Please note that the person who wrote this does not know how to spell "Michael."

Micheal Ian Black and Micheal Showalter
will be filming their new pilot for Comedy Central
"Michael and Michael Have Issues"
on August 8th at AMV Studios
on 57th Street in Manhattan

Come and be a part of their exclusive audience!
        SEE IT LIVE!

To attend this exclusive MICHAEL AND MICHAELL HAVE ISSUES show on FRIDAY,

If you are interested in being part of this MICHAEL AND MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES
SHOW, please email us at michaelandmichael@broadwayvideo.com with the
following information in both the subject line and body of your email:

1.M&M/Your full name
2. Your email address (one which will not "spam" out our reply to you and
one which you check frequently.)
3. Your phone number(s)
4. 2 tickets is the maximum number we can allow per request.
6. Do you consider yourself a big Michael and Michael  fan -- tell us in one
quick sentence why we should pick you.)

Example: M&M/ joan rivers/ facelifer@aol.com  /(212) 555-1212 /2 tickets/old
enough to be their grandmother but love their comedy and I know they would
apprciate my surgeries...

We will contact you via email with a detailed ticket confirmation if there
are tickets available.  You should hear from us within a day of your request
but at latest by THURSDAY August  7th 2008 by 2PM.  PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL US

ISSUES. We will be forced to remove you from our list of free television
events if you are confirmed for tickets and do not attend.  Thanks for

Michael and Micheal can't wait to explore their issues in front of a live

July 30, 2008

Blogging/ My Super Bike

If you’re wondering why I haven’t been blogging the past couple days it’s because I’ve been very busy working on my new television show with Michael Showalter. What is it? It’s basically a show where Michael and I do sketches and argue with each other. Would you like to come and see us tape it? You can. How? Information will be posted here very shortly.

Also, as many of you know, I race dirt bikes on the weekend. This weekend was a big race in Big Sur, California, so I had to fly out there with my super bike. I ride a 350cc Kawasaki custom Megafuck 3000. A lot of people have never heard of the Megafuck line of motorcycles, mainly because no television station or magazine will allow Kawasaki to advertise this product due to its name and because the handlebars are shaped like big erect dicks. It’s a very popular bike on the dirt bike racing circuit though because of its great design, excellent handling, and superb reliability. Why they chose to outfit such a fine motorcycle with potentially offensive dick-shaped handlebars and a muffler that belches viscous white fluid that looks like jizz is beyond me. And then on top of everything, to call it “Megafuck?” This seems like a terrible marketing decision on somebody’s part. What’s odd about all of this is that the Japanese are usually so conservative, and yet this sexually explicit motorcycle somehow survived Kawasaki’s corporate infrastructure to become the best/ most offensive motorcycle I have ever owned.

How did I do in the race? I lost.

July 26, 2008

Fishing Advice

Yesterday I went fishing for wild steelhead on the Deschutes River up in Maupin, Oregon. It’s a beautiful spot, and I was sure I’d return with a whole mess of fishies. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The mistake I think I made was choosing to bring a gun instead of a fishing pole. The gun was a Nighthawk Custom 10-8 combat pistol, and while it’s a great option for the military or police, it’s a decidedly terrible choice when it comes to recreational fishing.

In hindsight, this probably should have been obvious to me, as all my previous attempts to shoot fish out of the water have been a failure. Even so, I am stubborn, and I suppose I thought this time might be different. It wasn’t. I spent hours silently trolling the river looking for the perfect fishing spot, gauging wind and water temperature, attempting to use my fishermen’s sixth sense to determine where the steelhead might be lurking. Finally I found the spot, a little eddy on the north side of Mount Thielsen. There I found a huge school of hungry fish just waiting to be caught. Well, let me tell you something: as soon as I opened fire on those fuckers, they swam away, never to be seen again. All that work for nothing.

Fucking fish.

Some experienced fishermen might think my efforts to shoot fish with a handgun are misguided. Well those fishermen can suck my dick. Just because something hasn’t worked in the past doesn’t mean it can’t work now. The Nighthawk is a terrific pistol specifically designed for close quarter combat. What could be closer combat than fishing? In retrospect, I don’t think the mistake I made was bringing the gun; it was not bringing enough ammo. I unloaded all nine clips into the river within about a minute. This required some very fast shooting on my part! The law of average states that if I fire enough bullets, eventually one of them is going to hit a fish. The problem: not enough bullets.


                                 (My fishing pole)

Also, shooting a gun is a lot more fun than sitting in a boat with some string attached to a pole. I know a lot of guys who have fished in the traditional way all day and came back with exactly as many fish as I did: zero. The difference? I had a blast (pun intended), and they just sat out there “in nature.” If I wanted to hang out in nature, I would do it from the comfort of my living room.

The other advantage of using a gun for fishing is that you don’t have to dig up worms, which are scary. Fishermen may tell you that they enjoy hooking their lines with grubs and night crawlers, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret: worms are really creepy even to fishermen. They just act like they’re not because they don’t want to be called pussies. But no matter what anybody says, in their heart of hearts, even hardened fishermen know that all bugs are creepy and scary. They just won’t admit it.

So it was a bad day on the Deschutes. I ran out of bullets and I didn’t shoot any fish, but I did accidentally wing a hiker, which normally would be a terrible tragedy but he went down so fast I don’t think he had any idea what hit him, and I got the hell out of there before anybody saw what happened, so I think I’m in the clear.

July 24, 2008

If You Love Hilarious Things...

Check out my dear friend Kerri Kenney-Silver's new website, Dame Delilah's Fantasy Ranch and Gift Shoppe.


Of course she plays a whore, but like all the best whores, she's got a heart of gold. People often ask me if Kerri herself displays any whorish tendencies. No she does not. She is however very loose in the vag. Not because she's whorish, but because she had a very big baby and was too lazy to do her Kegel exercises.

July 23, 2008

Henceforth, I Shall Be Known as “New York Times Best-Selling Author Michael Ian Black (Very Famous)”

Yes, it’s a mouthful, but that is my new name. Why? Because in two weeks time I will officially join Bob Woodward and Tori Spelling as a New York Times Best-Selling author. The call came today when I was working with my friend Michael Showalter on a sketch about the word “cunt.” In other words, sometimes life imitates art.

On August 3rd, when the best-seller list becomes official, I will be at number seventeen, which is a terrible number to be. Why? Because the cut-off for the list that they actually print in the newspaper is either fifteen or sixteen. But never seventeen. So I am not going to be in the actual newspaper, but rather I have been ghettoized to the “expanded list,” which is still the best-seller list but does not have the prestigious sheen of the printed version. In poker terms, I am the “bubble boy.” In early John Travolta film terms, I am the “Boy In The Bubble” boy.

                      (Seventeen is kind of good and kind of bullshit)

Therefore, I have a new goal. TO MAKE THE TOP FIFTEEN!!! To accomplish this, I am going to need your help. How can you help? By buying my fucking book. I have practically been on my hands and knees begging for your support, and while some of you heard my clarion call, still others (and I know who you are) have dithered, perhaps thinking to yourself, “I don’t have enough money to eat AND buy the book.” Bullshit. Let me ask you a question: how long does a good meal fill your belly? A few hours, perhaps. How long does a good book fill your brain? For a lifetime, motherfuckers! For a motherfucking lifetime.

When you don’t feed your brain, what happens? You turn into a zombie. And I think we can all agree that we have enough problems with zombies as it is.

Now look, I wouldn’t tell you to buy the book if it weren’t fantastic, but it is. I know how tough times are out there, (Obviously since I’m a celebrity I don’t really know, but when I was getting my make-up put on for one of my many television appearances I heard somebody talking about it and it almost made me upset.) but when times are tough, laughter is the sweetest medicine. And cash. Actually, I would put cash ahead of laughter, but laughter is a close second. I might also put a strong support system ahead of laughter, which would knock laughter down to third, but again, I think it’s a close third. Just buy the fucking book.

New York Times Best-Selling Author Michael Ian Black (Very Famous)

July 22, 2008

Nobody Can See Pictures of My New Baby!

After seeing the madness surrounding the births of Angelina’s twins and Jessica Alba’s baby and Nicole Richie’s baby and all the other incredibly famous babies out there, I’ve decided to go the other way. Nobody can see pictures of my new baby! I don’t care how much money People/Us/Star magazine throw my way. All of the pictures of my new baby are staying with me. I am keeping the pictures so secret even I am not going to look at them. Furthermore, I am keeping my baby in a box so nobody can sneak into my house and take pictures of the baby. If they try it, all they will get will be pictures of a box. I am not going to describe the box in order to thwart any potential shutterbugs. Also, in order to create further subterfuge, I am going to get a lot of boxes and scatter them all over my house. Only I will know which box contains the baby.

What if the baby makes noise? I’ve thought of that. Inside each box is going to be an MP3 of the baby which will be attached to individual ipods, each of which will be hooked up to Harmon Kardon Bridge II ipod docking stations, which according to their website are “lightweight, small, and attractive.” Perfect for hiding in a box.

I will also spread dirty diapers throughout the house to deter any intruders with bloodhounds from finding the baby. Also, I’ve hired a blind pediatrician. He will not see the baby. Nor will the cleaning lady, who I have instructed to wear a blindfold when she is cleaning. This will probably result in a dirtier house, yes, but what are a few extra dust bunnies compared to the privacy of my child?

Why am I doing all this? I will tell you why: because I am tired of these celebrities exploiting their children to further their own careers and line their own pockets. It really upsets me because I find myself thinking, “How can I get in on this action?”

And then I remembered how frenzied the press became when Tom and Katie didn’t allow Suri to be photographed for months. I thought to myself, “What if I do that, not for months, but for the entire life of my new baby?” How famous would I get if I kept my baby in a box? The answer: very famous. I think this is exactly the move I needed to make in order to graduate from basic cable C Lister to megawatt Hollywood A Lister. At the very least, it seems like I could sell the rights to Lifetime for a movie of the week. Imagine what a great movie that would make – baby grows up in a box so Daddy can become a movie star! Fantastic.

I’ll be honest. My wife is not crazy about this idea. She thinks leaving the baby in a box will be bad for its development. But won’t the joy of my increased fame more than offset any misery associated with my new baby’s developmental problems? Think about it this way – a normal baby isn’t going to get me into Elton John’s Oscar party. But having a baby in a box might.

Maybe you didn't even know I had a new baby. That was on purpose so that the paparazzi wouldn't be camping outside my house waiting to take pictures. Now that the baby is home and safely in its box I am spreading the word.

I've got a baby in a box and nobody can see pictures!

This is going to be great.

The Amount of Soap They Give You at the Ritz Carlton in Chicago

If you’re wondering how much soap they give you at the Ritz Carlton in Chicago, I can answer: too much. They give you far more soap than you can possibly use during one stay. That’s how you know it’s a fancy hotel. Most hotels give you those little hotel soaps that are about as big as a fun-size Mr. Goodbar, and honestly, that's a good size for a soap you are probably going to use, at most, twice. But the Ritz Carlton gives you two big blocks of fancy L'Occitane “vegetable soap.” I’m not sure what vegetables the soap is made from, nor why they feel the need to say that it’s made from vegetables, other than perhaps that’s their subtle way of trying to tell me that other soaps are made from meat, which I hope is not true. Didn’t they used to make soap from whale? Have I been washing with whale soap my whole life and didn’t know it? If that’s true I’m going to be very upset because I have donated a lot of money to various groups attempting to save whales over the years, and if I have been undermining my own efforts by using whales to clean my pits this whole time, I am going to feel seriously hoodwinked.

I actually felt guilty taking my morning shower because I knew while unwrapping the giant soap that it was mostly going to go to waste. Then I thought, maybe not. Maybe they reuse the soap for other guests. Maybe they wrap it back up and nobody is the wiser. Wouldn’t the soap still be clean? I think so. After all, it’s soap.

I would prefer it if they offered a smaller soap size. There’s no reason why it couldn’t still be fancy. For example, each soap could be small, but hand-carved into a whimsical animal shape. That would be good. Think about it. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to start your day by washing off with a frolicking Shetland pony soap? Or a laughing baby orangutan? I remember as a kid how fun it was to pick out the different shapes from a box of animal crackers. Simply translate that idea to hand-crafted vegetable soaps and I think you can begin to see the potential here. Plus, there’s also an opportunity to do some good here. Not only would this idea save soap, but it could provide employment for scores of poor children in Third World villages. Imagine the pride those kids could take in carving tigers and iguanas for the enjoyment of dirty Americans. [Note: send this idea to Jimmy Carter.]

Anyway, I ended up taking an extra long shower so that I could use up as much of that fancy soap as possible knowing that if I didn’t use it, the hotel would most likely not reuse it, and it would just end up in the pocket of the chambermaid. Why should she get the soap? I’m the one who paid for the room, not her!

Actually I didn’t pay for the room. Simon & Schuster did. And they pass the cost on to you, the consumer. So really, you paid for the room, and I didn’t think you would want the chambermaid to take my unused soap, especially because the chambermaid most likely can’t even afford to buy one of my books, which makes it doubly wrong that she should get my soap.

When I got done washing, I decided to see if the vegetable soap tasted like vegetables. Knowing that soap usually tastes terrible, I took the tiniest nibble. The answer to my question was immediately apparent. No. It did not taste like vegetables. Just as I suspected it would, it tasted like whale, and I ended up eating the whole thing. Then I put the other bar in my tote bag and ate it on the plane to Seattle. When the passenger next to me commented that my snack smelled delicious, I said, "Thank you." When he asked me what it was, I just smiled and said, "I'll give you a hint. You use it to wash your balls." That pretty much ended the conversation.

July 20, 2008

My Favorite Comments Regarding My Post, "I'm Gonna Kick Tucker Max's Ass."

Tucker is going to crush you. This shit is great.

Yeah I agree, bro you are a vh1 pussy to the max. Your ass is grass.

micheal you are a dead man tucker is gonna be shit-housed drunk and beat the shit out of you.you better start making doctors appointment right about now

All this makes me want to not read Michael Ian Blacks book- Tucker Max fans must stand against this pussy and his queerbag book.

Were you born a disgusting piece of slimy amphibious shit or did you have to work at it? Go climb up a rope Mikey and please for Tucker and everyone else fall face first.

Continue reading "My Favorite Comments Regarding My Post, "I'm Gonna Kick Tucker Max's Ass." " »

Please Tell Your Friends and Review

Hey book-buying friends,

I posted this once before but I thought I would do it again since I have a lot of new readers due to my promised ass thrashing of Tucker Max. If you bought my book and enjoyed it, please take the time to post a glowing review on Amazon. If you read it and hated it, you can skip the review.



I’ve spent the last couple days in Boston, where I did a book signing and ate a steak. The steak was better than the book signing. They put me in a brand new Borders in the town of Wareham, which is about forty five minutes South of Boston proper. This was their Grand Opening Weekend, which was incredibly exciting, as evidenced by the tens of people in the store. There were events scheduled throughout the weekend, and I was sandwiched between a cake decorating class and a Fancy Nancy dress-up party for little girls. Later in the day I’m told some storm troopers were going to show up, although it was unclear to me whether these were going to be storm troopers from the “Star Wars” films or from the Third Reich. Either way, it sounded pretty cool.

They put me at a table in the front of the store so when people entered they could see a guy sitting by himself at a table surrounded by unsold copies of his book. This did not do much to bolster my self-confidence. On the other hand, it gave me the opportunity to practice saying, “Welcome to Borders,” which is what I anticipate myself doing in the near future if I can’t get something off the ground.

Apparently this new Borders was a “concept store.” The concept, as best as I could tell, was that it looked like every other Borders store. No, I was told when I mentioned this to the store manager, this Borders has a new color scheme and wavy book tables. Yes, wavy book tables instead of straight-edged book tables. That way, when browsing books, customers can experience the slight nausea associated with cruising on an ocean liner. When I asked if the new concept included nausea, the store manager said it did not.

I was scheduled to be there from 2:00-3:00, but the meager line of people waiting to get their books signed was pretty exhausted by 2:15, even though I wrote very long inscriptions in people’s books so I could extend the illusion of there actually being a line as much as possible. Sample inscription in a book:

“Hi, (fill in name here). Thanks so much for taking the time to come to the Borders here at Wareham today to come see me. That was really nice of you, especially considering this store is in the middle of nowhere. I hope you don’t get a disease. Your pal, Michael Ian Black”

In retrospect, I probably didn’t need to write that I hope the person doesn’t get a disease because I think it’s commonly understood most people hope the people they’re speaking with don’t get a disease. The only time to write anything about diseases at all is if you feel the opposite, in which case you might write, “I hope you do get a disease,” but that would be a horrible thing to write to somebody who just bought my book.