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June 23, 2008

When Did Drew Barrymore’s Face Get So Big?

There are several upsetting things to mention about Drew Barrymore’s new “Covergirl Lashblast” commercial, but for me the oddest thing is that, apparently, she now has Giant Face. Her face looks absolutely huge, like it was accidentally switched with basketball analyst Bill Walton’s face in some kind of kooky science experiment.

What happened? Is this a condition caused by making out with drummers and Justin Long? Every time the camera comes closer to her than a full-body shot, I find myself thinking, “Somebody please get that girl some ice to decrease the swelling.” But nobody ever does.

Nobody ever does.

Then they give her the unfortunate line, “When it comes to lashes, I say the bigger the better.” Which of course, makes me say to myself, “Like your face.” Which isn’t nice to say, even to myself.

Another upsetting element is the product itself. This is for girls who want the hairiest eyelids in the world. It seems to be some kind of brush that transforms your eyelashes into eyelid moustaches. Is this something girls want for themselves? Because I know that whenever I find myself interested in a woman, it’s almost never because she has extremely hirsute eyelids. On the contrary, generally the more facial hair a woman has, the less interested I am.

The brush itself is also disturbing. At one point, Giant Face Drew says that it “towers over the leading brush.” Then they show the two brushes side-by-side, and by God it really does tower over the rather wimpy looking eyelash brush beside it. In other words, it is to the leading brush what I am to David Spedaris: huge.

In the next shot, she talks about the fact that it has “50% more bristles.” First of all the word “bristles” grosses me out. I always think of walruses, which are cute by themselves but when I transpose the idea of walrus faces onto my own face, I get a little nauseous. Then they do a magnification of the brush and when they get close to it, it looks exactly like a French tickler, which I’m sorry, simply isn’t appropriate.

The theme of this commercial seems to be, as GFD says, “bigger is better.” Bigger eyelashes, bigger face, bigger bristles, bigger annoying. Far be it from me to tell anybody not to do commercials, but Drew Barrymore is enough of a star that when she does do commercials in the future, she should probably ask the cameraman to take off the “Andre the Giant Face camera filter.” We would all be better off. 

For your perusal, here is the commercial:

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"Kooky science experiment"? Lol! That's messed up. I love Drew. She's awesome! I think she looks fantastic in these commercials.

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