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July 08, 2008

Countdown to Seduction!

One week from today my new book hits the stores. On that day, July 15th, somebody is going to go crying boo-hoo-hoo home to his mommy. That person is David Sedaris. Together we are going to destroy him.

What happens when you combine "Sedaris" and "destruction?" You get "seduction." That's why today marks the official beginning of the Countdown to Seduction!

Events are being planned all over the world. In Geneva, they are having a cuckoo clock eating contest, in which the world's fastest eaters will gather to see who can the most cuckoo clocks. The catch? Each "cuckoo bird" will be a small replica of Frenchy McStink, the nom de guerre of Mr. David Sedaris.

In the North Korean capital Pyonyang, President Kim Jong-il is celebrating by declaring David Sedaris an "Enemy of the Revolution," whereas I will be given the honorific "Supreme Commander of Culture and Part-Time Disc Jockey."

The Vatican will be holding a special mass to commemorate the Countdown to Seduction, and the pontiff himself will read aloud my essay, "Why I Used A Day-Glo Marker to Color My Dick Yellow." He will read it both in English and in the original Latin.

Wembley Stadium in London will be rocking as Bob Geldof and dozens of rocker friends gather to raise money for David Sedaris' pity party, which he will be holding for himself in his little French cold water flat with his boyfriend Hugh and a stale baguette.

Aboard the International Space Station, a David Sedaris effigy will be launched towards the sun, along with a gift bag containing his collected works. Simultaneously, a UFO will land on the White House lawn and aliens will present President Bush with a copy of my book, the secret to interstellar space travel, AND a coupon for one free back rub.

Ten thousand children from every country in Africa will gather at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro to sing a hymn I've written called, "David Sedaris is Too Out of Shape to Climb Mount Kilimanjaro."

Several surprise guests will rise from the dead in a way that isn't spooky at all. They will tell us all about mysteries of the Great Beyond AND host a barbecue featuring country duo Brooks and Dunn. Door prizes will include – you guessed it – copies of my book.

Finally, a procession of mermaids (topless) will escort three lucky winners to the legendary lost city of Atlantis, where the Blue Man Group will perform a free show. This will have nothing to do with my book, but will be awesome, especially if you've never seen the Blue Man Group before.

Let the Countdown to Seduction BEGIN!

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Comments

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R_Bishop

for those of you who have the book... i need to know if it is it dedicated to marcus???

Jaime

Monique. You must not be so quick to post and lack in reading honey. We're a twisted burned barbie warped little community, doll. You got to read. If you don't, you miss such gems as:

"Suck it, all," "I already got it, so suck it bitches!," "I actually enjoy sucking it," "I'm just excited about all the sucking going on around here!,"

and the pinnacle retort:
"So, I think you'll find that passes the sucking it back to you."

Burn. And suck. See what you missed? Now you know dearie.

Jaime

Oh, and BOREDeroy. That's funny.

browser

Look who's joining this delicious fray...Showalter!

What Do Customers Buy After Viewing This Item?
88% buy the item you viewed
My Custom Van: And 50 Other... Hardcover by Michael Ian Black
$23.95 $16.29
3% buy this alternative
When You Are Engulfed in Flames Hardcover by David Sedaris
$25.99 $14.29
2% buy this alternative
Play sample
Sandwiches & Cats Audio CD ~ Michael Showalter
$11.98

Therese

Oh Preston, Preston, dear, dear Preston.

Everyone knows that the girls should come first.

Miip

love u

truth

So here's the thing(s):
1) David Sedaris' mother died of cancer, and therefore your comment is just not ok
2) He is an amazingly talented writer
3) Though I think you are both funny, your bitching- though sarcastic, I know- makes you the bigger jerk
4) Get a life, this type of publicity whoring is just not cute

chaussure-louboutin

miques, ont deftriud les fondemensde lafefte Epicurienne : combien qu'ils eftoient aflez ruinez parles principes delà Metaphyfique d'Ariftote: où il conclud par neceffité qu'ily a autant de cieux,qu'il y a d'intelligences, ou efprits intelligibles pour les môuuoiri lcfquelles intelligences il diûeftre fepa-rees des corps,& que l'Ange fe meuue au mouuement de fon ciel,coin» .. me l'ame de l'homme fe meuue au mouuemet de l'homme, qui eft bien 4- ». 4-cr pourmonftrer, queladifpute des Anges, & Démons ne fe peut traiter o.jpvtfi- phyficaljnjcntjEtque ceux-là s'abufent bien fort, qui dénient qu'il y anjo. ait quelque chofe poflible, qui foit impolfible par nature. Car l'attou-y*rift. j. chement,le mouuement, le lieu ne peut conuenirfinon au corps,4 Se »'». 8. en corps parlant en Phyficien: Et neantmoins fi laveritéeft toufiours 6. in ltb.de femblabie à foymefmes,il faut confeflcr que l'attouchement, le mou-D4mtn.it- uement,& le lieu conuiennent aux efprits,auflî bien côtne au corps, ce tratts. qu'Ariftoteademonftréen fa

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