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July 23, 2008

Henceforth, I Shall Be Known as “New York Times Best-Selling Author Michael Ian Black (Very Famous)”

Yes, it’s a mouthful, but that is my new name. Why? Because in two weeks time I will officially join Bob Woodward and Tori Spelling as a New York Times Best-Selling author. The call came today when I was working with my friend Michael Showalter on a sketch about the word “cunt.” In other words, sometimes life imitates art.

On August 3rd, when the best-seller list becomes official, I will be at number seventeen, which is a terrible number to be. Why? Because the cut-off for the list that they actually print in the newspaper is either fifteen or sixteen. But never seventeen. So I am not going to be in the actual newspaper, but rather I have been ghettoized to the “expanded list,” which is still the best-seller list but does not have the prestigious sheen of the printed version. In poker terms, I am the “bubble boy.” In early John Travolta film terms, I am the “Boy In The Bubble” boy.

Picture_1
                      (Seventeen is kind of good and kind of bullshit)

Therefore, I have a new goal. TO MAKE THE TOP FIFTEEN!!! To accomplish this, I am going to need your help. How can you help? By buying my fucking book. I have practically been on my hands and knees begging for your support, and while some of you heard my clarion call, still others (and I know who you are) have dithered, perhaps thinking to yourself, “I don’t have enough money to eat AND buy the book.” Bullshit. Let me ask you a question: how long does a good meal fill your belly? A few hours, perhaps. How long does a good book fill your brain? For a lifetime, motherfuckers! For a motherfucking lifetime.

When you don’t feed your brain, what happens? You turn into a zombie. And I think we can all agree that we have enough problems with zombies as it is.

Now look, I wouldn’t tell you to buy the book if it weren’t fantastic, but it is. I know how tough times are out there, (Obviously since I’m a celebrity I don’t really know, but when I was getting my make-up put on for one of my many television appearances I heard somebody talking about it and it almost made me upset.) but when times are tough, laughter is the sweetest medicine. And cash. Actually, I would put cash ahead of laughter, but laughter is a close second. I might also put a strong support system ahead of laughter, which would knock laughter down to third, but again, I think it’s a close third. Just buy the fucking book.

Sincerely,
New York Times Best-Selling Author Michael Ian Black (Very Famous)

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Nickel Jean

Therese, I don't think you fully appreciate how divisive that word is in America. :) Personally, I think "cunt" should be claimed by women as part of a feminist movement, much like the "n-word" being claimed by the black community. (However, I admit it's not a word I use very often since I don't want my little darlings repeating it.)

On the subject of My Custom Van, I did buy the book on the day of its release, although I didn't read it right away because I was in the middle of another book. I'm attending a birthday party for a 5-year-old this weekend; maybe I'll buy her a copy of the book for a gift...

Jeannette

I like to read your blog, but I don't like to buy things. Unless they in some way accentuate my sexiness and get me laid.

Earle

I was walking through downtown Boston and something fell from the sky and hit me in the face and then the balls. A double-hit.

When I looked down on the sidewalk to see what hit me...I noticed that it was your book: My Custom Van.

Apparently, someone actually read your book, probably the essay "Erotic Fiction: The Elevator," and threw it out the window in disgust (after only getting past the second sentence).

Just kidding! The book is funknee as hell.

Or is it?

Valerie

Dear Micheal Ian Black,

The subject of this post reminds me of your features on McSweeneys.net. I did not discover that you had this blog where you post McSweeeney-esque things until about 10 minutes ago, when I was linked from Gawker. Maybe you should talk to McSweeneys about having a link to your blog on the page with your short stories on it.

Also, glad to hear that the Billy Joel one made it into the book. Forbes doesn't know what they're talking about, it's hilarious. I plan on buying the book today.

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