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June 23, 2008

When Did Drew Barrymore’s Face Get So Big?

There are several upsetting things to mention about Drew Barrymore’s new “Covergirl Lashblast” commercial, but for me the oddest thing is that, apparently, she now has Giant Face. Her face looks absolutely huge, like it was accidentally switched with basketball analyst Bill Walton’s face in some kind of kooky science experiment.

What happened? Is this a condition caused by making out with drummers and Justin Long? Every time the camera comes closer to her than a full-body shot, I find myself thinking, “Somebody please get that girl some ice to decrease the swelling.” But nobody ever does.

Nobody ever does.

Then they give her the unfortunate line, “When it comes to lashes, I say the bigger the better.” Which of course, makes me say to myself, “Like your face.” Which isn’t nice to say, even to myself.

Another upsetting element is the product itself. This is for girls who want the hairiest eyelids in the world. It seems to be some kind of brush that transforms your eyelashes into eyelid moustaches. Is this something girls want for themselves? Because I know that whenever I find myself interested in a woman, it’s almost never because she has extremely hirsute eyelids. On the contrary, generally the more facial hair a woman has, the less interested I am.

The brush itself is also disturbing. At one point, Giant Face Drew says that it “towers over the leading brush.” Then they show the two brushes side-by-side, and by God it really does tower over the rather wimpy looking eyelash brush beside it. In other words, it is to the leading brush what I am to David Spedaris: huge.

In the next shot, she talks about the fact that it has “50% more bristles.” First of all the word “bristles” grosses me out. I always think of walruses, which are cute by themselves but when I transpose the idea of walrus faces onto my own face, I get a little nauseous. Then they do a magnification of the brush and when they get close to it, it looks exactly like a French tickler, which I’m sorry, simply isn’t appropriate.

The theme of this commercial seems to be, as GFD says, “bigger is better.” Bigger eyelashes, bigger face, bigger bristles, bigger annoying. Far be it from me to tell anybody not to do commercials, but Drew Barrymore is enough of a star that when she does do commercials in the future, she should probably ask the cameraman to take off the “Andre the Giant Face camera filter.” We would all be better off. 

For your perusal, here is the commercial:

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Comments

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Preston

Firsties! I'm the man.

Susanna

Very interesting that her face has gotten bigger and her boobs have gotten smaller. Perhaps a face reduction is in order?

Reen

I am crying! Oh my GOD!

Do you think it's because she's lost a lot of weight and now her tooth pick neck is ill equipped to hold up her moon face/bobble head? Her chin looks even more "Clutch Cargo" like doesn't it? Sheeeeet.

Oh man, thanks for that huge belly laugh.
All night you've made me laugh. I'm really enjoying "I Love The Millenium" - you own that show.

Labia!

Camille

A baby walrus is cute. An adult walrus looks like a creepy old man in a Y steamroom. (so here we go again,is it "walrus'" or "walrus's"???)

I don't understand the spidery look of lots 'o' lashes either.

Grace

She's always had a Bruce Campbell chin and moon cheeks. The camera hits her at such a bizarre angle as to exacerbate her less fortunate features.

I prefer my eyelid staches to resemble the Pringle man's 'stache. Or Captain Hooks'.

Sarah

Drew is sort of a fatty and zooming in to a fatty's face to fill the whole screen only aggravates the situation.

JenN

I love you and I am so glad I found out you have a blog!! Can't wait to read your book.

Severed

I can't stand to look at Drew's chin. I've always hated her chin.

Sean B

Nice

Easy Peasy

This is what happens when you work with 'E.T.' at such a young age.

Ryan

Jesus, you really CAN find anything on YouTube these days.

Me again

Giant moon face or not, she's still prettier and richer than anybody hanging out here.

Jaime

I'm a Drew Fan, but these commercials are making me retch. I don't know what they are doing to my girl Drew, but it ain't cute!

Easy Peasy

"Giant moon face or not, she's still prettier and richer than anybody hanging out here."

Bollocks.

There are more guys hanging out here that would go gay for Michael than there are girls who would go gay for Drew.

Grace

I would wager there are more men AND women hanging out here who would jump MIB's bones than men and women who would jump GFD's bones.

I took a poll and the results are as follows:

Male homo love for MIB: 89%
Female hetero love for MIB: 90%

Male hetero love for GFD: 5%
Female homo love for GFD: 9%

Undecided or have crushes on Showalter instead: 2.3%

the_doze

Kinda reminds me of Eric Stoltz from the Mask.

tony

Can you imagine the baby that Drew and Sly Stalone would have? We''re talking E.T. now.

tony

Can you imagine the baby that Drew and Sly Stalone would have? We''re talking E.T. now.

Laura

Aww, I hate how Internet anonymity encourages people to be so mean ...

I think her face looks bigger because she seems to have on pancake makeup -- there is like no contouring or blush whatsoever.

Plus, my boyfriend said she looked better than usual when he saw that commercial, which makes me wonder ...

As far as the big-lash debate goes, Psychology Today published something on why women wear mascara a few years ago, and they said that black around the eye emphasizes the pupil ... and the pupil gets bigger usually when someone looks at something they desire ... so it's just another way for women to attract men and showing availability. Much like lipstick, but I won't go into the details of that here.

Most women use Maybelline Great Lash mascara because every magazine tells them to, anyway.

Laura

Aww, I hate how Internet anonymity encourages people to be so mean ...

I think her face looks bigger because she seems to have on pancake makeup -- there is like no contouring or blush whatsoever.

Plus, my boyfriend said she looked better than usual when he saw that commercial, which makes me wonder ...

As far as the big-lash debate goes, Psychology Today published something on why women wear mascara a few years ago, and they said that black around the eye emphasizes the pupil ... and the pupil gets bigger usually when someone looks at something they desire ... so it's just another way for women to attract men and showing availability. Much like lipstick, but I won't go into the details of that here.

Most women use Maybelline Great Lash mascara because every magazine tells them to, anyway.

steg luh steg

for the record, this mascara is actually really good. i like having thick hairy eyelids

Twinkie

Awww I love Drew, but I do agree - her face looks abnormally large in this commercial. I think it's due to the bizarre-o camera angle that they insist on filming her from. It's like a megazoom right on the mid-portion of her face. Kinda like those photographs of dogs taken with a fisheye lens - makes everything look out of proportion.

R Hess

Well thank God that I'm not the only person who noticed this. I brought this subject up at a social gathering hoping others would have seen this commercial and we could all share a laugh at Drew's massive dome, but instead I was looked at with quizzical faces that could have just as well been looking at a man who just walked in the room naked with his genitals tucked and taped between his legs.

It was only after typing the phrase "drew barrymore big head" into Google that I stumbled upon this blog. Thank you for being a true champion of the people Michael.

LMFAO

Wow, LOL you're a total hater who rants on random stuff, right? LOLOL.

Todd P. Pennington

Although she has big face, she still rocks, she really has the beauty in her no matter what figure she'd become. I think I saw her look alike on the Coach Diaper Bags commercial. you guys should watch it too.

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