I Just Got a Shitload of "Beta Fireworks"
Happy Fourth of July, everybody. Tomorrow is the day our nation celebrates our independence by eating grilled meat and blowing stuff up. Boy am I excited. I just bought a shitload of firewords and I cannot wait to set them off. Yes, I got firecrackers and cherry bombs. Yes, I got M-80s. Yes, I got dazzlers and whippers and German Schnauzers. I also got some yip daddies, cocobongos, and flashbang wiggle worms. And because I am such a loyal customer to the particular fireworks emporium where I made my purchases, I also got some fireworks that aren’t available yet to the general public. These are “beta fireworks,” which I have to agreed to test out before they hit the market. I will describe some of them for you now:
• Griddle Poppers. This small explosive device launches several McDonalds McGriddles fifty feet into the air. Just as they reach their apex, they explode, leaving a phosphorescent trail of maple syrup lighting up the night sky. Beautiful.
• Whizzing Octosnatches. This is eight, tiny, whizzing vaginas that are sent screaming upwards at nearly the speed of sound. When they blow up, they spell out the word “Christmas.” I’m not sure why.
• Regis Philbin’s Head. This is exactly as it is described. A paper-mache bust of the popular morning talk show host. When the lit fuse reaches the base, the top of Regis’ head blows off, unleashing a flurry of multi-colored flaming paper butterflies that flutter around for a few moments before falling, charred, back to earth. Truly magnificent.
• Old PC. This highly explosive device is basically a quarter stick of TNT housed inside an old PC. Stand back from this one because when it goes off, shards of plastic can easily get into your eyes. Fun, but not recommended for kids.
• Space Shuttle Challenger Explosion. Again, just as advertised. You light the fuse on this baby, stand back, and watch it take off the heavens. Then, about ninety seconds after lift-off, it blows up. Not amusing at all. Apparently, they’re also working on a Columbia model, which breaks up on re-entry. I would probably not purchase either of these.
• Land Mines. These are smaller versions of real land mines employed by the military. They are non-lethal, but if you step on one, they provide quite a shock and a pretty painful burn. Definitely fun and thrilling, but if you decide to bury them in your backyard before your picnic, make sure your guests are wearing flip-flops.
• Michael Vick Brand Hanging Pit Bull Explod-o-Pinata. Despite the awkward name, this one is actually very colorful and fun. Basically it’s designed to look like a pit bull that just lost a dog fight. The idea is, you hang it from a tree, then light the thing on fire. It sparks for several minutes, then eventually “dies.” Very bright and colorful.
• Bucket of Whirling Gravy. The title pretty much says it all. It’s a little bit like the Griddle Poppers, but instead of flying into the sky, the bucket just stays on the ground and, when lit, sprays steaming hot gravy over everything in a fifty foot radius. Keep away from the house and do not use near bears.
• The Unicef Box of Coins. This is a classic idea of “good idea gone bad.” Basically, this firework replicates the classic Unicef box that children take from house to house, asking for spare change to donate the world’s needy. You light the thing, stand back, and watch it explode. That’s all fine and good, but they filled it with real coins, which then come raining down on you from the sky, which is terrifying and extremely dangerous.
• Frogs. These are not fireworks. They are just frogs, and I wonder if the guy put them in my bag as a joke.
Have a great holiday everyone. Eat a lot, go swimming, and think about our Founding Fathers, who not only created the greatest country in the world, but did while wearing knickers and wigs.