I Just Got a Shitload of "Beta Fireworks"

Happy Fourth of July, everybody. Tomorrow is the day our nation celebrates our independence by eating grilled meat and blowing stuff up. Boy am I excited. I just bought a shitload of firewords and I cannot wait to set them off. Yes, I got firecrackers and cherry bombs. Yes, I got M-80s. Yes, I got dazzlers and whippers and German Schnauzers. I also got some yip daddies, cocobongos, and flashbang wiggle worms. And because I am such a loyal customer to the particular fireworks emporium where I made my purchases, I also got some fireworks that aren’t available yet to the general public. These are “beta fireworks,” which I have to agreed to test out before they hit the market. I will describe some of them for you now:

• Griddle Poppers. This small explosive device launches several McDonalds McGriddles fifty feet into the air. Just as they reach their apex, they explode, leaving a phosphorescent trail of maple syrup lighting up the night sky. Beautiful.

• Whizzing Octosnatches. This is eight, tiny, whizzing vaginas that are sent screaming upwards at nearly the speed of sound. When they blow up, they spell out the word “Christmas.” I’m not sure why.

• Regis Philbin’s Head. This is exactly as it is described. A paper-mache bust of the popular morning talk show host. When the lit fuse reaches the base, the top of Regis’ head blows off, unleashing a flurry of multi-colored flaming paper butterflies that flutter around for a few moments before falling, charred, back to earth. Truly magnificent.

• Old PC. This highly explosive device is basically a quarter stick of TNT housed inside an old PC. Stand back from this one because when it goes off, shards of plastic can easily get into your eyes. Fun, but not recommended for kids.

• Space Shuttle Challenger Explosion. Again, just as advertised. You light the fuse on this baby, stand back, and watch it take off the heavens. Then, about ninety seconds after lift-off, it blows up. Not amusing at all. Apparently, they’re also working on a Columbia model, which breaks up on re-entry. I would probably not purchase either of these. 

• Land Mines. These are smaller versions of real land mines employed by the military. They are non-lethal, but if you step on one, they provide quite a shock and a pretty painful burn. Definitely fun and thrilling, but if you decide to bury them in your backyard before your picnic, make sure your guests are wearing flip-flops.

• Michael Vick Brand Hanging Pit Bull Explod-o-Pinata. Despite the awkward name, this one is actually very colorful and fun. Basically it’s designed to look like a pit bull that just lost a dog fight. The idea is, you hang it from a tree, then light the thing on fire. It sparks for several minutes, then eventually “dies.” Very bright and colorful.

• Bucket of Whirling Gravy. The title pretty much says it all. It’s a little bit like the Griddle Poppers, but instead of flying into the sky, the bucket just stays on the ground and, when lit, sprays steaming hot gravy over everything in a fifty foot radius. Keep away from the house and do not use near bears.

• The Unicef Box of Coins. This is a classic idea of “good idea gone bad.” Basically, this firework replicates the classic Unicef box that children take from house to house, asking for spare change to donate the world’s needy. You light the thing, stand back, and watch it explode. That’s all fine and good, but they filled it with real coins, which then come raining down on you from the sky, which is terrifying and extremely dangerous.

• Frogs. These are not fireworks. They are just frogs, and I wonder if the guy put them in my bag as a joke.

Have a great holiday everyone. Eat a lot, go swimming, and think about our Founding Fathers, who not only created the greatest country in the world, but did while wearing knickers and wigs.

Comments

[Nickel Jean]

And a Happy Fourth to you, Michael! Don't blow off any appendages.

[Preston]

Sloppy seconds! I'm the man!

[Susanna]

OMG, this one had me in tears of laughter!!!! I'm currently at work with a red face dripping with tears, and 2 co-workers just asked me if everything is "okay" with me. Damn you to hell, Michael!! (and Thank You)

[Spelling Nazi]

Firewords = Fireworks

[Sebastian]

The bucket of whirling gravy sounds delicious. I believe I would just stand there, basking in the hot brown liquid (wouldn't be the first time, either...ZING!).

[Camille]

"• Whizzing Octosnatches"
Was Lindsey "Firecrotch" Lohan involved in the developement of this one?

Hilarious list and I think the "Old PC" has been around these southernish for, like, ever.

[Camille]

"parts....southernish parts for ,like, ever.."

Damn,that spelling/word nazi is gonna get me for that one.

[Therese]

You had me at Whizzing Octosnatches. The fact that you use the word 'snatch' to mean vagina makes me far happier than it really should. It's one of my fave vaginal euphemisms.

Happy knickers and wigs day!

[Hermione Baddeley]

"Whizzing Octosnatches"

Awesome name. For a second I thought you were channeling JK Rowling, then I read about what those things do. Eight kinds o' awesome, there.

[Severed]

You should film you shooting off fireworks. :D

[Carrie]

Holy crap you're good. I was buckled over in laughter reading this. I'll be wishing I had some Griddle Poppers tomorrow along with a few Whizzing Octosnatches... Hilarious!!! Too bad we live in a no fireworks zone- or else my husband would be taping 6 types of fireworks together just to see what would happen!!! Happy 4th... or is it?

[Reen]

Oh God! I'm with Susanna...just wiping my eyes over here. It's just too much. You silly (sexy) man! Thanks.

So happy 4th to you and yours. Enjoy! Get fat! And do not blow off any moving parts.

[Reen]

Oh God! I'm with Susanna...just wiping my eyes over here. It's just too much. You silly (sexy) man! Thanks.

So happy 4th to you and yours. Enjoy! Get fat! And do not blow off any moving parts.

[Ricky C.]

I bet you could get a funnel for that Bucket of Whirling Gravy and have some totally hardcore college kids to do it. They'll try anything!
Seriously though man these were killing me, it's so awful but I couldn't stop laughing at the Michael Vick, Pitbull one.

[Mike]

This is like something right out of Mad Magazine.

You should write for them, by the way.

[Shro]

hilarious. i'd like to know where you purchased your fireworks. happy 4th. by the way, has anyone told you that you look like cillian murphy?

[Greg Wilcox]

Two words Michael Black; Grow up. Grow up or shut up.

jk. Good stuff.

[TZ]

Mr. Black, you seem to be quite the pleasant gent.
Kudos on your fun tyme make-em-ups!

[Jenny]

nice list! dare i ask who your elusive supplier is? i know he/she probably sounded legit, but 5 bucks says they're really serial killers.

also, happy much belated 4th.