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July 16, 2008

Attention Tucker Max: You’re Welcome!


                             (Tucker & Me - BFFs)

What started as a desperate bid for publicity on my part has now blossomed into a veritable bouquet of publicity for – wait for it – Tucker Max. Yes, I realized today after being asked for the umpteenth time about my upcoming bout with the self-described asshole that Tucker has benefited from this far more than me. After all, I am a basic cable superstar, whereas his most notable onscreen performance to this point has been getting mocked by Opie and Anthony, the video of which I watched on YouTube.

This point was further driven home to me this morning when a San Diego radio station interrupted my interview to discuss my new “great new book of essays” (New York Press) to put me on the line with – wait for it – Tucker Max, who graciously agreed to step off the set of his movie to threaten to beat me into unconsciousness. Tucker was actually very pleasant on the phone, insisting that he didn’t want to hurt me, but merely to knock me out. I thought that was merciful.

Mr. Max was surprisingly soft-spoken, with none of the expected braggadocio. He merely stated in unequivocal terms that he couldn’t wait to hit me, even saying he would “walk to San Diego” if that’s what it took to get the fight done. Because I am not in the kind of physical condition that Tucker is, I said that I would take a Greyhound bus.

Last night during a book signing, I was also asked about the feud. I responded with the truth, that I challenged Tucker to a fight, that he accepted, and that since then I’ve been getting comments on my web site like the following:

dude. you are a fucking idiot. yeah you're on basic cable... but it's VH1. I'd rather watch dead people decay that watch your stupid sorry ass on what you call "basic cable". Tucker Max is going to drop kick the teeth out of your mouth, dumbass. and after this fight is over, and you're frantically trying to hold together whatever manhood you have left (which I doubt you have much to start with) EVERYONE is going to be laughing at your pathetic excuse of a human being. have fun being the laughing stock of the century. maybe you can feature it in I Love The Millennium - The Year I Got My Ass Handed To Me On a Silver Plater. I bet you sit down when you piss you fuckin bitch.

Somebody at one point left a comment which included the term “douche nozzle,” which I thought was actually very clever, and which gets a laugh whenever I say it out loud, but which definitely makes me question what Tucker’s fans are so angry about? Tucker fans, why are you so angry? Do you not have enough love in your lives? If that’s the case, let me start the Love Train rollin’ down the tracks by offering to give each and every one of you a big fat douche nozzle hug. Mmmmmmm – doesn’t that feel better?

And why doesn’t your spell check work?

Today I gave another reading, at which I was asked again about my feud with Tucker. Then, tonight on the Fox News show “Red Eye,” I was asked yet again. One positive result of all this attention – I think the term “Jewagon” (a boxing ring in the shape of a Star of David) is now entering the national vocabulary.

Each time I am asked about him, I describe Tucker in terms I think he would find flattering: “best-selling author,” “misogynist drunk,” etc. And each time I am asked, I lay out the story of our recent contretemps. The upshot? Tucker Max is getting a lot of free publicity off of my granite-like back. To which I say, Tucker Max, you’re welcome.

P.S. I purposefully used a lot of big words in this post because I think it will only further enrage his readers. From what I can tell, they equate “using words” with “being a pussy.”


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first see you saturday


i will not be asking about Tucker Max. I have had my max of tucker already.


You own them all.


U R such a pussy for backin don form this fight. Bitch. Tucker Max fer president!



Everyone needs to stop taking this like it's serious business. It's all in good fun people, chill the fuck out.


Them's fightin' words! The big ones I mean. Stop stabbing Max with your words, and start jabbing him with your fists!


where's that intimidating nude photo?


This whole fake feud is hilarious.

However, your only mistake is assuming that fans of Tucker do not comprehend large words and only know how to spew cuss words left and right. That is only the small, angry minority who are too stupid to realize this is all a funny joke.


I don't get why people who are fans of celebrities are such homopockets, I'll see you in Madison on Friday Mike, and I'll have a stella poster for you to sign haha


I can't describe how much this just made me laugh. I'll personally be using the word Jewagon daily.


I watched the State years ago, I am a fan of you, Mr. Black. I am, safe to say, a bigger fan of Tucker Max, no offense implied. I'd just like to say not all tucker max fans aren't complete retards, and I for one have found this whole "feud" quite entertaining. The problem with the internet is when you give people anonymity, they feel free to act like complete and utter... douche nozzles... Unfortunately it's usually the idiots who take advantage of the anonymity of the idiot, and act how they'd never have the balls to act like in real life. I think sadly, they're even being inspired by Tucker to be an "asshole" and attempting to emulate him and failing miserably. anyways that's enough ranting. Just wanted to say I've enjoyed this whole feud and look forward to seeing where it ends.


please ignore previous .. spelling errors and words where they shouldn't be.. I'm completely exhausted and just finished bathing my dog after she got sprayed by a skunk for the third time. yeah .. that's my excuse for how stupid i look above..


It's too bad that a few of his fans make the mostly normal bunch of us look so stupid. You know, silent majorities and such.


Yeah, I apologize for the minority of Tucker fans who don't realize what irony is. But hey, we've had a few from your blog comments drop by too, so it's not as if it's one sided there buddy.

That being said, bunch your skirts, put on your determined face and stop being a girl. You started this fight, and now it's gone too deep. You either go on with it or forsake your pride at this stage. Surely some blood and maybe a broken nose is worth the extra sales? Hell, I'd let Tucker freaking king-hit me straight in the jaw if it'd let a few more people give my own writing a chance.


I had never heard of this Tucker character before Michael Ian Black had mentioned him, so I guess who cares who he is, he wrote a book, good for him, what else has he done? Wait, wait, don't answer, nothing, thanks, your welcome, he has done nothing.


And I do believe BlackEmperor just proved my point.

At least, the point about your fanbase, Mike, having its fair share of 'douche nozzles' too.

Rabbit B.

Good PR tactic dude.

How are you going to get out of this though? Saddam's hiding tactics or try to get jacked and roided up like Carrot Top?

If you choose the latter, I first suggest changing the background to this site. No one is going to be scared of someone who looks like the feng shui advice from Martha Stewart.


"After all, I am a basic cable superstar, whereas his most notable onscreen performance to this point has been getting mocked by Opie and Anthony, the video of which I watched on YouTube."

Ouch. Whats up with this video? I can't find anything about it on the Rudius Message boards.


If you fight Tucker Max I'll buy your book out of respect.


These comebacks via indirect communication are getting lame. This fight was cute after a day or so, but you guys are starting to look bad. Its like if celebrity was an orgy, you'd be two guys in the corner jacking off.

Just fucken call the guy up and settle it, I don't even care anymore. You could just tell Tucker you were excited about the success of your book and decided to create a humorous situation out of the book list, sort of like a friendly rivalry or a camaraderie between successful authors. Then Tucker could admit he escalated the thing when he realized he couldn't successfully retaliate with anything funny enough, so decided to counter with macho energy instead - something way easier, something that doesn't require energy or creativity, something that would make his fans proud they spend time thinking about him. Something they could talk to him about that one day when they track him down to drink with him and smell his fingers.


I think it's queer that on his blog he says, "Michael Ian Black is much funnier than me. I would never have a comedy fight with him, he'd stomp me." What is that all about? I say you use the old "school yard psychology" on the boy (or as I call it, Tuckerology). It goes thusly:

"What are you, scaaaared Tucker? Look, I'll even down my fair share of mojitos beforehand to level the playing field. I just want to verbally knock you out is all. I am DEAD SERIOUS. Don't be a pussy. Man up and comedy fight with me!"

And we'd be like, "Please do it do it do it Michael! I would pay to see this on tape! Verbally rape his brain and use his skull as prop comedy!"

What fun.


Hopefully this will blow over with the simple statement of,
"IT WAS A JOKE PEOPLE, JEEZ ALREADY!" and then you can fully enjoy the pleasure of being a newly published author. Hurrah for you!

I think your book is really funny and have bought several extra copies to give to friends.

Even though I initially wasn't thrilled to see you challenge TM to a feud (getting involved with those kinds of people, motherly concern, I can't help myself), each of your posts has been so well written and entertaining, laugh-out-loud funny, that I think you should congratulate yourself on being able to handle this so well throughout.

(Should I tell you that 91X here in San Diego has been using your interview as a plug all day, as in, "So if you missed the big brouhaha this morning between MIB & TM, you missed out huge, tune in tomorrow at 9:15am when we rebroadcast the entire interview, you won't believe your ears!!" - sort of thing.)


First!! In your face Preston! :-)


I loved you on Reaper man. This whole thing has been pretty funny, but anyone who actually thought you two would come to blows is a damned idiot.


Ah yes, a douche nozzle, very amusing. It's really sad that (some of) Tucker's fans are impervious to ironic humor. Oh well, good luck on your book tour Michael, even though you're not stopping by in LA...

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