Damn You, David Sedaris!!!
Why won’t this man leave me alone??? Over the past few weeks I have done everything in my power to make peace with the malicious David Sedaris. I have gone out of my way to praise him on these pages and in various interviews I have done with very important blogs that I have never heard of. To no avail. Frankly I feel a little bit like Neville Chamberlain. (For those of you who don’t know who Neville Chamberlain was, he used to be the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls. Read about him here.) And yet, despite my best efforts to make peace, he insists on making lemons out of lemonade. Here is the latest insult: I checked my Amazon.com book ranking only moments ago, and discovered that I am ranked #3 in the Humor Category. Tucker Max is number 1, of course, because people like to read about fucking. But just under him, just under Tucker Max, is – not George Carlin, whose literary career has recently experienced a resurgence due to his death – but David Spedaris! Why won’t he leave me alone???
And it’s not even like the book at #2 is his current best-seller. No, to add insult to injury, the #2 book in the Humor Category is “Dress Your Family in Corduroy,” which I believe came out in 1967! The book has got be at least forty years old, and yet there it is, proudly lording itself over my book like some kind of proud lord.
Question: what did I ever do to David Spedaris to make him hate me this much? Yes, I sponsored a contest in which readers were asked to transform him into a supervillain (pictured below), but that was only because he was being such a dick!
I am not one to feel sorry for myself, but I have so little in my life to feel good about. Yes, I have a beautiful wife, two perfect children, a mansion in Connecticut, legions of adoring fans, and prominent cheekbones, but that’s it. What I don’t have is a best-selling book of humorous essays. Shouldn’t it be my right as an American to have the #2 book in the Humor Category? Shouldn’t we all have that right?
This fight is no longer about me. It’s about all of us, all Americans! Because the #2 slot in the Humor Category shouldn’t belong to some wine-sipping Francophile. So what I say is this: let’s send a message to David “I hate America” Sedaris. Let’s all rally behind a single book and propel it to the top of the Humor Category. No, let’s aim higher. Let’s pick one book, it could be any book, and start buying that book in such numbers that it rockets to the top of the “America is the Greatest Country In The World and Fuck Anybody Who Thinks Differently” list. What book should that be? I have a suggestion.