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« Damn You, David Sedaris!!! | Main | Ladies, Please Don’t Fuck the Nazis »

July 08, 2008

Countdown to Seduction!

One week from today my new book hits the stores. On that day, July 15th, somebody is going to go crying boo-hoo-hoo home to his mommy. That person is David Sedaris. Together we are going to destroy him.

What happens when you combine "Sedaris" and "destruction?" You get "seduction." That's why today marks the official beginning of the Countdown to Seduction!

Events are being planned all over the world. In Geneva, they are having a cuckoo clock eating contest, in which the world's fastest eaters will gather to see who can the most cuckoo clocks. The catch? Each "cuckoo bird" will be a small replica of Frenchy McStink, the nom de guerre of Mr. David Sedaris.

In the North Korean capital Pyonyang, President Kim Jong-il is celebrating by declaring David Sedaris an "Enemy of the Revolution," whereas I will be given the honorific "Supreme Commander of Culture and Part-Time Disc Jockey."

The Vatican will be holding a special mass to commemorate the Countdown to Seduction, and the pontiff himself will read aloud my essay, "Why I Used A Day-Glo Marker to Color My Dick Yellow." He will read it both in English and in the original Latin.

Wembley Stadium in London will be rocking as Bob Geldof and dozens of rocker friends gather to raise money for David Sedaris' pity party, which he will be holding for himself in his little French cold water flat with his boyfriend Hugh and a stale baguette.

Aboard the International Space Station, a David Sedaris effigy will be launched towards the sun, along with a gift bag containing his collected works. Simultaneously, a UFO will land on the White House lawn and aliens will present President Bush with a copy of my book, the secret to interstellar space travel, AND a coupon for one free back rub.

Ten thousand children from every country in Africa will gather at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro to sing a hymn I've written called, "David Sedaris is Too Out of Shape to Climb Mount Kilimanjaro."

Several surprise guests will rise from the dead in a way that isn't spooky at all. They will tell us all about mysteries of the Great Beyond AND host a barbecue featuring country duo Brooks and Dunn. Door prizes will include – you guessed it – copies of my book.

Finally, a procession of mermaids (topless) will escort three lucky winners to the legendary lost city of Atlantis, where the Blue Man Group will perform a free show. This will have nothing to do with my book, but will be awesome, especially if you've never seen the Blue Man Group before.

Let the Countdown to Seduction BEGIN!

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Steve Huff

PRESTON IS SECOND!

AND,

It has begun...

Preston

Firsties! I'm the man!

Preston

damn you, sir

jolie

there should be less time spent debating this "firsties" business and more time discussing more important matters.
for example: why we no longer call david "dress your family in BOREDeroy and denim" sedaris, "sPedaris."
and yes, I went there.

Selena

That is oh too exciting. The book is coming out on a good date, too, two days before my birthday. That'll be my present. ;)

Camille

I am soooo excited! On Monday night I'm going to shower,loofah, wash and set my hair, gently,yet firmly exfoliate my feet and apply polish, get a Brazilian and a few Botox injections and maybe even spring for a new lip gloss if I'm feeling frisky.

I'm guessing Kim Jong prefers Clay Aiken mastermixes.

Reener

Fun blog - so creative. I do believe everyone is thoroughly doused in seduce juice. I know I feel like I just took a little mental "trip". IIIIF ya know what I mean. AAAAAND I think you do. (ACID trip. Is what I mean.).

"Several surprise guests will rise from the dead in a way that isn't spooky at all". Hey. Can you put a call in to request a former Beatle? John preferably, but I'll take George in a pinch. Or with a pinch. Of salt. On his buttocks.

(Kahlua and coffee!)

Sedaris will be cowering in his sandals once he get's a load of all this! It's all waiting for him on the shelf. Just a waiting on the shelf like a turdapple in March.


Steve Huff

Kim Jong Il is serious about his end of this business. Check out this screen cap of N. Korea's website:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/randomlunatic/2650777463/sizes/o/

Justin

I already got my book! It is freaking HILARIOUS!!!! I guess Amazon must have moved the ship date up. Unless they just screwed up!

Susanna

If I don't receive my book from Amazon tomorrow, I'm going to throw a "Sedarhissy fit"! You know, the kind he would throw if Michael Ian Black overtook the number spot. There would be hair pulling, champagne thrown in people's faces, beret stealing and a lot of spitting in someone's general direction.

Zane

Yay, I got my book today! Suck on that, Renee and Camille! ( I think you said you decided to wait and get it on the day it comes out, ha ha on you.)
Preston, you can suck it too, just because you really bug and probably want the attention anyway. Therese and Susanna, you both too can suck it, for no other reason than to just to be part of the group. ;-) LOL. (See J, it's easy to play along.)

I LOVED the Acknowledgments page where you gave shout-outs to us, your most devoted fans, oh that's right, that didn't happen, just your family and friends or something. No matter because I know you will write an amazing personalized message in my book, right???

Congrats, you did a super job and every story in the book is so very funny!

Therese

Well I got my copy first (see comments in the previous blog), so everyone can suck it.

England leads the Seduction, bitches!

(p.s. shouldn't that really be "Speduction"?)

Reen

Aw it's too early in the morning for this shit. Listen, you bunch of suckfaces - I plan to buy mine from a transvestite I know who gets things super cheap. He's meeting me tomorrow in JC Penneys. (Not to sell me the book, just to catch up).

See...I was *going* to order it on Amazon, ok? Its just that...well...my husband and I....we're on the dole. There. I said it. So our finances and credit is, shall we say, "less than"? Are you happy NOW ladies who "have our book already?" Some of us can only dream of such things.

And whatEVER Zane and your personalized message and totally awesome Barbie and fucking Ken fan pics. You can suck my DICK model-girl!

Paul Pinson

Dear Michael,
I am a fan of your older work, but this recent stuff is a little too much to take. It's all ironic, right?

I had to sit down with my pastor and talk about these things you've said. We examined each sentence to find any Biblical backing; the results were disappointing.

We are praying for you Michael!

<3333333 :]

Camille

Well Zane, hindsight is 20/20, I guess.
Really,I was afraid to order online because some weirdo will steal my information and use it to buy a plane ticket to a book signing,20 copies of the book and a hooker(or two).
And that someone is Preston.

Camille

(And I thought the Korean screencap was pretty good.)*flinch*

some person

You can all suck it. I read this book when it was originally posted for free as blog entries.

Suck it, all.

Taylor

I already got it so suck it bitches!

Susanna

I actually enjoy sucking it, so thanks everyone!

Camille

Touche,some person!

Therese

Well, 'some person', we ALL read it for free when it was blog/McSweeneys entries.

But free blog entries don't count in the current great battle between good and evil (Michael and Frenchy McStink).

So, I think you'll find that passes the sucking it back to you.

Reen

I'm just excited about all the sucking going on around here!

Monique

The funniest thing happened to me...i added your latest book to my wish list on Amazon, and the "users who bought this also bought these" section appeared and low and behold...there was a copy of David Sedaris' book, "When you are engulfed in Flames."

I laughed out loud for about 2 minutes straight.

Preston

Hey, Zane and Camille, just because my life is completely devoid of such nuisances as "friends" or "important things," and therefore abounds with opportunities to check the blog, does not justify your being so openly jealous of me. Shame! Shame on you!

Camille

You're funny,Preston.
I leave my important things(children)to fend for themselves so I can keep an eye on this blog. I do have alot of friends,though....and they're on ice in my fridgie(not a serial killer,but an alcohol reference).

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