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July 26, 2008

Fishing Advice

Yesterday I went fishing for wild steelhead on the Deschutes River up in Maupin, Oregon. It’s a beautiful spot, and I was sure I’d return with a whole mess of fishies. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The mistake I think I made was choosing to bring a gun instead of a fishing pole. The gun was a Nighthawk Custom 10-8 combat pistol, and while it’s a great option for the military or police, it’s a decidedly terrible choice when it comes to recreational fishing.

In hindsight, this probably should have been obvious to me, as all my previous attempts to shoot fish out of the water have been a failure. Even so, I am stubborn, and I suppose I thought this time might be different. It wasn’t. I spent hours silently trolling the river looking for the perfect fishing spot, gauging wind and water temperature, attempting to use my fishermen’s sixth sense to determine where the steelhead might be lurking. Finally I found the spot, a little eddy on the north side of Mount Thielsen. There I found a huge school of hungry fish just waiting to be caught. Well, let me tell you something: as soon as I opened fire on those fuckers, they swam away, never to be seen again. All that work for nothing.

Fucking fish.

Some experienced fishermen might think my efforts to shoot fish with a handgun are misguided. Well those fishermen can suck my dick. Just because something hasn’t worked in the past doesn’t mean it can’t work now. The Nighthawk is a terrific pistol specifically designed for close quarter combat. What could be closer combat than fishing? In retrospect, I don’t think the mistake I made was bringing the gun; it was not bringing enough ammo. I unloaded all nine clips into the river within about a minute. This required some very fast shooting on my part! The law of average states that if I fire enough bullets, eventually one of them is going to hit a fish. The problem: not enough bullets.


                                 (My fishing pole)

Also, shooting a gun is a lot more fun than sitting in a boat with some string attached to a pole. I know a lot of guys who have fished in the traditional way all day and came back with exactly as many fish as I did: zero. The difference? I had a blast (pun intended), and they just sat out there “in nature.” If I wanted to hang out in nature, I would do it from the comfort of my living room.

The other advantage of using a gun for fishing is that you don’t have to dig up worms, which are scary. Fishermen may tell you that they enjoy hooking their lines with grubs and night crawlers, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret: worms are really creepy even to fishermen. They just act like they’re not because they don’t want to be called pussies. But no matter what anybody says, in their heart of hearts, even hardened fishermen know that all bugs are creepy and scary. They just won’t admit it.

So it was a bad day on the Deschutes. I ran out of bullets and I didn’t shoot any fish, but I did accidentally wing a hiker, which normally would be a terrible tragedy but he went down so fast I don’t think he had any idea what hit him, and I got the hell out of there before anybody saw what happened, so I think I’m in the clear.


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I had the exact same problem with my Steyr M9-A1!


I'm sure the kids would have volunteered to dig up a ton of crawly things for you. Mine do it regularly, and we don't even fish.


You are so badass.
Maybe next time you're at Red Lobster you could do some shooting in the lobster tank while you're waiting to be seated. You would be getting practice in AND entertaining the crowd whilst waiting to be seated for your sub-par-to-mediocre meal.
Or practice with the balloons at Applebees.


I think we have a new angle (angler?) for the Tucker Max crowd.


Damnit! At least I'm not the only one with fish problems. I haven't been able to catch a f*cking fish in at least 10 years. Has anyone? Maybe nobody has and they're just not telling. Perhaps fish, or maybe now Fish, have wised up and can now successfully evade any and all types of fishing peoples. The ones you see in restaurants weren't "caught" they died of natural causes and restaurant owners hire people to go out and scoop them up before anyone sees them floating the surface.

*sigh* I just suck at fishing. :/


So funny.


This post should go in My Custom Van II: The Reckoning.

Ethereal Zoe

I don't mean to sound racist or prejudiced, even though I totally am, but Northern Jews are not allowed to say "mess of" in any context. You may say "lot of", "bunch of", or even "bundle of", but not "mess of". That phrase is appropriate for Southern Jews only, and I'm afraid that my fellow South Carolinian (and Son of Confederate Veterans) Strom Moskowitz already has dibs on that phrase. Sorry.


i always use grenades or other "light" explosives. it's very effective, but near impossible to mount on a plaque


This post brought a tear to my eye and pride to my being knowing that when the Supreme Court recently reinterpreted the Constitution to overturn the gun ban that it was for lion-hearted American fishermen such as yourself that it benefited.

Also, I believe fish in this country choose to now be known as Aquatic Vertebrate Americans.


YAY! That one goes in the next book, ok? Love it, love your show.

But hells bells! An aggressive fishing approach like that, you should have nailed at least one Carp.

You know what? You can just forget about me finishing your "Frankie Da Heat" appliqued mobster t-shirt. Gotta earn them stripes, I say Son.


This is all great BUT... what are you going to do about Goodnight Bush, the current book outselling both you AND Tucker Max in humor on Amazon.com??


According to Mythbusters, water is bulletproof after a couple feet deep.


This is all great BUT... what are you going to do about Goodnight Bush, the current book outselling both you AND Tucker Max in humor on Amazon.com??


You're probably not considering the extent that water slows bullets down and changes their trajectory. If you shoot straight at a fish, the bullet will be slowed down upon hitting the water and dive at a steeper angle than it entered the water. If you apply the laws of physics to this approach you will see your success skyrocket.


Attempted murder (even when dealing with fish) is better than the real thing. Bigger rush.

BTW, this line from Reality Bites Back had me chuckling for 3 minutes (estimated):
"Do I really have to sit here and count all these fucking bananas??!!"


Susanna! YES!
Hot Michael, very hot. All your angsty snot ass mumbling? HOTT (double T!)

(The double T is uncalled for. I've been chuckling over too many of your profile comments I think, I mean, like IDK! LOLZ!)


Silly rabbit. Handguns aren't for fishing ... that's what dynamite is for. Let me know if you ever want to go on a fishing trip where you can knock fish out with an underwater concussive blast wave.


You going to fight Tucker or what?


I haven't seen it mentioned anywhere, so I thought I would tell you big MIB fans that I went to the book signing in SF and it was great! Michael did a reading of The Grasshopper, talked a bit about making the NY Times best seller list, a Q and A and then signed everyone's books. There was a substantial crowd and I saw many fanboys leaving the store with glazed-over, star-struck looks of love in their eyes. He was charming to everyone and when it was my turn, he didn't even mention the restraining order he had taken out against me (the red-headed wig and pink contact lenses I wore must have fooled him!). If you didn't get a chance to meet him in person yet, do try. Save your beer cans for cash, get an incurable disease and arrange something with the Make-A-Wish Foundation or whatever it takes to get the lovely experience of wishing this gorgeous man hello in person.


Sounds like a great time Zane. Maybe he thought you just had a bad case of "pink eye". ::knee slap::

I, myself have never met him. Not really. Because when I say "met", I mean in the biblical sense. Major Quimby would torture and behead me in front of a million Cub fans if I started those sultry shenanigans. And although no man is *really* safe once I mark them with my Sophia Loren like ways, it's wrong of me to keep passing on the clap.

My goodness just one Newcastle and woosh! I'm blushing and curve balling and talking trash like some sort of drunken hula dancer! (I make this shit up all by myself!)

Anyhoodles, you're a dearie for sharing, thanks.

Gotta go. Time to turn on the humidifier and give myself an erotic water massage.



You insensitive clod! Mt. Thielsen is nowhere near Maupin!

signed, a very angry Oregonian!


Hey Mikey,

I liked your fish story but I liked the fish skit you had back in SPY TV even more!! Any way you can post a clip of that on YouTube for posterity???



Deepak Kulkarni

Fly-fishing has gained a great popularity over the years as a relaxing sport. The thrill of luring the fish, catching it and having it for lunch or dinner or simply the soothing sounds of running water in a stream have made fly fishing an experience to remember, for the young people and the old alike. The fly-fishing experience is complete only if you have the right kind of fishing equipment.

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