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July 16, 2008

Attention Tucker Max: You’re Welcome!


                             (Tucker & Me - BFFs)

What started as a desperate bid for publicity on my part has now blossomed into a veritable bouquet of publicity for – wait for it – Tucker Max. Yes, I realized today after being asked for the umpteenth time about my upcoming bout with the self-described asshole that Tucker has benefited from this far more than me. After all, I am a basic cable superstar, whereas his most notable onscreen performance to this point has been getting mocked by Opie and Anthony, the video of which I watched on YouTube.

This point was further driven home to me this morning when a San Diego radio station interrupted my interview to discuss my new “great new book of essays” (New York Press) to put me on the line with – wait for it – Tucker Max, who graciously agreed to step off the set of his movie to threaten to beat me into unconsciousness. Tucker was actually very pleasant on the phone, insisting that he didn’t want to hurt me, but merely to knock me out. I thought that was merciful.

Mr. Max was surprisingly soft-spoken, with none of the expected braggadocio. He merely stated in unequivocal terms that he couldn’t wait to hit me, even saying he would “walk to San Diego” if that’s what it took to get the fight done. Because I am not in the kind of physical condition that Tucker is, I said that I would take a Greyhound bus.

Last night during a book signing, I was also asked about the feud. I responded with the truth, that I challenged Tucker to a fight, that he accepted, and that since then I’ve been getting comments on my web site like the following:

dude. you are a fucking idiot. yeah you're on basic cable... but it's VH1. I'd rather watch dead people decay that watch your stupid sorry ass on what you call "basic cable". Tucker Max is going to drop kick the teeth out of your mouth, dumbass. and after this fight is over, and you're frantically trying to hold together whatever manhood you have left (which I doubt you have much to start with) EVERYONE is going to be laughing at your pathetic excuse of a human being. have fun being the laughing stock of the century. maybe you can feature it in I Love The Millennium - The Year I Got My Ass Handed To Me On a Silver Plater. I bet you sit down when you piss you fuckin bitch.

Somebody at one point left a comment which included the term “douche nozzle,” which I thought was actually very clever, and which gets a laugh whenever I say it out loud, but which definitely makes me question what Tucker’s fans are so angry about? Tucker fans, why are you so angry? Do you not have enough love in your lives? If that’s the case, let me start the Love Train rollin’ down the tracks by offering to give each and every one of you a big fat douche nozzle hug. Mmmmmmm – doesn’t that feel better?

And why doesn’t your spell check work?

Today I gave another reading, at which I was asked again about my feud with Tucker. Then, tonight on the Fox News show “Red Eye,” I was asked yet again. One positive result of all this attention – I think the term “Jewagon” (a boxing ring in the shape of a Star of David) is now entering the national vocabulary.

Each time I am asked about him, I describe Tucker in terms I think he would find flattering: “best-selling author,” “misogynist drunk,” etc. And each time I am asked, I lay out the story of our recent contretemps. The upshot? Tucker Max is getting a lot of free publicity off of my granite-like back. To which I say, Tucker Max, you’re welcome.

P.S. I purposefully used a lot of big words in this post because I think it will only further enrage his readers. From what I can tell, they equate “using words” with “being a pussy.”


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First!!! In your face Preston! :-)


Go ahead and set up the fight; however, hire some who LOOKS like you. Mr. Max will be so drunk out of his mind, he wouldn't know the difference. Better yet, hire someone who looks like you AND can fight.* That way people would stop harassing you about fighting Mr. Max AND you'd be quite popular when "you" beat him up.

I think I may have solved your dilemma.

Thank you,
And Have A Nice Day

*I suggest an Asian Jew. A Jew because you are one and Asian for the martial arts.**
**I do not mean to be racist.***
***Maybe a little.


Now now Michael, think about all the aspiring writers who are trying to get their build a reputation. Think of what any writer would give to step into the ring with a shit-canned Tucker Max and promote their book in doing so. In fact it would be downright UNGRATEFUL if you didn't fight Tucker


I like you. You've got some moves.


The way I see it is they both are shit stabbers and I think if we got them in a room together they would start "fooling around" 'till he makes Tucker wear a condom, then and only then will he get his "ass beat!!!"


Everyone's all "ha ha, those idiots are taking this obvious joke seriously." But you know what? The joke will be on all of you when it turns out Mr. Black can actually kick some major ass. Just wait.

katherine shimanovsky

You sound so smart!!! I love that in my men. Your book signing in NY was fantastically and amazingly extraordinary cause you're so dashing in person and have a charming wit about you! Thanks for answering my squirrel question. And... THANKS FOR BEING AS SUPER AS YOU ARE!


This entire comedic feud has been just that-comical. Ive enjoyed every hilarious quip from both parties, however in my opinion I believe its really a percentage of the fans who unintentionally douse the flames of this humor. Both men are fantastic authors and both attempt to salute one another with compliments in relation to their respective work; not the physicality of their fight obviously, but jesus christ, how many fag-ass fanboys are going to continually reiterate the age old "my idol is better than your idol!" pointless ass argument? Both men have some douchebag moronic fans as well as a few bright bulbs, let it be people damn.


Listen to the audio of the interview:


Just fight him man, you are in too deep to back out now! You are going to seem like a pussy and Tucker Max will be seen as a god. If you fight him, I'll buy your book. If you don't, I'll buy a second copy of Tucker's. The choice is yours ese


What's the fuss? When did Max become a champion street fighter, anyhow? Fight him, lay him out, whatever. He's just some dude. I've seen lots of little guys beat average-sized guys; who says you can't do the same?


'if celebrity was an orgy, you'd be two guys in the corner jacking off.'

Line of the day...


It's giving me NIGHTMARES!

No, seriously, last night I dreamed that Tucker Max knocked out my History teacher.

There was a nasty legal battle.... I was the only witness....

Seriously, take it from me, it's not worth it.


I'm a Tucker Max fan and I still think you might have a chance if you bring $240 worth of pudding to the fight.


I never heard of Tucker Max.


You tell them! Throw the book at them! The book of big words, that is.

Speaking of book, for me, your book has become my immediate cure for the gloomies. I love it.

Speaking of love, it's lovely that you're out there getting all this publicity. It's like your abs are a well oiled PR machine.

Speaking of machine, ::sigh:: it's time I get back to work.


On the bright side, the photo you added up top proves once and for all that you should never go blonde.


That picture is so funny!!


I'm thinking that if you were to fight Tucker it would end up looking something like this (if you and Tucker were to bring your posse along)



I had no idea Tucker Max fans could actually use a computer much less find this blog so wow. MIB you should take it as an honor and a complement that his fans could actually accomplish all of these tasks even if they came here to make rude comments.


at what point does one consider his or herself an intelligent tucker max fan & feel the need to apologize for the others? if i have to hear onmore person say "dude not all of us tuckerites are like that." i'm going to have a taco party in my fucking pants. actually it's thursday so i'm having a taco party in my pants either way.


I am a fan of both, Tucker Max and Michael Ian Black! I think the entire debauchal is hilarious. Jeez people, take it in the spirit that it's intended. Such hostility in such tiny brains....


I tried to read your post and failed, due to my thesaurus being stolen. Your use of big words was both impressive, confusing and simultaneously infuriating, and it is my sincere hope that, should you and Tucker engage in Mortal Kombat inside the jew wagon, that he hits you squarely in your overdeveloped brainal word centre, so that your wordhole spews forth less unintelligible and infuriating things.


I'd think you'd be interested to know that my public library does NOT have your book.
For shame...
However, they also don't have Tucker Max's book (they do have David Sedaris')... coincidence... I think so.


This is hilarious.! I just got in to your blog/book through Tucker's movie page, but I love it, you're amazing

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