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July 13, 2008

I’m Going to Kick Tucker Max’s Ass

David Spedaris is old news. I am currently trouncing Spedaris in the humor category and in the category of “Who is the hot slut of the month?” I think the pressure was too much for him and he has retreated to his chateau and his baguettes and his coterie of fawning admirers on NPR. Au revoir, Monsieur McStink. So now with that pipsqueak out of the way, I train my sights on the great white whale of Amazon’s humor category, Tucker Max, who has been dominating this list since I began tracking it several weeks ago.

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Who is Tucker Max? According to the back cover of his book: “My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.”

This is going to be difficult: I think I like Tucker Max.

It’s hard not to like a guy who so consistently throws up on himself. Literature has a long list of lovable alcoholic scamps who embarrass themselves and act like pigs. Judy Blume, for example.

I have always had a special fondness for assholes who know they are assholes and fully embrace their assholeness. It’s sort of how I acted when I was in high school, minus the alcohol and sleeping with girls. So, in retrospect, I guess it’s not how I acted. In fact, now that I think about it, I fucking hated the guys who acted like that. The only difference between Tucker Max and those guys is that those guys didn’t keep blogs. Would I have liked them if they had? If they were good writers, perhaps.

But still. Regardless of whether or not I like Tucker Max, he is still the enemy and I would very much like to cut off his balls and choke him with them (metaphorically speaking).

How do I do that?

I’ve already played out the whole literary feud thing. It worked well, but now it’s over. So what about a real feud? What if I challenge Tucker Max to a fist fight?

Here’s what I’m thinking:

I cannot beat up Tucker Max. I know that. He used to be some kind of athlete and in his pictures he looks like he’s in decent shape. I, on the other hand, can barely stand upright for more than twenty minutes at a time. The last time I threw a punch was also the last time I got my ass kicked. I was eleven. Her name was Kara, and she took karate.

But if Tucker is half the alcoholic that he claims to be, I might have a chance. I’m counting on a couple things going my way. First of all, I’m hoping he shows up to the fight drunk. If his book is to be believed, that’s pretty much all he does, right? So why would he abstain from booze for a fight with a fey VH1 commentator? He wouldn’t. In fact, my strategy is to schedule the fight for eight in the morning, when he will either still be drunk from the night before or completely hung over. Either way that levels the playing field somewhat.

Second, even though he looks like he’s in good shape, his liver has to be a mess. If I can get a couple good shots to the liver, I might do enough damage to that organ that all the toxins that have been accumulating in there for the last decade or so spill into his bloodstream, killing him. Yes, I think I could actually kill Tucker Max. At the very least, I might accelerate his inevitable cirrhosis, which may not win the battle, but will eventually win the war (when he dies from liver failure).

So Tucker Max, you drunk, misogynistic motherfucker – I am officially calling you OUT! I am going to fist fuck every hole in your boozy little body until you crawl away like the sniveling little bitch that you are. YOU’RE DEAD!

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                                              (Dead.)

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Fauni

This will probably result in headtrauma for one team and a hangover for the other.

Todd

You seriously have no clue what you are talking about. But whatever helps sell books huh... Tucker Max is going to hatefuck you. and you only have yourself to thank for that.

congratulations... you ran your mouth, and are probably too much of a pussy to actually back your words. Why on earth would you damage your image like this?

Poondog

tucker max will destroy you all.. VH1 is for pussies and tit sucking faggots. tucker max for president.

John

Wow Michael Ian Black you are an idiot if you knew anything about Tucker Max you would know that he wont step down. Tucker Max has accept the fight you better be ready to fight him.

This is how I see it going down

1. You fight him and he beats the hell outta you.

2. You chicken out and get ridiculed even more than ever by everyone for pussin out.

TuckerEatsManAss

Tucker Max RAN AWAY from a fight with Cloud Starchaser. Cloud weighed about 90 lbs. Tucker Max is a huge pussy as well as a complete liar. His shit is completely made up and Dopey & Anthony made him look like a fool on their lame radio show.

Gram Man

Michaels a dead man.

CBUS

Well dickheads....tucker accepted and agreed to the terms.....i hope you don't think your hero really has a chance though.....get the fuck out of here with that shit.

Patrick

Tucker Max is going to stomp your face in.

J5

Michael, Not a smart move.. this little joke your trying to pull just got serious and you will.. get your ass beat possibly be the laughing stock of the media along with boosting tuckers ratings.. GOOD JOB!

J5

Michael, Not a smart move.. this little joke your trying to pull just got serious and you will.. get your ass beat possibly be the laughing stock of the media along with boosting tuckers ratings.. GOOD JOB!

Frank

You have no idea what you have gotten yourself into, you raging pussy.

Pru

I am puzzled, Frank: how do pussies rage? I mean, if we're talking about kitty cats it's pretty obvious. But female genitalia? Since I can only conclude you're one of Tucker's date-rape-y fans, you must have considerable experience with raging pussy -- only it's raging at you. Whether for unauthorized invasions, STDs, or simple inability on your part to "fill the bill," so to speak, is anyone's guess.

tanneken

Ignore Tucker Max. Anonymity is his greatest fear, obscurity his fitting punishment for his absolutely horrific misogyny. It is a crying shame to bring further attention to a rapist sack of hate like him.

Lucas

Dude you cool as shit, but your ass is going to get beat down by tucker. You will still be cool, just a cool gimp. And since you will be a gimp, you have to start wearing leather.

yet again

your a fucking idiot.
tucker max will beat your ass
and its funny that you are scheduling a fight at 8 in the morning to have an advantage.
he's gonna beat you drunk,hungover,or totally sober.
your a jackass

Josh

Michael, I used to have respect for you. You were pretty funny on VH1. You can now make your death wish, because it's extremely unwise to call out a belligerent asshole. He, according to his myspace page, is accepting. He even offered to show up drunk and sacrifice his next big payday if he is defeated.

You don't stand a chance, Michael. He fighting you would be like Kimbo Slice fighting a small child.

Michael

as one michael to another, i think you should do it. win or lose, you get to meet a pretty cool guy and probably get to come away with a black eye. and a vomited on shirt. But yeah it would be hilarious if you threw down with him.

Brittany

Tucker would so whoop you! Pathetic way to get attention...

Wayland

Maybe it'll be on the DVD extras of his MOVIE. You made a mistake dude. He accepted both on his blog and in these comments. Bad move on your part. Not only will you be forgotten after this fight but he will be more famous.

Yocean

Cool, all the deuche are coming out of the bushes, now the chance to carpet bomb them and make them realize that human as species did not ascend where they are (or descend, whatever the preference) with muscles.

this will be fun for all of us Smart-Ass, because what would happen is either:

a) The fight does not happen and not comprehending the irony of situation, the corrective deuche anger level turn them all purple with stress and we get to see the Great Deuche Head Explosion Exragavanza of 2008.

b) Douche Ultimo wins the fight and all the douche either choke on their Cum of Joy or go postal with Sudden and Unnatural Extreme euphoria.

c)The Sucker punch works somehow and the douche goes down in his vomit and pee and shit. The followers follow suits and drunk themselves to death, like the mindless drunk Lemmings they are.

Either way, the world would be a better place for this act. Jesus would be proud.

btw, not once did I use Thesaurus to write this. I only once googled Lemmings for spelling. See, when you actually have good functioning mind, you don't really need it. Though it's always good to do the research. Comprehendo?

rachel

team tucker bitches

Pru

Rachel said, "team tucker bitches."

Yes. Yes they do.

Or did you misplace a comma? Don't get me wrong. I'm surprised enough as it is that Tucker's fans can even chew gum, drink beer, fart and walk without imploding, or at least developing a killer case of anal fissures.

C

I would seriously love to see this. Please sell the DVD.
And remember, Tucker has freakishly small hands. That information may be of some use to you.

Trott Felipe

I agree; reading about the fight is going to be a lot better than whatever actually happens. Kind of like the rest of Max's stories. Hey-oh!

Josh

If you honestly have to sit and think about what angles you have to beat Tucker up, then you are gonna die not Tucker! He will prob. kick your ass.

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