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July 13, 2008

I’m Going to Kick Tucker Max’s Ass

David Spedaris is old news. I am currently trouncing Spedaris in the humor category and in the category of “Who is the hot slut of the month?” I think the pressure was too much for him and he has retreated to his chateau and his baguettes and his coterie of fawning admirers on NPR. Au revoir, Monsieur McStink. So now with that pipsqueak out of the way, I train my sights on the great white whale of Amazon’s humor category, Tucker Max, who has been dominating this list since I began tracking it several weeks ago.

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Who is Tucker Max? According to the back cover of his book: “My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.”

This is going to be difficult: I think I like Tucker Max.

It’s hard not to like a guy who so consistently throws up on himself. Literature has a long list of lovable alcoholic scamps who embarrass themselves and act like pigs. Judy Blume, for example.

I have always had a special fondness for assholes who know they are assholes and fully embrace their assholeness. It’s sort of how I acted when I was in high school, minus the alcohol and sleeping with girls. So, in retrospect, I guess it’s not how I acted. In fact, now that I think about it, I fucking hated the guys who acted like that. The only difference between Tucker Max and those guys is that those guys didn’t keep blogs. Would I have liked them if they had? If they were good writers, perhaps.

But still. Regardless of whether or not I like Tucker Max, he is still the enemy and I would very much like to cut off his balls and choke him with them (metaphorically speaking).

How do I do that?

I’ve already played out the whole literary feud thing. It worked well, but now it’s over. So what about a real feud? What if I challenge Tucker Max to a fist fight?

Here’s what I’m thinking:

I cannot beat up Tucker Max. I know that. He used to be some kind of athlete and in his pictures he looks like he’s in decent shape. I, on the other hand, can barely stand upright for more than twenty minutes at a time. The last time I threw a punch was also the last time I got my ass kicked. I was eleven. Her name was Kara, and she took karate.

But if Tucker is half the alcoholic that he claims to be, I might have a chance. I’m counting on a couple things going my way. First of all, I’m hoping he shows up to the fight drunk. If his book is to be believed, that’s pretty much all he does, right? So why would he abstain from booze for a fight with a fey VH1 commentator? He wouldn’t. In fact, my strategy is to schedule the fight for eight in the morning, when he will either still be drunk from the night before or completely hung over. Either way that levels the playing field somewhat.

Second, even though he looks like he’s in good shape, his liver has to be a mess. If I can get a couple good shots to the liver, I might do enough damage to that organ that all the toxins that have been accumulating in there for the last decade or so spill into his bloodstream, killing him. Yes, I think I could actually kill Tucker Max. At the very least, I might accelerate his inevitable cirrhosis, which may not win the battle, but will eventually win the war (when he dies from liver failure).

So Tucker Max, you drunk, misogynistic motherfucker – I am officially calling you OUT! I am going to fist fuck every hole in your boozy little body until you crawl away like the sniveling little bitch that you are. YOU’RE DEAD!

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                                              (Dead.)

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Jaime

Holy crap -- one of Tucker's goons is named Jamie. That is no good.

I must point out, for the sake of not getting us confused, that you must notice the spelling difference. _I_ was named after the Bionic Woman Ja_I_me Sommers (and not Jam, JAMie. Yeah, I went there). _I_ make "nanananana" sounds when I run and have a hard on for Steve Austin. _I_ recognize comedic genius when I see/hear it. Clearly, I am much more awesome, and, thusly, why I back Black and vomit when my commenting doppleganger says "Anyways" and "baboons." ("Baboobs" is much classier).

I sit agape at the knowledge that any woman (man? I don't know) could second guess the intensity of Michael's genius or prefer that T(f)ucker slug. That is not JaIme. That is JAMie. Not to be confused.

(JAMie -- I feel dirty sharing 5 letters with you -- Baboob.)

patrick

micheal you are a dead man tucker is gonna be shit-housed drunk and beat the shit out of you.you better start making doctors appointment right about now

Bo

Kick his drunk ass.

Uptown Again

I'd put a hundred down right now on Tucker dropping Michael within twenty seconds if I thought this would actually happen. However, I think Michael is not strong enough to his own words to follow through. While I am a fan of his work dating back to The State, I don't believe he is man enough to fight.

Which sucks for him, because he called someone out who accepted his challenge and plans on kicking his ass.

Now, he's either going to get his balls handed to him, and humiliated, or be haunted by the Rudius community, who will shame him relentlessly until he capitulates and names himself a giant pussy. This group has already nationally humiliated fakes & posers beforehand; should someone interject themself into the mix, and not follow through on his word, will only infuriate them.

Michael, best to just step up and get it over with. Fifty that it's a right cross for the knockout.

diana

Fuck you Michael Ian Black! You're absolutely incredibly stupid if you think you can beat TUCKER MAX, literary speaking and physically speaking...even mentally... you should just forget it, there's no way you'll win; isn't there any other way you can make publicity for yourself?

Sara

I love love love both Tucker Max (do check him out if you haven't heard of him, he's hilarious) and Mr. Black and I can't wait to put the latter's work on my bookshelf next to 'I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell'.

Please be gentle with him Tucker.

Good luck to you Michael Ian Black. As much as I'd love to see you come out like David (NOT SEDARIS) vs. Goliath and reap the sweet, sweet rewards being offered, I'm afraid the chances are slim. Good luck, and God speed.

adam gaines

tucker is gonna beat the hell out of you dude, and if he doesn't i'm sure his buddy hate will come finish the job either way your fucked

jon

you two fighting will still not beat sedaris he is on top of new york times and i just checked and hes on top of amazon too

calla

Tucker Max has a lisp. I can't imagine getting my ass stomped by a guy with a lisp. seriously.

I still can't figure out why he went on Opie and Anthony a few years ago. My perception of him went out the window after watching this:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=zc27DX7qRT0

It's embarassing to watch a goober being owned by a few hacks. heh.

Jaime

People, have you not heard of a metaphor? Well, clearly Mr. Max don't do anything so high falutin'. So, let me interpret:

"Tucker Max, you drunk, misogynistic – I am officially [literarily] calling you OUT! I am going to [metaphorically] fist fuck every hole in your boozy little body until you crawl away like the sniveling little bitch that you are. YOU’RE [comedically] DEAD!"

See? Mystery solved. Now go play your Xbox before your Rohypnol dealer shows up at 4:20. Huh huh, I said 4:20.

Pru

What's a VH 1 pussy? Is that like a pussy who takes on only soft, white suburban penii? Sure, maybe they have an "Urban" block on occasion, but basically, does the VH 1 pussy cater mostly to SUV driving, beer-drinking folk who spend their wild nights watching sports from the bar at Applebees? Inquiring minds...

Pru

Jaime said, "People, have you not heard of a metaphor?"

Honey, homunculi don't DO metaphor. That would require passing middle school English.

Stasi C

your going down home fry... tucker max can and will beat your ass drunk as hell & laughing the whole time. i can't wait to read about you getting your ass kicked and the possibility of it being taped to watch over and over again! the funny thing is tucker didn't have to use anyone as a platform to launch his book, you on the other hand have to use tucker to get attention for your book. pathetic!

Pru

I don't think your name is Stasi. I bet the East German Secret Police (prior to the fall of the Wall) knew how to use capital letters when they wrote pointless, unfunny messages on blogs.

Jenn

Micheal you cant possibly be serious about an actual fight! Tucker Max is Amazing I would assume the alcohol would make him go crazy on your ass.. I imagine Tucker Max fights like how he has sex.. Hard and rough to get the job done!

Oh and anyone that hasn't read his book you need to his personal stories are Funnier than anything I've seen come from Micheal Ian Black!

hickey

All this makes me want to not read Michael Ian Blacks book- Tucker Max fans must stand against this pussy and his queerbag book.

hatebobbarker

id pay to see this, could be the funniest thing ever.

Andrew H.

I find you a funny comedian but I'm a huge Tucker Max fan. Seriously though, Michael Ian Black is going to fight the great Tucker Max? Hey Mr. Black, the next VH1 show you'll be on is I Love an Ass-beating.

da grizz

wow johnny blue jeans is going to be black and blue

StJimmy1982

Were you born a disgusting piece of slimy amphibious shit or did you have to work at it? Go climb up a rope Mikey and please for Tucker and everyone else fall face first.

R Man

Yeah...Tucker is gonna fuck you up.

Manic Mommy

Where can we get in on the action. I wanna piece of the action!

Somethingofagod

You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell, my boy Tucker is going to crucify you. It will be unpleasant.

Allen

GO TUCKER MAX!!!

Fauni

This will probably result in headtrauma for one team and a hangover for the other.

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