Announcing the Winner of the First Ever "Transform David Spedaris Into A Supervillain Contest"
It all started when best-selling essayist David Spedaris began an unprovoked literary feud with me. Out of nowhere he completely blind-sided me by taking up not one, but many spots on the best-seller list. Well I don't like being bullied, and I wasn't going to sit back and take it. So I pushed back. I let the world know just what kind of person David Sedaris really is: French-obsessed, diminutive, Michael-Ian-Black-hating. The media lapped it up; here, finally, somebody was challenging the almighty Sedaris. Not since Edward R. Murrow took on Senator Joseph McCarthy has David stood so tall against Goliath. The Goliath of old, however, was simply a giant. Sedaris is something more, something infinitely more sinister. Memoirist, essayist, humorist, commentator: supervillain. But what kind of supervillain? Would it be a voodoo-wielding elf? A saucy sailor? A stinky skunk? Thousands of you entered, millions of you voted, three finalists were named. But only one can be the winner.
David Sedaris, I call you by your true name. You are:
"Frenchy McStink. After being challenged by superstars such as Michael Ian Black, Spedaris transforms into a supervillain. This adorable yet deceiving skunk draws his victims with his nonchalant attitude and basket of well-arranged flowers. He then emits compelling and rather stinky excerpts from his latest collection of essays. After the victims have been sufficiently tamed and entranced by his smelly writings, Frenchy McStink spews out random French words like 'Je déteste l'Amerique.'"
Congratulations, Laura. You, and you alone, have seen Spedaris for who he truly is: a cute but stinky varmint hellbent on world domination by sedating an unsuspecting public through recollections of his childhood. Only when enough Americans have been charmed into complacency will McStink unleash his final plan: total control over the American best-seller lists.
Only by alerting the world to this fiendish plot do we have any hope of stopping him. Only by purchasing my hilarious collection of essays, "My Custom Van (And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face)" do we even have a chance.
Laura, you have won yourself an autographed copy of my book, along with a twelve dollar gift certificate to Bath & Body Works. To collect your prize, please email firstname.lastname@example.org with an address and the inscription of your choice. You are a true patriot.
Happy 4th of July everybody. Today we struck a blow for America.