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July 08, 2008

Damn You, David Sedaris!!!

Why won’t this man leave me alone??? Over the past few weeks I have done everything in my power to make peace with the malicious David Sedaris. I have gone out of my way to praise him on these pages and in various interviews I have done with very important blogs that I have never heard of. To no avail. Frankly I feel a little bit like Neville Chamberlain. (For those of you who don’t know who Neville Chamberlain was, he used to be the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls. Read about him here.) And yet, despite my best efforts to make peace, he insists on making lemons out of lemonade. Here is the latest insult: I checked my Amazon.com book ranking only moments ago, and discovered that I am ranked #3 in the Humor Category. Tucker Max is number 1, of course, because people like to read about fucking. But just under him, just under Tucker Max, is – not George Carlin, whose literary career has recently experienced a resurgence due to his death – but David Spedaris! Why won’t he leave me alone???

And it’s not even like the book at #2 is his current best-seller. No, to add insult to injury, the #2 book in the Humor Category is “Dress Your Family in Corduroy,” which I believe came out in 1967! The book has got be at least forty years old, and yet there it is, proudly lording itself over my book like some kind of proud lord.


Question: what did I ever do to David Spedaris to make him hate me this much? Yes, I sponsored a contest in which readers were asked to transform him into a supervillain (pictured below), but that was only because he was being such a dick!


I am not one to feel sorry for myself, but I have so little in my life to feel good about. Yes, I have a beautiful wife, two perfect children, a mansion in Connecticut, legions of adoring fans, and prominent cheekbones, but that’s it. What I don’t have is a best-selling book of humorous essays. Shouldn’t it be my right as an American to have the #2 book in the Humor Category? Shouldn’t we all have that right?

This fight is no longer about me. It’s about all of us, all Americans! Because the #2 slot in the Humor Category shouldn’t belong to some wine-sipping Francophile. So what I say is this: let’s send a message to David “I hate America” Sedaris. Let’s all rally behind a single book and propel it to the top of the Humor Category. No, let’s aim higher. Let’s pick one book, it could be any book, and start buying that book in such numbers that it rockets to the top of the “America is the Greatest Country In The World and Fuck Anybody Who Thinks Differently” list. What book should that be? I have a suggestion.


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As I sit here, idly thumbing through your book, I can rest easy in the knowledge that I have played some small part in the literary downfall of Frenchy McStink.

some person

I guess now would be a good time to place my order for 10,000 copies of your book. Just kidding. I can't afford that! Not even for gifts for all of my friends (2,000 copies each)). I was just going to wait and see if I could find it at Goodwill in ten years (not realizing no one would ever give it up, not even for the sweet tax write-off).

OK. I'll go buy it for real right now. F Spedaris.


Amazon suggests I purchase "When You Are Engulfed in Flames" AND "My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face" together. Amazon thinks these two books are "Better Together". What's a girl to do?


Fine, you win Black. I know you've been writing all these posts and beaming all these messages into my head from your invisible satellite just to get me to buy your book. I've bought it! You can stop now.

And please make the voices in my head stop!

They keep telling me to kill my parrots...I don't even have parrots!


As I prepared to click "Add to cart, I noticed this:


Just some visual proof of the just-noticed-above-mine comment.

Don't worry friend, I only added one book to my cart today.


Aw man! You stinker! How many did you fool with the fakey Flock of Seagulls link, I wonder?

And Spedaris again! FI! And poor you, suffering at home with itchy nipples.

Personally, I can't wait to order this, but have refrained thus far. The timing has to be according to my personal horoscope from yahoo.com.

Also, I don't want to be bloated at the time.


I think all 12 people who frequent this blog have already ordered 100 copies...what do you want...200?


Visual proof of your glory moment, in case you don't make it to Amazon again before Spedaris overtakes you again. Which hopefully he won't but he's a sneaky motherfucker.



I have yet to order one. I prefer to buy it in person on the day it comes out.


You need to concentrate on that T(F)ucker Max. Now that's a name to make fun of!


P.S. you are number one in the Hot New Releases section. That has to count for something, right?
Again, immortalised for your delectation:



Yeah, Sedaris' book was #2 because of me. I bought a lot of copies and told others to do the same because I was really upset when I thought you had scabies, but since you don't I've since ceased my tom foolery. So sorry, my bad, and I also take back my last comment. I love you again and I'm even going to invite you and all of your fans to my bonfire (the kindling will be all 4,292 copies of "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim). J/K, my mom says I can't invite strangers over anymore.

Steve Huff

From the Amazon page for Michael's book, just now:

Amazon.com Sales Rank: #852 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

So it begins...


who is the joker in number 1? I could google him but judging from his book's title he is a giant a-hole


"he is a giant a-hole"

Tucker Max is just that. And he's proud of it, too, so it's kinda hard to say much more about it. He's just not very clever, imho. No accounting for taste, I guess.


Ok so i looked up max tucker and fittingly enough I found this on wikipedia

"In the Fall of 2008, Max is set to release a new book titled Assholes Finish First but has been pushed back a year so it is able to coincide with his movie, which is currently in development."

Now I really hate a-holes


On the plus side, your book costs more.


T(F)ucker Max. Good one.

And is buying Mikey's book the cure for making the voices go away? Damn. Now _that's_ a marketing campaign. Too bad no one told me before I off'd my invisible cockatiel.

Poor fluffy.


I turn off "This American Life" everytime Sedaris comes on. He's annoying in a "I'm so much more clever than you'll ever be" sort of way that is grating. To me, he always seems to fit the stereotype of the elite New England liberal with a superiority complex... Sure I'm a liberal and I listen to NPR- but I just can't relate.

I don't think you should try to make peace. Be ruthless. :-)


How in the hell did you manage a comment from AMY Sedaris?!? "...Enjoy the ride of your lifetime"?!? WTF? Trying to stir up trouble in the Sedaris family? Are you selling tickets? I hear David Sedaris hits like a girl... : )


i like the clever use of html here. very funny.

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