Attention Tucker Max: You’re Welcome!
(Tucker & Me - BFFs)
What started as a desperate bid for publicity on my part has now blossomed into a veritable bouquet of publicity for – wait for it – Tucker Max. Yes, I realized today after being asked for the umpteenth time about my upcoming bout with the self-described asshole that Tucker has benefited from this far more than me. After all, I am a basic cable superstar, whereas his most notable onscreen performance to this point has been getting mocked by Opie and Anthony, the video of which I watched on YouTube.
This point was further driven home to me this morning when a San Diego radio station interrupted my interview to discuss my new “great new book of essays” (New York Press) to put me on the line with – wait for it – Tucker Max, who graciously agreed to step off the set of his movie to threaten to beat me into unconsciousness. Tucker was actually very pleasant on the phone, insisting that he didn’t want to hurt me, but merely to knock me out. I thought that was merciful.
Mr. Max was surprisingly soft-spoken, with none of the expected braggadocio. He merely stated in unequivocal terms that he couldn’t wait to hit me, even saying he would “walk to San Diego” if that’s what it took to get the fight done. Because I am not in the kind of physical condition that Tucker is, I said that I would take a Greyhound bus.
Last night during a book signing, I was also asked about the feud. I responded with the truth, that I challenged Tucker to a fight, that he accepted, and that since then I’ve been getting comments on my web site like the following:
dude. you are a fucking idiot. yeah you're on basic cable... but it's VH1. I'd rather watch dead people decay that watch your stupid sorry ass on what you call "basic cable". Tucker Max is going to drop kick the teeth out of your mouth, dumbass. and after this fight is over, and you're frantically trying to hold together whatever manhood you have left (which I doubt you have much to start with) EVERYONE is going to be laughing at your pathetic excuse of a human being. have fun being the laughing stock of the century. maybe you can feature it in I Love The Millennium - The Year I Got My Ass Handed To Me On a Silver Plater. I bet you sit down when you piss you fuckin bitch.
Somebody at one point left a comment which included the term “douche nozzle,” which I thought was actually very clever, and which gets a laugh whenever I say it out loud, but which definitely makes me question what Tucker’s fans are so angry about? Tucker fans, why are you so angry? Do you not have enough love in your lives? If that’s the case, let me start the Love Train rollin’ down the tracks by offering to give each and every one of you a big fat douche nozzle hug. Mmmmmmm – doesn’t that feel better?
And why doesn’t your spell check work?
Today I gave another reading, at which I was asked again about my feud with Tucker. Then, tonight on the Fox News show “Red Eye,” I was asked yet again. One positive result of all this attention – I think the term “Jewagon” (a boxing ring in the shape of a Star of David) is now entering the national vocabulary.
Each time I am asked about him, I describe Tucker in terms I think he would find flattering: “best-selling author,” “misogynist drunk,” etc. And each time I am asked, I lay out the story of our recent contretemps. The upshot? Tucker Max is getting a lot of free publicity off of my granite-like back. To which I say, Tucker Max, you’re welcome.
P.S. I purposefully used a lot of big words in this post because I think it will only further enrage his readers. From what I can tell, they equate “using words” with “being a pussy.”