See You Later, Don
Today is my last day in Los Angeles, and while I will certainly miss the filthy air, brush fires, and bumper to bumper traffic, I will miss one thing most of all: Don Cheadle. Like a lot of actors, Don makes his home here in Los Angeles and while we have never met, I have friends who are friends with Don, which is almost like being friends with him myself. Maybe you are thinking, "If you don't know him, why will you miss Don Cheadle so much?" To which I respond: "If you'd seen 'Hotel Rwanda' you would know exactly why." Then I would ask, "Why are you such a racist?" I saw Don Cheadle last night at the poker emporium where I ply my trade. I lost some money last night, and I think Don did too because he was leaving empty-handed, which is to say, he didn't cash out any poker chips. The difference between Don and myself is that, when I lost, I began blubbering at the table. I was crying, rocking back and forth, and letting the snot stream down my nose like a burbling mountain stream. Don, on the other hand, didn't even seem perturbed. Maybe that's because he has a lot of money and so can afford to lose a hundred and forty-six dollars, whereas for me that kind of money represents about a significant portion of my total net worth. But I don't think that was the reason. I think it had something to do with an innate coolness under pressure that separates us. Some kind of mystical Zen-like approach to life that probably explains why he is an international movie star and I am hosting a fake reality show on Comedy Central. No, I don't think it has anything to do with "talent," because on a pound for pound basis I think we can all agree that I am a far better actor than Don Cheadle. For example, when I was doing Sierra Mist commercials, there was one where a hawk landed on Jim Gaffigan's head. Even though I was sitting right next to that hawk, I didn't freak out and start screaming "HAWK! HAWK! HAWK!" Would Don Cheadle have had that kind of self-control? I don't think so. See? Talent only takes you so far. So I'll see you later Don. Good luck with poker and being an Academy Award winning actor. While you're doing all that I'll be at home fighting with my wife. I think I've got the better end of the deal.